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   eris (eris@akko.disqordia.space)'s status on Wednesday, 01-Nov-2023 05:35:20 JST eris

   • Sexy Moon
   • Arcanya :arcanya:
   • calm engine ✨ sinkuchan
   @Arcana @ciel @Moon I think it happens, I think sometimes people are pressured in and maybe don't even realize that something was non-consensual or coerced until later on when they deal with the effects of feeling icky or damaged by the interaction, or struggle to have future sexual relationships and realize that a previous "consensual" session was to blame, and then rightly label that as them dealing with the aftermath of rape that they agreed to.
   
   But I'd also agree that those situations do often get turned into "this person is my rapist we need to excommunicate them now!" when the person accused only has the memory of consensual sex that they didn't know was doing harm
   
   Sexual assault is tricky and complicate with a lot of nuance which is why I personally stay away from being reductive about it with things like KYLR
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   • Embed this notice
     Sir Inge (ildottore@social.xenofem.me)'s status on Wednesday, 01-Nov-2023 05:53:01 JST Sir Inge

     in reply to

     • Sexy Moon
     • Arcanya :arcanya:
     • calm engine ✨ sinkuchan
     @eris @Arcana @ciel @Moon I think one of the biggest problems is the framing of intent and knowledge of boundaries being conflated with harm done—that is, that if someone didn’t know they were bypassing boundaries, the other party can’t be traumatized and experience it as violence, and vice-versa (that if a party is traumatized, the one who caused that must’ve been malicious and known the boundary somewhere). Real encounters, especially sexual ones (but not exclusively), are a lot more complex, and we do a disservice to everyone by framing consent and trauma in such a way.
     eris likes this.
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     Sir Inge (ildottore@social.xenofem.me)'s status on Wednesday, 01-Nov-2023 05:53:59 JST Sir Inge

     in reply to

     • Sexy Moon
     • Arcanya :arcanya:
     • Sir Inge
     • calm engine ✨ sinkuchan
     @eris @Arcana @Moon @ciel An example I’ve seen:
     
     Camper A at camp is gay and autistic. Camper B has been mocking him for being gay.
     
     Campers A and B have an encounter. A makes some sexual jokes and gestures—this is corroborated by all. Camper A did not touch Camper B—this is also corroborated by all involved.
     
     B accuses A of sexual assault.
     
     Now, A didn’t even touch B, and these jokes are common with boys that age. But A did make sexual comments and gestures, so the camp decides it’s sexual harassment, and A is kicked out.
     
     If a straight kid, especially one who’s neurotypical and understands boundaries and comfort levels better than kid A, made these same jokes, it would’ve been fine.
     
     But here’s the kicker—B really was shaken. He dealt with discomfort and pain equivalent to other sexual harassment. Can we deny that because it came from a source of homophobia, or because A didn’t intend it? B was really hurt.
     
     In this case, models of aggressor/victim break down. One would have to either say that A is a predator simply for making jokes that straight NT kids could make, or that B wasn’t actually hurt or affected by what happened. But neither of those are true.
     
     (As a camp counsellor at the time, this whole event really shook me and I’m still a bit fucked up over it over a year later)
     eris likes this.