Notices by Alice McFlurry :bc: (alice@beige.party)

How much does it cost to rent the Goodyear Blimp?

How much more to get it to say "Ice Cube's a pimp."

@dannotdaniel You are the best thing to happen to humanity. Oh, the humanity.

@dannotdaniel Fun? Fact: I share my birthday with the day the Hindenburg crashed.

@lydialurch @kimlockhartga @dannotdaniel I am very interested in Pompeii. I have a dumb degree in geology with a focus on environmental science and natural disasters and I'm seriously fascinated by all of those poor people frozen in time which is why I try to do a cool breakdancing pose whenever I feel a California earthquake coming on because I want to ensure I’m timelessly captured as a badass MFer.

All of my father's Facebook posts/comments are large blocks of text with at least six answers to security questions.

"My mother's maiden name is Eloise McKenzie and my grandfather was Robert McKenzie. I was named after him and he bought me my first car which was a Ford Thunderbird that I got for my high school graduation in 1971. It was a beautiful blue which is my favorite color and also the name of my high school mascot GO Blue Devils! My grandfather was born in 1902, which I always thought was interesting because that is also the last four digits of my social security number which I also use as my ATM PIN since it's easy to remember."

(Names and numbers have been changed to preserve any last bit of security we may have)

Oh, wait! Another story!

Shortly after my mom passed away, my dad and I went to pick up my mom’s ashes from the crematorium and my dad asked about the number tag that was attached to the box and the funeral director proudly said something like “Oh, yes! We use these for identification so we can ensure loved ones are reunited” and then he went on to mention that they also have a name label on the bottom and, when he flipped it over to show us, there was the name of some random person who definitely wasn’t my mom.

The funeral director looked absolutely mortified and pretty much ran away with the box and returned with my mom’s box and apologized profusely, but my dad and I just sat there, desperately trying to calm the funeral director while trying to control our laughter because we both knew my mom would have been laughing the hardest about the absurdity of it all.

Oh! One other memory of when my mom was in hospice.

My mom never drank alcohol, but in her last week, she suddenly said she wanted a beer and asked me to go to the store to buy some.

I was totally in shock, but also thinking “who am I to deprive this dying woman of her last wish to drink a beer?” so I went to the store and grabbed a sampler pack of beer.

I headed back and asked her which one she wanted to try and she laughed and said:

“Oh, I don’t want a beer. I just thought you and your dad could each have one so you could stop being so uptight and SERIOUS about everything.”

Valentine’s Day always reminds me of the time when my mom was in hospice and one of my parents’ elderly neighbor ladies brought a gift basket.

Here’s the thing. Due to being around Valentine’s Day and the likely limited options at the store, this gift basket was a super tacky Valentine’s gift basket with a teddy bear and some chocolates and some other random items.

It was a totally weird gift basket, but my mom thought it was pretty hilarious because WHO BRINGS A VALENTINE’S GIFT BASKET TO THEIR DYING NEIGHBOR?

Anyway, after the neighbor left, my mom and I started looking through the basket to see what was in it and that’s when we realized that it wasn’t just a Valentine’s gift basket, but a SEXY Valentine’s gift basket and the teddy bear wasn’t just a teddy bear, but a SEXY teddy bear and it also came with flavored lotions and oils and other “sexy” stuff.

That poor neighbor clearly had no idea what was in it and likely just grabbed a random gift basket because it had a dumb teddy bear in it, but it seriously provided us with hours of entertainment digging through that sexy gift basket and forcing “sexy” gifts on my mom’s friends whenever they’d come to visit.

Anyway, happy Valentine’s Day, neighbor lady. I hope you’ve made it a tradition of handing out sexy gift baskets to dying people because it really does lighten the mood.

If you have to end your sentence with "lmao" or "lol" it probably wasn't funny in the first place.

I wonder why all of the Suicide Girls died off.

I just got reprimanded for breastfeeding in public which is absolutely absurd given that it’s a completely natural human behavior that needs to be normalized and besides how else was I supposed to silence that lady’s screaming baby?

Murphy's Law says that if you sleep in his bed, it's going to close with you in it and you'll die.

Maybe JK Rowling is only aggressive against trans women because most of them are better women than she'll ever be?

Disclaimer: I had to say "most" because Caitlyn Jenner is kind of a garbage human too.

It seriously took me five minutes to figure out what he was saying because he was saying about 14 syllables due to drawing out a long A sound that's not even in the word "eggs."

English isn't my husband's first language because he grew up in Michigan.

I'm not very competitive and don't get bummed when I lose and genuinely get excited when others win, but the moment I’m watching a stranger play a demo game in a targeted ad, I turn into an abusive football dad, internally shouting things like "you gotta move the orange block, DUMBASS!"

If anyone tries to lobotomize me, I’m going to give them a piece of my mind.

Hear me out. It’s a gigantic Newton’s Cradle where the silver balls are replaced with actual baby cradles.

Kindly stop saying "kindly" because it immediately puts me in a very unkind mindset.