Notices by Emma (emmalilian@eldritch.cafe)

Two years ago this week, I sent out my all-hands email to all 90 of my employees coming out.

It was a culmination of a four month communication plan into coming out. In February I told my closest coworker and friend before I even started my name change. In March I told another close coworker and one of subordinate supervisors (who was one of my biggest supporters before he tragically passed away in a car accident later that year).

In late March I submitted my name change and in April I told my supervisor, who was incredibly supportive. I also told our command chief of staff, who invited me to breakfast one day and expressed his admiration for me.

During this timeframe I started writing some LinkedIn articles to my peers discussing tips and tricks for disseminating significant personal events to the workplace and what my ideal methodology would be (all hypothetically, of course).

Once I got my court order back in May, I sent out a group email to all my subordinate supervisors letting them know it was a “thing” and that I would eventually be notifying everyone. At the same time I submitted my personnel name change request to HR.

While I waited for that to process, I scheduled meetings with my commanding officer and senior civilian and had separate one-on-ones with them. Both were supportive.

As soon as I finished the last senior meeting, I sent out my coming out email to my entire department, which was then forwarded to the other senior leaders in our 3000+ person command. I also published one last article on LinkedIn tying all my previous ones together and coming out online professionally. I didn’t mean for this to happen during Pride Month, but it happened all the same.

The email itself was heartfelt but succinct. At this point it was the third or fourth version of this email I’d sent and it morphed over time as almost an apologetic message to one that was more matter of fact but still offering to engage in a learning experience for any that wanted to.

Two years later I still can’t believe I bared my soul in that way. That I just… basically transformed in public. I still remember the large number of supportive emails (and the one negative, but I digress).

The next day my business wardrobe changed from the loose crew neck swestshirts and androgynous slacks to a blouse and skirt complete with more visible makeup. For the first time, I felt free and me at work.

Two years later… and I’m just me. I’m a better employee, a better manager, and an all around better person. Every day I feel more comfortable with myself… to the point where I’m proud of what I accomplish.

I wish the situation at work was better. I wish I didn’t have to effectively hide who I am now, and I hate how my trans existence is taboo. But, notwithstanding that, I’m still supported, I’m still desired, and I still have a job to do. And at the end of the day, I’m treated like the woman I know I am.

Crazy how all this happened in just two years.

(FYI if anyone finds themselves in a similar situation, I have no problem sharing my email if you DM me)

Had an amazing night at the tiki bar. Why does every guy that talks to me want to hug me or touch my back when they leave?

Had my first facial today, which was an hour and 45 minutes of magic. I guess my skin and face look great now too according to others, but I was happy enough for the experience (which was the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had).

I’m way too addicted to gel manicures now. Figured since I’m off this week I can have a fun color and dab in some nail art.

New nails with gel polish! Really enjoying actually getting self-care at nail salons.

All things considered, my pipeline for going from men’s tennis shoes to women’s tennis shoes, to wearing nearly exclusively flats and points was incredibly short.

Guess it’s amazing how good quality shoes can easily change your opinion on things.

I know I tend to to complain about dysphoria and imposter syndrome and other things here on occasion. But dammit, I truly love who I am now, where I’ve gone and where I’m going.

Overused, but it’s so damn magical. Seeing glimpses of myself more and more. Looking at my (incredibly imperfect) body and seeing things I like where before there was nothing. The intense and amazing feelings that can be illicited from it. Unbelievable.

During the weekends, I like to just spend time in bed with wifey. Yeah.. sure sometimes we fool around, but a lot of times we just lay next to each other, stare, hold hands… just enjoy life. And I never did that before. And I realize because I have peace with myself. I am truly becoming who I always was meant to be, and that means I can focus less on coping, and more on loving and living.

It’s so crazy to live each day and just… enjoy it. I wasted so much of my life just… figuring out ways to kill time to the next milestone where I prayed I would achieve some happiness. I lost so much time. But no more. Every day is special because it’s worth being in the moment.

I hope we can all get to this point somehow. And if there’s something I can do to help, I will do what I can. 💙

@roadriverrail @aprilkirby No I completely agree. Which is kinda way I could never get through the later seasons.z

@roadriverrail @aprilkirby 😳 Get out of my journal.

@roadriverrail Well-intentioned condescension is an interesting one. Not sure if I thought if that but makes a lot of sense to me. I might attribute that to some interactions.

Lately it feels like almost all of them are different, and that can’t be due to something like that. And honestly I love it. It’s all I ever wanted.

Something I was thinking back on from yesterday which I’m now realizing has been a thing is the fact that when I’m out in public, other women mostly seem to be far more vocal and friendly with me.

Example - yesterday when I was getting my badge the woman helping me struck up a conversation about random stuff with me as we waited for the badge to print. She also offered me a mirror and let me look at the photo after she took it. We started talking about affirmations and then her coworker in the next cubicle over randomly started asking me about them too…

Another example - wifey and I were out drinking a few weeks ago and she left to get food. When I was by myself the bartender came by to get empty glasses and she randomly started talking to me about her daughter and how much she loved the flavor I was drinking.

Even though I know I’ve always been perceived as a non threatening male pre transition, I was never treated with such friendliness.

Is this like a thing? I mean, maybe I passed at the bar but the badge lady saw my deadname… maybe I looked passing and that was enough for her to be friendly?

I know the female friends I had pre-coming out have become far more closer and friendlier with me post-transition, but it’s the interaction with strangers that I’m focusing on. Or maybe I just need to go back to sleep.