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1. Embed this notice
   Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:20:47 JST Paul Cantrell

   We need more Tesla jokes — specifically about how dangerous they are.

   Here’s the thing: all cars can catch fire, and all EV fires are especially hard to put out. But Teslas are •uniquely• dangerous:

   1/

   • Rich Felker and RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈 repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:22:48 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     Tesla cuts corners, and their “cheap luxury” engineering habits extend to safety. Recalls are endemic. Their safety record is…bad. There’s hints that their battery cooling system is sub-par. And it’s nearly impossible to escape a Tesla in an emergency unless (1) you’re in the front seat and (2) you’ve practiced using the emergency latch.

     Poking around at public data, Cybertrucks ••burn people alive•• 57 times more often than normal cars. Not 57 percent. 57 ••times••. That’s…bonkers.

     2/

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:24:38 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     57 times the normal rate. That’s 17x worse than even the Ford Pinto:

     https://fuelarc.com/evs/its-official-the-cybertruck-is-more-explosive-than-the-ford-pinto/

     Now for those of you who know the Ford Pinto, you know that the car become the brunt of jokes. A comedian could always get a laugh based on the universally shared assumption that they’re terrible cars that catch fire.

     That’s a kind of communication that can reach people who aren’t reading nerdy threads on Fedi. So:

     3/

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:25:52 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     Do you want to hear my new recipe for barbecued chicken? It’s super easy!

     1. Get a chicken.
     2. Put it in a Tesla.

     /end

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:28:33 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Large Format Projectionist

     @Benhm3
     Yup, which become inoperable in a serious crash

   • Embed this notice
     Large Format Projectionist (benhm3@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:28:34 JST Large Format Projectionist

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     ....because they have electrically-retracted exterior door handles and interior locks?

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:31:21 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     When jokes like that can get a laugh, Elon Musk is cooked. Like a Tesla driver.

     /end

     Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Poloniousmonk (uair@autistics.life)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:32:03 JST Poloniousmonk

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     Don't forget--they drown you, too.

     https://eu.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2024/03/14/angela-chao-tesla-accident/72969299007/

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:40:01 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Large Format Projectionist

     @Benhm3 “The Pinto thing was a pretty minor increased-risk”

     I don’t think that’s true. It may have been a minor problem, but they did have something like 3x more fire fatalities than the average car. Small problem, but big and distressingly real consequences.

   • Embed this notice
     Large Format Projectionist (benhm3@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:40:02 JST Large Format Projectionist

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     The Pinto thing was a pretty minor increased-risk, since the gas tank placement on rear-wheel drive econo cars of the day was pretty much identical, IIRC the fix was a single shield on a single bolt on the differential. So really, it's an Audi 5000 preview: nearly-non-existent engineering problem went viral.

     Swastikars are different: They're not cheap anything, and the plutes that are trying to virtue-signal with them are pissed because the Nazi came out of the closet too soon

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:54:33 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Minnesota 123456

     @Minnesota411988 5600 percent more.

     same = 1x = 0% more
     1.1x = 10% more
     twice = 2x = 100% more
     etc

   • Embed this notice
     Minnesota 123456 (minnesota411988@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 01:54:34 JST Minnesota 123456

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     57 times equals a mere 5,700 percent, correct? Statistics can be so much fun.

   • Embed this notice
     𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 "not yet begun to fight" (lana@beige.party)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:25:02 JST 𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 "not yet begun to fight"

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     Did you know? If you stacked up all the Teslas at the bottom of the ocean

     Sorry I lost my train of thought. That was the end of the joke.

   • Embed this notice
     𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 "not yet begun to fight" (lana@beige.party)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:25:03 JST 𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 "not yet begun to fight"

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     What do you call 10,000 Cybertruck owners barbecued inside their own vehicle?

     A good start

     Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Carsten Franke (carstenfranke@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:26:06 JST Carsten Franke

     in reply to

     @inthehands we should re-brand these as Tesla-Essentials. "Have you bought your emergency hammer? so you don't burn alive in your Tesla"

     Paul Cantrell repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Rich Felker (dalias@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:26:06 JST Rich Felker

     in reply to

     • Carsten Franke

     @carstenfranke @inthehands Hopefully the "bulletproof glass" performs as poorly IRL as during the demo event.

     Also FWIW: I don't think these hammers work without water pressure on the glass.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:55:26 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     What’s the difference between Alcatraz and a crashed Tesla?
     People have escaped from Alcatraz.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:56:11 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     How do you start a campfire with wet wood?
     Put a Tesla under it.

     silverwizard, Blaise Pabón - controlpl4n3 and Aral Balkan repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:56:34 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     What's the difference between a burning Tesla and an apartment lease?
     You can get out of a lease.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:57:08 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Minnesota 123456

     @Minnesota411988
     The “percent more” idiom is a really confusing one!

   • Embed this notice
     Minnesota 123456 (minnesota411988@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:57:09 JST Minnesota 123456

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     Thank you. I should have written 5,700 percent "of"; I agree with 5,600 percent "more." The risk of vague expression.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:58:27 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • 𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 "not yet begun to fight"

     @Lana
     Ouch!!

   • Embed this notice
     L'égrégore André ꕭꕬ (mabande@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 02:58:58 JST L'égrégore André ꕭꕬ

     in reply to

     @inthehands "No, they weren't 'drinking and driving' in that cybertruck. They were having a Molotov cocktail party."

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 03:04:16 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     Save on home heating costs!
     1. Buy a used Tesla.
     2. Put it in your attached garage.
     3. Wait.

   • Embed this notice
     Alexandre Oliva (lxo@snac.lx.oliva.nom.br)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 04:02:39 JST Alexandre Oliva

     in reply to
     Friends' Phoebe Buffay's half-brother Frank, Jr loves to watch things burn and melt
     
     no doubt his favorite car brand is Tesla
     
   • Embed this notice
     Darrin West (obviousdwest@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 04:30:23 JST Darrin West

     in reply to

     @inthehands What’s the difference between a dumpster fire and Cybertruck? They both look the same, but dumpsters don’t catch on fire as often.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 06:01:09 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Eleanor Rees

     Re this from @eleanorrees, how about:

     Your mom’s so bad at cooking she can’t even get a Tesla to catch fire!

     https://mas.to/@eleanorrees/114269766184650275

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 07:19:51 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Mike McCaffrey

     @mikemccaffrey
     Yes, exactly! Tesla needs to end up being the butt of these kinds of jokes.

   • Embed this notice
     Mike McCaffrey (mikemccaffrey@drupal.community)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 07:19:53 JST Mike McCaffrey

     in reply to

     @inthehands Apropos of Val Kilmer...

     https://youtu.be/4-Qj58o87sY?feature=shared

   • Embed this notice
     Mike McCaffrey (mikemccaffrey@drupal.community)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 08:09:36 JST Mike McCaffrey

     in reply to

     @inthehands What is the difference between Elon Musk and the Nazis? The Nazis were good at building cars.

   • Embed this notice
     Jonathan T (jonnyt@mastodon.me.uk)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 08:10:16 JST Jonathan T

     in reply to

     @inthehands What do you call an electric fire? A Tesla.
     How does a Tesla owner get out of their car? As a piece of charcoal.
     What do you call the steering wheel in a Tesla? Detached.
     Tesla have featured more deaths than Total Recall. Which is what happens on a monthly basis when you buy one.
     What do you call full self drive in a Tesla? A lie.
     Why buy a coffin when you can buy a Tesla instead.
     Why aren't Cybertrucks sold in Europe? Because they're shit.

   • Embed this notice
     BenAveling (benaveling@mastodon.world)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:01:39 JST BenAveling

     in reply to

     @inthehands q. What do you need to have to own a Tesla?
     A. A burning desire.

   • Embed this notice
     Nazo (nazokiyoubinbou@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:18:41 JST Nazo

     in reply to

     @inthehands Won't it get overcooked that way though?

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:18:41 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Nazo

     @nazokiyoubinbou
     Call it blackened chicken

   • Embed this notice
     Nazo (nazokiyoubinbou@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:18:58 JST Nazo

     in reply to

     • Carsten Franke

     @carstenfranke @inthehands I'm given to understand that emergency personnel actually had trouble breaking through the glass on at least one occasion. So even this may not be good enough. They don't really design them to meet safety standards, just to satisfy Musk's desperate need to be a cyberpunk villain, so they kind of skipped over a lot of stuff like finding the right balance on parts like the glass.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:36:51 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Mike J👹🐀 🤘🏻

     @mikej
     Somebody really needs to substitute a Cybertruck into this clip.

   • Embed this notice
     Mike J👹🐀 🤘🏻 (mikej@mastodon.online)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 09:36:52 JST Mike J👹🐀 🤘🏻

     in reply to

     @inthehands We need to repurpose Pinto jokes. In honor of Val Kilmer:

     https://youtu.be/4-Qj58o87sY

   • Embed this notice
     GhostOnTheHalfShell (ghostonthehalfshell@masto.ai)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 12:05:09 JST GhostOnTheHalfShell

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     No, I was gonna tell you how I actually start fires with wet wood, I’ll let your answer slide. 🤪

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 12:05:09 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • GhostOnTheHalfShell

     @GhostOnTheHalfShell
     One of my proudest college moments was on a spur-of-the-moment spring break camping trip with basically no proper supplies, starting a fire with wet wood in the dark. We made Spaghetti-Os we got at a gas station on the way.

   • Embed this notice
     Brian Baresch (editer@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 16:11:45 JST Brian Baresch

     in reply to

     • Mike McCaffrey

     @inthehands @mikemccaffrey

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 03-Apr-2025 16:12:12 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Mike McCaffrey
     • Brian Baresch

     @editer @mikemccaffrey
     This is amazing.

   • Embed this notice
     Chris Wenham (wenhamtoo@mstdn.social)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 01:33:39 JST Chris Wenham

     in reply to

     @inthehands New features available on upcoming Tesla models for 2025:

     Deathtrap Door Handles
     Adaptive Crash Control
     Dual Incineration Zone HVAC
     Heated Seat Cushions (up to 1783° Kelvin)
     Autoperil™
     Full Self Disposing
     Auto-Dispersed Stainless Steel Load Shedding
     First-Responder Lockout
     Kessler Plus™ Satellite Debris Global Navigation
     Fold-down Rear Passengers
     Rotisserie

     Paul Cantrell repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     John W. O'Brien (neirbowj@mastodon.online)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 01:33:43 JST John W. O'Brien

     in reply to

     @inthehands Knock knock.
     Who's there?
     Tesla.
     Tesla who?
     🔥🔥🔥🔥

   • Embed this notice
     Oggie (oggie@woof.group)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 01:43:24 JST Oggie

     in reply to

     • Chris Wenham

     @WenhamToo @inthehands
     Okay, but what -new- features? These just seem like rebrands, companies thinking they can implement old stuff and call it new ...

   • Embed this notice
     Otter-Matic (ottermatic@woof.group)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 04:28:12 JST Otter-Matic

     in reply to

     • Chris Wenham

     @WenhamToo @inthehands think of the savings my family won’t have to pay for a costly cremation

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 04:40:04 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     Did you hear about Elon Musk‘s latest new car model? It’s called the “Tesla Rotisserie”

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 04:47:57 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     [gentle but serious voice over]
     You want the best for your family. You want to make sure they’re taken care of — no matter what. And you’d do _anything_ to make sure of that. But if something happened to you, what would happen to your loved ones? Don’t saddle them with the financial stress of a costly cremation. Buy a Tesla.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 04:48:20 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Otter-Matic
     • Chris Wenham

     @OtterMatic @WenhamToo
     Imagined it as a TV spot: https://hachyderm.io/@inthehands/114275757338095344

   • Embed this notice
     Mike J👹🐀 🤘🏻 (mikej@mastodon.online)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 08:02:04 JST Mike J👹🐀 🤘🏻

     in reply to

     @inthehands Just stole this one:

   • Embed this notice
     chocobo13ζ (chocobo13@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 09:37:07 JST chocobo13ζ

     in reply to

     @inthehands
     How many people can fit in a Cybertruck?

     It depends on the size of the ash tray

   • Embed this notice
     Azuaron (azuaron@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Apr-2025 11:12:52 JST Azuaron

     in reply to

     @inthehands Look, I'm not saying I want to commit insurance fraud. I'm just saying that the insurance policy on my house is worth more than the house, and I bought a Tesla and put it in the attached garage.