Lulu · לולו
At which point did we, as a species, decide that it makes sense to ask a potential date whether they intend to have a "short-term" / "long-term" / "lifelong" relationship before even meeting them for the first time?
You see, darling, I don't even know if I like you. Listen, gorge, this is not how any of this works. I don't set the time limit *before* getting to know someone and seeing how well we get along. Look, honey, you sound like you're filling in a form. Are you a bot?
Lulu · לולו
I don't understand why these things are not obvious.
Next time I get asked: "are you looking for a long-term relationship?" or hear someone say "I don't like ONS" - I should be like, our experience and understanding of human life and behavior differ so significantly that I think we should avoid the inconvenience of meeting without having any shared reality whatsoever.
Polychrome :blabcat:
Lulu · לולו
And since I'm in the mood for dying on hills: a one-night stand, even if you abbreviate it to ONS for whatever reason, is not a premeditated choice. I feel like I'm losing touch with humanity...
I'll try to explain: if we meet for sex and we like each other, we'll probably meet again. Hey, we might even have some pillow talk and get to know each other. If, on the other hand, one or more of us didn't like the experience, it would be silly for us to force ourselves to meet again.
Lulu · לולו
Could you explain this to me like I'm 5?
Why would someone *choose* to arbitrarily stop a fling after 3 weeks when it's the hottest thing they ever experienced in their lives? What's their interest in doing so? What's the gain? What's their angle?
Wolfe Silver
@lulu like it's ok if you wanna go with the flow but personally im about as flowy as naxal ayalon in august
Wolfe Silver
@lulu source: too fucking many men who weren't upfront about only wanting a 3 week fling,
Wolfe Silver
@lulu i think that this does make some sense
some people are not willing to have any kind of long term romance at all and it's good to be upfront about it
some people are looking to find someone they can spend the rest of their life with and it's good to be upfront about it
if i know i want a long term partner and im not interested in a 3 week fling and the other person knows they're interested in a short exciting fling and not interested in any long term romance, it'd feel like a waste of time for both of us to even go out on one date
Lulu · לולו
@wolfe This assumption isn't always true, as is seen, crucially, in this case.
I like having long-term relationships with people I click with. I don't know whether I click with this person that I don't know yet, so no, I am not *looking for* a long-term relationship with them. If I do click with them, I'll be happy to watch this affair grow into a long-term relationship, but that's not what I was looking for in the first place.
Wolfe Silver
@lulu i feel like there's just this hidden assumption that we look for the things we like?
Lulu · לולו
@wolfe I'm really sorry that men break your heart, dear.
I do find gay dating apps more direct and simple.
Regarding aro and anxiety, I think the issue here is trying to gauge something that the person doesn't know. So, bear with me, wouldn't it make sense to ask "do you *like* long-term relationships?" (like, found them satisfying in the past) rather than "looking for" one? And I think that an honest answer can be "I don't know", which still provides the information you're after. wdyt?
Wolfe Silver
why not just say aro: a lot of people don't have the vocab for it or feel like that word doesn't accurately describe their situation or feel like it's too politically charged
why still look if it makes you anxious: it could be that what makes them anxious is when it drags on for too long! that's usually the case with the men who break my heart 😎
people who want nsa sex: usually just say nsa sex, or "fun" in grindr code
Lulu · לולו
@wolfe I don't understand aro or ace so I can't say anything about it, but wouldn't it be easier to specify *this* rather than to speak about the length of the term of the wished for relationship?
If someone's anxious of romance or gets tired of partners quickly, do they know it in advance? If so, why are they still looking? If not, what good is it to ask them?
Lulu · לולו
@wolfe But wait, suppose someone wants an anonymous no-attachment one-time sex encounter kind of thing (not my thing, but I don't kink-shame), wouldn't it make more sense to speak about the no-attachment expectation rather the length of the term?
Wolfe Silver
@lulu because they don't want to be tied down by a capital r Relationship? because they're some kind of aro? because romance makes them anxious and they think it's not worth it? because they always get tired of their partners after about that long?
Wolfe Silver
@lulu "זורם על הכל מפאן עד חתן" כמו ששכן בפלורנטין ניסח את זה פעם
Wolfe Silver
@lulu in Standard Grindr Speak i'd call this "open to everything, depending on chemistry", which is one of the common accepted answers
Lulu · לולו
@wolfe When I'm on a dating site, what I'm looking for is connection with a new person. Maybe we can have good sex. Maybe we have some shared experiences that will be interesting for us to speak about. Maybe we will find shared interests or just like talking to each other.
I can't already plan a relationship of any length with them before getting to know if we like, you know, enjoy spending time together.
Lulu · לולו
@Polychrome Thank you! 😊💖
Polychrome :blabcat:
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