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   Human Ghostwriter (hg@beige.party)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Mar-2025 02:50:39 JST Human Ghostwriter

   Good grief, I am having a night. I have been beating myself up all weekend for not being good enough and feeling like everyone I know is mad at me. I am mercilessly kicking my own ass over everything. I did a bad job washing some dishes, and now I don't think my wife can trust me anymore. I fucked up my family's entire weekend by going to a guy's night. I feel sick to my stomach. My mom is coming to visit in two months and I feel like vomiting because I know it is going to be a nightmare. I feel like a bad worker, a bad partner, a bad parent, a bad son, a bad citizen, a bad person. Critically and fundamentally flawed.

   • Embed this notice
     RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈 (ramencatholic@mindly.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Mar-2025 02:50:37 JST RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈

     in reply to

     @HG *hugs from Minnesota, if you consent ofc*

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     RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈 (ramencatholic@mindly.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Mar-2025 12:55:07 JST RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈

     in reply to

     @HG 🫂

   • Embed this notice
     Human Ghostwriter (hg@beige.party)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Mar-2025 12:55:08 JST Human Ghostwriter

     in reply to

     • RamenCatholic 🐢 🌈

     @RamenCatholic consent freely granted! 🫂

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:39 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • glasspshr
     • Farah :gaysparkles:
     • paul

     @glasspusher @amiserabilist @farah that’s in Singapore (in a neighborhood I know!) but yes, nothing like satay in those places. All the satay I’ve had in restaurants here (except Borneo eatery in Alhambra, CA) have been abominations of poorly seasoned sticks

   • Embed this notice
     glasspshr (glasspusher@beige.party)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:41 JST glasspshr

     in reply to

     • Adrianna Tan
     • Farah :gaysparkles:
     • paul

     @amiserabilist @farah attn: @skinnylatte

   • Embed this notice
     paul (amiserabilist@beige.party)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:43 JST paul

     in reply to

     • Farah :gaysparkles:

     @farah

     my friend spent time in Indonesia or Malaysia as a child and says his fondest memories were of chicken satay sold by men on bicycles.

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     Farah :gaysparkles: (farah@beige.party)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:44 JST Farah :gaysparkles:

     in reply to

     • LRRR :bc:

     @LRRRonEarth @HG Not now LRRR! And get your own peanut butter, better, go make it!

   • Embed this notice
     LRRR :bc: (lrrronearth@beige.party)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:46 JST LRRR :bc:

     in reply to

     @HG

     ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU READ BOTH THE CRUDELY SCRAWLED NOTE THAT SAYS "CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER," AND THEN READ THE CORRESPONDING LABELS AT THE GROCERY STORE THAT ALSO SAY "CHUNKY PEANUT BUTTER." IT CANNOT BE HARD.

   • Embed this notice
     Human Ghostwriter (hg@beige.party)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Mar-2025 05:05:48 JST Human Ghostwriter

     in reply to

     OK, I have gotten some sleep and tried to corral my demons back into their pen.

     Problematic ideas circulating in my head:
     1. Life is supposed to feel good and it doesn't.
     2. Creating time or space for myself is selfish.
     3. People are mad at me whether they admit it or not.
     4. I am not perfect and the absence of perfection is the presence of badness.
     5. If I am not being productive, I am going to get in trouble somehow.
     6. Maintaining friendships hurts my family.
     7. I am unreliable.
     8. I am going to pass all this bad stuff on to my kids.
     9. I am not good enough to be here.
     10. I will never be good enough to be here.

     I know better, but I can't escape them all all the time. I understand that these are hallmarks of the children of emotionally immature parents, and I suspect that this is a lot of what is going on. I am terrified that I might have inherited some BPD traits from my mom and am really scared that this means I am irredeemable (although I guess the new research is a lot less fatalistic). Hopefully, I'm just depressed.

     Sorry for airing this all out. I hope it's helpful. I want community when this happens, and I don't think I can take it to my meatspace people. And I like creating a real-time record so that I can't feel great when therapy is happening and try to forget that the bad times ever occurred.