Conversation

Notices

1. Embed this notice
   Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan: (zo@eldritch.cafe)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:21 JST Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan:

   I watched a video earlier this week from a detransitioner and it's been messing with my head.

   I think I want to be a girl. I think I want to wear feminine clothes. I think I want to be perceived as female.

   I know I like to be called Zoey, to be called she, to be called aunt. I find the idea of feminine clothes appealing, and I like the way they feel. But when I see myself wearing them, it looks wrong. Maybe it's because with everything I've tried, I can't see myself as anything but a man wearing women's clothing. And I know I don't want that.

   I want to be trans.

   I've held onto that thought, for months. That's got to mean something right? A cis person wouldn't want so hard to be trans. Wouldn't spend months scouring their personal history and feelings for signs.

   But I did. And I found nothing. Or rather almost nothing. A few comments over the years. Some fear about increased body hair as I age. Fond memories of wearing my girlfriend's shorts, or my sister's clothes once or twice.

   And then I look for euphoria, and it feels like there's very little there as well. I smile every time someone calls me 'she'. I like the way it feels to be tucked, and I've been wearing a bra every day for six months. I get excited when I buy and try on clothes. But it feels so mild. Transient.

   I've been on HRT for two months, and I've been happy for or ambivalent to all of the changes. I'm loving the softer skin, less BO, and less greasy hair. All of the potential changes still sound really appealing, which they wouldn't to a cis person, right?

   I wish all of this didn't feel so dangerous. I wish I could feel more certain. I wish society didn't care about gender. I wish I didn't care about gender.

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:15 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     • Evie (SleepyCatten)

     @zo @SleepyCatten unfortunately, a current byproduct of trans discourse is the focus on dysphoria and discomfort. This was something that added years of delay to my transition. "I can't be trans; my dysphoria isn't that impactful." I still sometimes wrestle with feeling like a faker because I don't think HRT is right for me. It's not unlike the struggle I feel about being bi/pan but not "having enough proof"

   • Embed this notice
     Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan: (zo@eldritch.cafe)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:16 JST Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan:

     in reply to

     • Evie (SleepyCatten)

     @SleepyCatten The bible was one of the things that first convinced me I might be trans (specifically reading the HRT effects, and realizing that they all sound really appealing). I think part of my problem is also comparing myself to people with stronger dysphoria than mine. It makes sense that mild dysphoria would equate to more mild euphoria.

     But, yes, I do think this is something I want. And if I make it a few years down the line and change my mind, I don't think I'd begrudge myself for exploring. Even if there are permanent changes to live with.

     Thank you for your perspective :heart_transgender:

   • Embed this notice
     Evie (SleepyCatten) (sleepycatten@cultofshiv.wtf)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:18 JST Evie (SleepyCatten)

     in reply to

     @zo A cis person would not be happy with the changes you're experiencing.

     But let's pause for a moment & stop worrying about the trans label.

     The key thing to ask yourself is: "Do I want to be a girl?"

     If you do & it brings you more joy to be Zoey than it did to be your pre-transition self, that's all there is to it.

     In all likelihood, there's no afterlife: this is the one life you get.

     It's your life & your body.

     Do what brings you joy :TransFemHeart:

     3/3

   • Embed this notice
     Evie (SleepyCatten) (sleepycatten@cultofshiv.wtf)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:19 JST Evie (SleepyCatten)

     in reply to

     @zo One of the most trans things you can do is doubt that you're trans.

     It's so common that it's a trope in memes to say:

     "Still cis tho."
     "But what if I'm just faking it?"

     If you think that you might be faking it, it's a really good sign that you're not.

     Trans folks are just people who want their gender to be different to the one they were assigned at birth.

     That feeling of gender incongruence is what we mean by gender dysphoria.

     2/

   • Embed this notice
     Evie (SleepyCatten) (sleepycatten@cultofshiv.wtf)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:12:20 JST Evie (SleepyCatten)

     in reply to

     @zo *offers so many hugs*

     Have you ever read The Gender Dysphoria Bible?

     https://genderdysphoria.fyi/

     It makes it very clear that it's possible to be trans without clear signs of what doctors would describe as dysphoria.

     Euphoria can come in all forms. It doesn't all need to be more than a smile & a mild warm feeling of something feeling right.

     I can't tell you from experience what a cis person thinks. However, from what they all tell me, they wouldn't want to be trans.

     1/

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:18:04 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     @zo The first year or more of my transition was full of doubt and also a lot of defensiveness and needing to "prove it". I was afraid I'd give it up and look foolish and it'd be chalked up as one of my many short-term obsessions. This despite the fact that I had 20 years of deep frustration from faking being a man. Depending on where you're at in being in touch with your feelings, you may not even be in a place to name euphoria and dysphoria yet. 1/?

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:24:30 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     @zo My first attempts with femme clothing were real disasters. But learning what your look is is a process, and even disappointment points toward desire. And there were in-between looks that I now think of as my "tomboy" wardrobe. Some of this is emotional; some is learning new skills. Honestly, it's been almost 4 years since I came out to myself and it's only in the last few months that I feel like I've started to see the road ahead clearly. 2/?

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 04:29:22 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     @zo There's also the real possibility you're still kinda working on your sense of self. I waited so long it felt likey "inner femme" would scream at me. Having that meant having a compass. This might even be a time to just focus on what personal joy feels like in general without the complexities of gender and trans identity on top of it. You did a lot of work to get on HRT; something drove you on. How does that something come to you? 3/3

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 11:39:51 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     @zo Of course, I chose a different direction with respect to HRT (but who knows how life will unfold later), so I'll be the first to tell you deciding to go with it doesn't say something about "how trans" someone is. I just have to meet my needs another way and it seems I can. HRT is a tool rather than an identity. If you have felt better on it, that is enough. At the end of the day, it's enough to just feel more whole and more capable of joy.

   • Embed this notice
     Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan: (zo@eldritch.cafe)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 11:39:53 JST Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan:

     in reply to

     • Kit Rhett Aultman

     @roadriverrail These are all really good points. I've definitely had the feeling of needing to "prove it" if not to others then myself.

     One of the reasons I wanted to start HRT (in addition to feeling like all the effects were very appealing) was to collect data. If I tried it and I hated it, then I'm probably cis (or maybe just not as trans as I thought 🤷♀️). But if I tried it and I loved it, that would also be useful data. But then it's just... Nice? Pleasant? Not horrible, not amazing.

     At the end of the day, I'm still glad I'm trying it, but your note about focusing on personal joy regardless of gender is definitely an avenue to explore.

     I'm starting to think my therapist's vacation is affecting me more than I expected.

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 13:36:25 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     @zo I promise you I didn't take you the wrong way. Just pointing out there are many journeys in here, all of them equally trans. You'll find yours, and it'll be marvelous.

   • Embed this notice
     Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan: (zo@eldritch.cafe)'s status on Tuesday, 30-May-2023 13:36:26 JST Zoey🏳️‍⚧️:heart_eyes_cat_pan:

     in reply to

     • Kit Rhett Aultman

     @roadriverrail Of course, I didn't intend to imply that HRT was in any way necessary to define transness. I'm very sorry if it came across that way.

     I was more trying to express that for me it felt like an important signal/data point (a tool in some sense). In many ways, for me, it feels necessary if I ever want to be perceived as in any way female, but that is obviously not the case for everyone.

     At any rate, I really appreciate your input, and it's given me a lot to think about. 💜