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Joscelyn Transpiring (joscelyntransient@chaosfem.tw)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:47 JST Joscelyn Transpiring
@emmalilian @faithisleaping @NicolaElle @rooster This was definitely where I was, @siege - I knew I needed to get out of the house that was already almost burnt down before I went with it. And while I only identified as non-binary and genderfluid early on, I knew where my euphoria pointed, I just didn't really feel like I *was* a woman yet until I started living as one. Once I had been transitioning openly in my life, I finally found that sense of ownership in being a woman and felt myself as *being* a woman every day.
I also wonder, given what you mentioned about HRT, how much of it is still wrapped around our internalized belief that gender is this naturalized thing in the body? The idea that if we just change the biology we can transition, when transitioning is actually a day-to-day labor of growth and living in the world.

In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:47 JST from chaosfem.tw permalink
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  Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:38 JST Kit Rhett Aultman
  in reply to
  @Impossible_PhD @Dani @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege
  You just reminded me of one of my favorite movie lines ever, one that I tell the roller derby skaters I train--
  "The way this works is-- you do the thing you're scared shitless of and you get the courage to do it *after* you do it, not before you do it." --"Three Kings"
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:38 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:39 JST Doc Impossible
  in reply to
  @Dani @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege I know I'm a broken record on it, but...
  It's a leap of faith. Doing the thing is the one and only thing that makes you ready for it.
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:39 JST permalink
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  Dani Tseng (dani@mastodon.sandwich.net)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:40 JST Dani Tseng
  in reply to
  @Impossible_PhD
  This is a lot of... me muttering expletives in my head, at 15 months into hrt and telling nobody I hadn't at 3 months... argh.
  Im tired of hating myself but I'm practiced at it.
  @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:40 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:41 JST Doc Impossible
  in reply to
  @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege As a postscript, I think that the reason that urge (and the plans connected to it) often falls apart is because transition is an act of profound self-love. If, as psychology argues, we generally become who we pretend to be, by enacting self-love on ourselves for long enough we come to love ourselves whether we believe that love to be worthy or not.
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:41 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:42 JST Doc Impossible
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  @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege ...and we believe that our transitions will only be seen by others (whose opinions we believe to be more important than our right to exist) as legitimate if we manage to be cis-passing, invisible.
  Invisible.
  The urge to pass is the urge to remain invisible, to continue to act out that exact same trauma instinct that kept us closeted before. It's an urge to dart from one closet to another.
  (3/3)
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:42 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:43 JST Doc Impossible
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  @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege And to enforce that belief on ourselves, we had to place others' acceptance and approval far, far over our own well-being. We had to minimize ourselves and our needs, until the "me" part of it disappeared, or near enough as the difference doesn't matter.
  That instinct built an intense trauma reflex in us. And, as a result, we see that the only "acceptable" trans person is one who isn't visibly trans...
  (2/3)
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:43 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:44 JST Doc Impossible
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  @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege I'd like to offer an alternate thought, informed very much by CJ's take on dysphoria being, ultimately, a specific type of CPTSD:
  In order to not come out to ourselves before, or to keep ourselves from transitioning, we had to inflict upon ourselves (aided and abetted by cissexist, transphobic society) a daily, minute-by-minute trauma that boils down to one thing:
  "The real me doesn't deserve to exist."
  (1/3)
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:44 JST permalink
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  Nicola Helle 😈🏳️‍⚧️😈 (nicolaelle@chaosfem.tw)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:45 JST Nicola Helle 😈🏳️‍⚧️😈
  in reply to
  @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege Mine was like having faulty wiring for the house, knowing the wiring’s bad, but not being able to fix it. Then the house catches fire, and trying to make sure everyone else is out of the house, having the initial exit path blocked, then nearly collapsing, and needing help to stagger out of the building.
  And finding places to be me, to be comfortable are absolutely critical.
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 05:55:45 JST permalink
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  Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 06:15:44 JST Kit Rhett Aultman
  in reply to
  @Impossible_PhD @Dani @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege Of course, there is the wisdom side of this. One of the best things I ever taught myself was the ability to discern "the good kind of scary" from "the bad kind of scary". Because they are different, and moving towards "the good kind of scary" has had a great track record of bringing good things to my life.
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 06:15:44 JST permalink
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  Doc Impossible (impossible_phd@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 04-Aug-2023 06:15:45 JST Doc Impossible
  in reply to
  @roadriverrail @Dani @NicolaElle @JoscelynTransient @emmalilian @faithisleaping @rooster @siege YES!!
  Run towards the thing that scares you. It's just as fadt, smart, and determined as you are. If you flee, all that'll happen is it catches up to you when you're exhausted.
  
  In conversation Friday, 04-Aug-2023 06:15:45 JST permalink

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