Notices by goatsarah (goatsarah@thegoatery.dyndns.org), page 2

So what’s it like being on amphetamine?

Well it’s a lot like being on HRT except you’d have to detransition every day before bed.

@Akki "Thanks. Lovely"

*throws in doom box where it lands on top of other unopened planners*

@Akki I can sort of manage a thing sometimes where I steer the thoughts into complete abstract nonsense that sort of folds in on itself because it becomes so weird I can’t work out what I’m actually thinking about.

Mostly that just jolts me into a rebooted thought train, but sometimes I can fall immediately asleep if it hits just right.

So I’m awake after 3 hours of sleep, again, and my thoughts are going at a zillion kph, again, but one of the ones I can grab onto is “the problem here is that we don’t get medicated at night and so my brain will do this and that’s probably why my sleep is so utterly crappy and I wonder if there’s stuff about this on the Internet”.

(Yes, that was a single sentence. Trust me, I am slowing TF down to even get it to that state)

So I grab my phone and search for “ADHD stimulants racing thoughts sleep” and one of the first things that comes up is this: simplypsychology.org/adhd-raci…

And I want to say lots of things about this. Which one to start with?

Ok, firstly whilst this has a bit about “what you can try if this is you”, it’s clearly not written FOR us because it’s written in that very neurotypical style. You know the one: “90 percent of this article could have been not labouring the point and getting on with it and will you bloody chaos goblins PLEASE stop interrupting?”

Secondly, there’s a lot of stuff on the Internet of this type that ends up being “have you tried NOT having ADHD?” which this isn’t, at least for some people because I recognise the strategies it talks about, eg mindfulness, journaling, grounding, creating a routine, etc as stuff that some of my friends do, and they DO help.

But thirdly and finally, it still feels like that for me because pretty much everything it suggests is stuff I just can’t bloody do.

And I’m NOT being oppositional defiant or stubborn or wilfully obstructive here. I promise, I have tried this stuff, and most if not all of it I just can’t bloody do (except, maybe I’m literally doing one of the things now, ironically, maybe. Will come back to that).

Let’s look at the suggestions, and this is specifically about SLEEP, so the ones that are “just take the goddam speed” don’t apply here. I take the goddam speed in the daytime and that stops them and I quite often nap as a result, because I’m fucking exhausted (that’s literally the thought that started this cascade).

I’m gonna group a few: mindfulness and grounding, acknowledge and let go.

I have had people get intensely frustrated with me because they insist, pretty much to the point of yelling at me sometimes, that I should be trying these things. It seems some people can do them and they work, so perhaps a lot of that evangelism comes from a place of kindness and the subsequent frustration comes from what is seen as my stubborn dismissal.

I get that. I really do.

But I have TRIED to do all this stuff and here’s the issue; it all relies on me interrupting myself to do the shit it’s suggesting, and having the attention span and willpower to keep doing that.

And for me that interruption induces monotropic split; that stressful adrenal surge when pulled out of hyperfocus, except this time I’m doing it to myself.

And so there I am, having just caused monotropic split, literally fight or flighting myself, and now you want me to “concentrate on my breathing”, or some shit?

Yeah, cool story bro. The fucking LOOK I’m giving you, yes, you know the one, do I need to go on? I don’t? Excellent.

Sleep hygiene. SLEEEEEEEEEP HYGEINE. Well. What’s that? Develop a routine? Limit screen time before bed? Be slow and methodical and self disciplined at the point the stimulants are wearing off and gather all your executive function to act like you can actually have a rigid routine that you stick to, day after day, or at least most of them.

Trying that relies on the novelty trigger. And I suspect it will get so old so fast that it might get tried once. Or half a time. Or not at all. Look at all the pretty fucking squirrels.

I do not do routine. I can just about manage “take your lisdexamphetamine with breakfast to make it work better and rescue you from chaos goblin mode” most days.

Most

Yeah. No. Not doing that shit. Not happening. That’s AAAAAAAAAAAALL the way into “have you tried not having ADHD?” territory and actually, I have tried not having ADHD, sort of. It actually rules but it also relies on me doing that thing I’m not supposed to do: take speed in the middle of the night.

Do you do, like, maybe benzodiazepines? Yeah, I know, they stop working. Melatonin has never actually done shit when I’ve tried it. Maybe i seriously need to investigate finding someone who will let me try amphetamine and SNRI (atomoxetine) combination therapy? That might work.

Sorry. Squirreled there. My bad.

Physical exercise and movement. I’m in bed. I have needed to piss for the last 90 minutes and yet I have not pissed. Point made? Good.

Reframe. Ok, these are mostly not “I wonder why we have ten toes?” Thoughts. Ok. Some of them are. Squirrel. Most of them are actually “given the state of the world let’s dwell on the actually not implausible scenarios in which I could die quite horribly and quite soon”.

Not thanking my brain for those. Not imagining them in a silly voice. Just mostly being actually shit scared of them.

Time blocking: doesn’t apply. I’m in bed. Also stuff that’s “time management” coded falls into the category of “things that caused my worst burnouts in the half century I had no fucking help for any of this” and so there trauma-coded. That sucks.

Healthy distractions:journaling. Used to be quite the blogger but burned out. More recently I tried using the iPhone’s journaling app for a bit. Made lovely journal entries. Novelty trigger wore off. Phone reminding me to journal my day served as a repeating monument to failure. I deleted the app.

But here I am. I wrote this. It’s probably full of typos. I wrote it on my phone. Might cone back and tidy it up later. Probably won’t.

Suspect this is a once only thing. Also it took me well over an hour and it’s now half past eight and I still need to piss, and I still need to sleep.

Might be able to manage the first one at least. Finally.

God, I fucking hate having ADHD.

@benjamincox I’m honestly lost!

Is it the coffee on top? I use it to avoid a hard landing.

I’m having a custom corset made because I’m worth it. Went for the fit test of the mockup today (the final thing is a sumptuous red with black lace detail).

Anyway, she’s gonna take it in another 2-3cm at the waist and give me more push up in the bust.

Exciting!

@fesshole ah, another “cishet relationships resembling a Cold War for some weird reason” fess

Is someone forcing you people to do this?

Selfies. One medicated, one unmedicated.

I feel like I’m leading a weird dual existence. Not two people but one person who has a consistent personality but two very different ways of being.

It’s so odd.

@alexadeswift I was mostly using it to relax.

But it’s kinda crap at that compared to amphetamine.

I honestly did not expect starting ADHD meds to result in me seriously considering almost completely giving up alcohol.

Almost seems a shame. Whatever. Gotta move on.