Notices by Jorin, Subcontra Sorceress (jorin@soc.punktrash.club)

You’ve heard of serverless cloud architecture :meowtired: :blobcatsleep:

Now, get ready for… 🥁🥁🥁

:blobcheerL: Cloudless server architecture :blobcheerR:

We’re offering features you thought you could only dream of:

• Hardened database security: Databases don’t have to be exposed to the network thanks to the wonders of On-System Databases™ and Unix Sockets™, hardening security tenfold!
• Latency-free database connections: As if that wasn’t good enough, On-System Databases™ allow you to dramatically reduce latency by bypassing the need for pesky network connections!
• On-Demand Web Worker Process Spawning™ using the Common Gateway Interface™
• Bare-Metal Access™ to On-Server Storage™ for unparalleled Read™ and Write™ speeds
• Predictable costs: No more surprise bills. Pay only for what you specify! Our patent-pending Hardware Limitations™ automatically throttles your cloudless server if you reach capacity
• Documentation: tired of trying to navigate through the jungle of outdated and incorrect Azure or AWS documentation? Don’t fret! Operating systems are documented by the most dedicated gangs of nerds you can find on freenode!