Notices by deeper waters (syrenka@nicecrew.digital)

he's a good el-phant ❤️ and totally agree, that's why i was so upset in the first place... him behaviour forced people into that dynamic. his aggression garnered that much attention from the people around me that i couldn't help but explain what the fuck was going on. i didn't want them calling the cops. at the same time, i can't deal with physical confrontation over his lack of awareness of how much of supply he smoked either. it was savage. the amount of people that got brought in and then trying to diffuse things after. not to mention some friends that were just, perhaps, a little overbearing, but things got crazy heated.

and even this... this here now... like... part of me thinks this is an okay space to process stuff 'cause it's almost like a diary that only people who don't know you read... and then on the other hand i'm like... man, if things work out past this point... i might have to scrap everything just to start anew with him in ever possible way....

and then that gets me thinking... am i totally nuts for even thinking something so volatile could ever work? can the love and loyalty i have for him be enough for him to want to heal the parts of him that are broken?

are we enough or will drugs always be the preferred high?

no, i know humps... i feel like pursuing it is against my better judgement and i don't want to fall into a trap. i've just been so gaslit i feel like i can't even tell fact from fiction anymore.

loyalty is pretty simple to me too, but he had his insecurities and when things got a little out of control, people stepped into intervene and make sure i was okay. he still feels like this was betrayal. i won't bother with specs, but it was stupid.

he got over things and realized his own behaviour ended up being the thing that brought others into our shit (when he couldn't handle himself/lacked self-control/got violent/etc). it wasn't me being unfaithful to him, it was be honouring my own safety. i didn't have to go through what he was putting me through alone. i didn't want to walk away/give up, but i had the right to speak to people about my safety, especially when they couldn't turn a blind eye any longer...

i'm not tupac, i'm not staring at the world through my rearview - i just don't want to give up on a complicated person, but i can't fight for us if he won't fight for him, you know what i mean? things got physical and scary and it's not the real him, it's his demons (his addiction). complicating factors with him serving time is just... icing, i guess. i can't focus on all of it 'cause there's a shit tonne, but that's the gist and ultimately the here/now...

some of the earlier stuff (the eyeball pinching memes pertaining to loyalty) those fucking sting like hell because of guilt that i feel for how his little mind spins things and spins out. you can be loyal a.f. and it still doesn't matter if they're so broken they see fog no matter how new their shades (sigh)

that's why it breaks me reading it. i've always been faithful (i'm wired that way) but when someone else spins out or gaslights or there's risk to safety, you start reaching out. doesn't matter that you have no no intention of crossing lines (and don't), their perception will always be skewed because of how things look when you reach out for help or others involve themselves wondering if you're okay and step in to protect

and he's a wise elphant (i know) i've actually thought of reaching out to him about recent stuff. i've exhausted myself with thinking in circles and i just want a fresh take.

either i'm craving same-mind confirmation or really needing to hear it from enough people that i find whatever the heck is missing within me to step away

i'm trying to think about it like grief - who cares about the feelings, at some point, you can toy with denial and anger and bargain all you want, but you have to reach a point of acceptance eventually

we don't always get closure, but to walk away from the possibility of it is grueling. time invested isn't wasted, but unless there is commitment, it is arguably a waste of time...

who doesn't? :blobheartcat:

i too - with your artistic talent :animu_laugh:

i never meant anything in offense, but still 🫒 keep it ladylike despite the desperate need of comedic relief

i'll table my humour in spirit of today's daily bible verse thing (3 John 1:11)

don't want no short trunk man

welcome to an adult conversation, humps... not an "adult" conversation 😮💨 honestly :kek_eyeroll: lolz

loving an addict is one of the deepest heartaches 💔 i'm soooo incredibly sorry and can relate :hk_cry:

on the flip side:

recently read a woman's story about her hubby getting himself into some trouble a month into their marriage - "a whole new meaning i didn't consider with 'for better or for worse'"

ooh, humps... i had one for you i was gonna share earlier https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZQ54i4jaWg

didn't mean to abandon ship here, gnarley - trump's right, albeit the analogy used is a gross oversimplification, but then again, what isn't? the eyeball pincher is, too... people age like wine: complex flavour...

now i understand

aww, is it your 36th birthday, humps? 💗 😘

@SuperSnekFriend i found your future wifey! :hearts_flying_pink3:

nerds and spergs....so much love and yet, such a tough crowd....