Notices by Green Roc Thoughts (greenroc@mastodon.social), page 2

@hellomiakoda Yup. The submissive housewife wanting a nuclear family, and I was supposed to be the last piece of her perfect ideal family.

I never was ever good enough even tho she was taught to tell me "We did the best we could" and "I love you" but oh her correcting me on her deathbed was just devastating to my self worth. I'm glad they're dead, so I could be free of their performance and corrections.

@hellomiakoda Ohhhh ok. I expect clockwise to volume up.

@hellomiakoda
And remember, when you brother decides to turn volume to max on the dial, and unmutes it right as he leaves the house, you turn it back down or you will get your face slapped by your mom's open hand because you only turned off the power in the panic of that sound event your brother left you with, because he grew into a rich as fuck tech bro and your an unemployable autistic with sound sensitivities.

What the fuck was I supposed to learn other than assholes win and I suffer.

@hellomiakoda

Test it first.

@hellomiakoda Seems so.

Medical dont want to deal with what looks like mental problems.

Almost feels like they take glee in declaring me psychotic.

I wonder if they get paid a bonus for getting me relocated out of their medical wards into mental holds.

Gross neglect, and I wont want to die without being an example of what not to do to people like me.

I dont want my death to mean nothing. I want to be a martyr for proper medical care, if anything.

An MRI scan did happen last year, I recall being told there were black spots detected, but we never got copies of those scans because of the requirement of documents which I cannot do without triggering my PTSD.

So those records are lost somewhere in some place we cant get to. Anyone else will be unable to get those records because HIPAA wont let them.

I may have multiple sclerosis, but whenever I have a flair up, I'm assumed psychotic and put in mental ward, instead of getting a scan (MRI scan is what my roommates expected last time I had an 'episode', but didn't happen)

We three don't know how to get MS proven or disproven, when medical hospital staff assume phychosis, instead of scanning my brain with the MRI.

I learned when my mom was suffering from MS, the CT scan will not pick up the dark spots, and MRI will.

Am I really going to blame the dogs?

NO!

no.

BARKS yes.
NO SOUNDPROOFING yes.
Allowing dogs everywhere YES.
No spaces to live for people who need NO DOGS... YES.

It's not the dog.
It's the bark.

REAL service dogs are trained to not bark at random stuff.

Am I blaming, what?
failure to recognize how damaging sudden noises are to autistics.

What do I want society to do?
RECOGNIZE THAT WE ARE SENSITIVE and cant filter out noisy crap bombarding us daily.

Always been the noise that triggers.

MS is incurable, but is preventable by avoiding stress, but due to the pressures in loving in today's society, the stress was unavoidable no matter how much I tried to avoid all stress, the stress of avoiding what would not stop forcing itself into my life, has likely tipped me over the edge into a slow, avoidable death.

Biggest unavoidable stress: all these barks from dogs around my home I cant avoid.

Secondary is all the paperwork and phone calls society insists upon.

I dunno how to get care I need, avoid the wrong kind of care.

I been warned that if I have three mental 'holds' I will be obligated to be put into a group home, wrong care, likely suffer 'psychotic death'.

I worry getting more holds for something that has a history of getting women locked in chains at the beginning of the 20's century, and currently could be proven as actual dark spots in the brain on an MRI.

But, treatment in America, is 41k a month.

I dont wanna die like this.

Am I having psychotic episodes or MS flair ups?

We dont know.
MS has not been disproven.
Actual psychotic episodes are only proven by observations, and MS flairs can look exactly the same as psychotic episodes.

I watched MS take apart my mom across ten years. What I been feeling reminds me of her experience I witnessed.

To prove/disprove I have MS, has been lost/locked behind doctor privilege and implicit bias. So far, medical staff have dx'd psychosis 3x now, not physical brain defects.

@georgetakei Ego should have no place in politics.

This is what ego gets us :/

@hellomiakoda "it takes me a while to get used to someone so I can communicate with them" Ditto.

Trust takes time too

I told the caregving boss, that I like about three of them so far out of the ssix, but the last one was again, new to me, and didnt wear a mask, told me to "calm down" So I, in an emotions raging high, said, they are all fired.

Three out of five, I said I can like the three, a new one came like wtf, can they not read the notes they said to wear a mask, let themselves in, fck.

@hellomiakoda My brain imagines, you showing this previous toot to them, saying in a firm voice.... "She is just like me! I am just like her! Can you not get it? Are you that numb? Or you just dont give a crap.

Assholes, the lot of you"

My brain is angry and compassionate for your situation. You shouldn't have to put up with their consideration constipation.

@hellomiakoda :(

Sadness.
What a shame, saddens me they just dont get it.
:sadness:

@hellomiakoda My carers changed every week with new caregiving provider, so I fired em.

Every week, they get lost before they find my door, would park in the wrong spot, and everyone doesnt know where the laundry room is. One of em said the #1 thing to not say to me "Calm down".

I cant feel safe with a new person every week. I have STRONG relate to your situation.

I need sameness. I need to not have to go outside.

I acknowledge your struggle with solidarity + my stories.
Feel free to share.

@hellomiakoda smh... I have certified level 2 social interaction, with no intellectual impairment. Level 2 is significant enough to need a care giving service to help me communicate.

If only you could ignore the roommies existence.

@hellomiakoda I am trugglign to fucking becuse meltdown.. sceensoht I am incaboleble of alt texting atn

notifications are showing this:

@hellomiakoda I am so angry at that right now, when the last thing I need is more anger, and hinderance from seeing the replies I need right now, I happened to see you, looking at my home feed.

I am unable to view notifications

"The requested page could not be rendered. It could be due to a bug in our code, or a browser compatibility issue."

Notifications.
where I always look for replies.

Hey Karma? Did you know you have the wrong address? I'm not the three bullies you are trying to dish harm upon.

Just please stop huring me, please. I have had enogh fopr three lifetimes of hell.
Just let me die already, this hurts too damned much.