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   Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 02:54:30 JST Miakoda

   Still sitting in the front of my mind is the experience of informing my housemates of my close friend being missing, and later turning up dead, and being asked repeatedly if I was pulling an April Fool's prank.
   I have to be honest... It was one of the most intense moments of "These people don't even know me!" I can remember in a long time, and certainly the most horrific.
   These are supposedly friends of mine. To think I'd do that, as hardly composed as I was.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:00:11 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     I'd have been deeply hurt if I wasn't already beside myself. There wasn't any capacity left to process it much at the time, and it's not worth the discussion with any of them.

     Then that was later followed up with being asked to play my dead friend's chracter, and intense anger at me when I wanted to wait till affer the funeral to even concider doing so.
     What the fuck. This guy didn't talk to me for days over it.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:01:49 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     This event changed how I feel/think about the people I live with. Some closer, some pushed further away for my sanity. That's just the reality of it.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:16:32 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     My whole life is full of people who should have known me, but ndeed had no fucking clue who I am as a person.
     My mother still holds the top position on that list, and is part of why we're estranged.
     It baffles my mind every time I realized it's happnened again. . . someone who should know me well knows me less well than strangers do. It's worse when they insist they know me better than I know myself.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:23:28 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     I'm not even difficult to know well. I open easily to kind people, I don't hide my motives, and I mean what I say.
     This should be easy. Somehow, though, there are people who are way off in left feild when it comes to having any idea who I am.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:32:13 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     Sarah's suicide changed my priorities.
     I don't want to spend my energy trying to fix friendships that hurt me. I'd rather spend it being the best friend I can be for those who do know me well and love me. They deserve all my spoons. The others can have the leftovers.
     I don't want to lose someone who cares about me and think I could have spent more time or energy on them, that I wasted it on those who I can't even figure out why they call themselves my friend.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:44:07 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts
     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts @GreenRoc

     Yeah, that's relatable. I couldn't have missrd the cues, I was up to some shit.

   • Embed this notice
     Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama (punishmenthurts@autistics.life)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:44:08 JST Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts

     @GreenRoc @hellomiakoda
     .
     my kids
     .
     I'm supposed to confess to some lifelong lie where I was never myself for a minute, this is believable, but my real self couldn't possibly be true, me being a simple sweet R-word is impossible, I have to be an evil genius who only PRETENDS to be a clueless R-word 😜
     .
     FFS

   • Embed this notice
     Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:44:09 JST Green Roc Thoughts

     in reply to

     @hellomiakoda gfd, I get that too, from people who are supposed to be family... and strangers also have told me that I'm a troll, toxic, manipulative, vindictive... and I am none of those.

     My own father accused me of trying to be spoiled, he took that idea to his grave.

     I try to be good, every second of everyday of my life, often to my own detriment. But still, most people who come across me will treat me like I'm some evil monster.

     Theory: fear of unknown, they feel the unknown is bad.
     1/?

   • Embed this notice
     Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 03:44:09 JST Green Roc Thoughts

     in reply to

     @hellomiakoda Spoiled, as far as a wheelchair person is spoiled when asking for a ramp.

     They often dont understand the accommodations we need because the accommodations we need usually arent visibly obvious.

     EG: Lights dimmed, sound lowered, exempt from dress codes, more time with everything (paperwork, phone calls, appointments, communication, etc).

     Bad? Hell no, not me, never in my life have I EVER chosen malice (my mom would disagree). Different? Absolutely yes.
     2/?

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:02:06 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts
     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts @GreenRoc I too have spent my lifr being accused of being a failed normal person. Maybe I could have thrived as a perfectly comulent abnormal person.

     It's been relstively short thst I've known I'm not a defecctive NT, I'm a hurt autistic person.

   • Embed this notice
     Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:02:07 JST Green Roc Thoughts

     in reply to

     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts @hellomiakoda Argh I hate that ideaology.

     you aint the R word, you aint the person they knew when you were fawning either. Fawning, pretending to be NT... a survival tactic, a result of brainwashing you endured from your first memories (as I reference your expeirence from my own, which may or may not be the same).

     Gawd I wish they knew the truth, instead they are believing wehatever BS fits their own ideaologies to benifit their own personal comfort, father be damned

     :(

   • Embed this notice
     Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama (punishmenthurts@autistics.life)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:02:07 JST Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts

     @GreenRoc @hellomiakoda
     .
     Yes, yes I am!!
     Stop telling me I'm some normal guy who thinks what everybody thinks, FFS - that was the problem in my life, I AM a God's Fool sort and they wouldn't believe it, wouldn't let me be it, and my own kids don't know it.
     .
     I was never called the R-word, instead they lied and called me normal. I want to reclaim it.

   • Embed this notice
     Miakoda (hellomiakoda@pdx.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:21 JST Miakoda

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts
     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts @GreenRoc "You're so brilliant" was the excuse I got to dismiss my needs

   • Embed this notice
     Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:22 JST Green Roc Thoughts

     in reply to

     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts May I have a repeat? I need repeats, or you dont have to, I'm not your boss. I dont decide anything for you. You respond at your own leizure, or not at all.

     I wish to acknowledge your freedom of choice, and acknowledge my stupidity on not knowing what is sarcasm or not.

   • Embed this notice
     Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama (punishmenthurts@autistics.life)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:22 JST Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts

     @GreenRoc
     .
     we've got two streams, this was in the other one:
     .
     .
     my birth troubles were a family secret, and the neurodivergence was too, part of it, and they were never going to tell me - and they were never going to look after me. It was, nah, you're normal, go to school, nah, you're normal, get a job. They never called me R-word so they would never have to acknowledge me or look after me.
     .

   • Embed this notice
     Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:23 JST Green Roc Thoughts

     in reply to

     • Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     @punishmenthurts @hellomiakoda I'm sorry, I dont get it. Either of you willing to elaborate?

     I personally got told there was something wrong with me since I was two, and abused into behaving like a normal person, which I could never perfectly achieve. I always fell short of their goals/expectations, even with my best efforts.

     Across four adult years I tried VERY hard, but my body gave up and had meltdowns, w/o my consent.

     I cant act like a normal person, my acting skills are not good enough.

   • Embed this notice
     Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama (punishmenthurts@autistics.life)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:23 JST Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts

     @GreenRoc @hellomiakoda
     .
     I think I answered somewhere

   • Embed this notice
     Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama (punishmenthurts@autistics.life)'s status on Tuesday, 06-May-2025 04:24:24 JST Goiterzan/Amygdalai Lama

     in reply to

     • Green Roc Thoughts

     @hellomiakoda @GreenRoc
     .
     you get it. TY.