Lack of awareness being the nothingness, as in we sometimes don't remember our dreams, or (recently went under for a surgery, out for an hour or so)... Where was "I"...?
1st case, I would probably carry on... Knowledge for knowledge's sake, or a peripheral awareness (or delusion?) of being something more than being just often annoyed meat... 2nd case, I would carry on and go wherever my capacities/interests carried me, based on just whatever tattered remnants of The Faustian Spirit might impel me to keep going... BTW, I am sorry to hear that your life is closer to the latter... I would still just flip off the world and make my own world in such case...
I've thought of going full hermit before, but you have provided very good examples of why that might not be viable... People usually need good infrastructure and other people in order to not turn into blithering savages (no guarantees, but the odds are much better). I guess for me, what tends to make things work pretty well much of the time is accepting that most of what has been unfortunate for me as an adult has been the result of my bad choices/ignorance... Nodding off in the school of hard knocks... That and having never really figured out what I want... Or if I even want anything...
As the offspring of people who had no business having children, hoo-boy, I didn't know it, but I was "doomed" to have to enter adulthood dropped into the modern world wilderness with no map or compass... Most of what I have gathered has been trial and error, without a hint of guidance from about the age of eight or so... Life seems to be never-ending education and personal evolution with only subjective goals and horizons...
Damn, that's all around pretty horrible... My situation was with six siblings though... Oldest escaped to grandparent's place around that same age. Things started out OK, but deteriorated from about the age of six or so... Family disintegration, poverty, Lord of the Flies sibling interactions, raised ourselves, etc... First drunk time at aunt's wedding, aged eight... Not a habitué, but would indulge when available... More into nicotine... Deer in the headlights about mortality since about the age of thirteen...
Whatever the case, I have probably experienced fare more joy and contentment than I could have imagined possible when I was a lot younger... I think that if you can't see your purpose, you have to use your intellect to invent one, no matter how how weird it might be... This is a test... Go through the maze and find the rewardless reward... (the journey was/is the destination all along). Find your tribe... It's out there...
Me when trying to get the final sound...: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: :AAAAAA_glitch: