Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

Detective here, on the odd occasion I have to interview someone called Anderson, I refer to them as Mr Anderson through the interview and pretend to be Agent Smith from the Matrix.

Everyone needs a hobby. My friend's hobby is trawling through Spotify looking for publicly editable "Sex playlists". Then he adds Yakety Sax (also known as the Benny Hill theme) somewhere in the middle. Not my fess, definitely posting for a friend.

Don't want my family to have to pay for my funeral. I have bought the coffin. It's in the garage. Also just got delivery of my headstone. They just need to add the year I die. The birth year is a joke, so it'll look like I lived over 300 years. I want people to laugh.

I work for a UK FCA regulated financial services firm. I've been working illegally from Bulgaria with a VPN for the last 3 years and no one's noticed

Before recycling glass jars and bottles, I don't just wash them out - I also polish them until they glisten and shine. I like to imagine the lads down at the recycling plant examining my glass and saying "brilliant polishing, Matt, you fucking legend". They probably don't though.

Recently got married and my wife delightfully referred to my cum as "hubby custard" in her best Teletubby voice. I think I married the right person and couldn't be prouder.

I hate having to go to London so take great pleasure in dawdling about to upset the stroppy entitled locals. Favourites include fumbling for my ticket or phone at the tube and walking slowly then randomly stopping on the pavement.

Divorced, have no one to scratch my back now. Cut a rough, bristly floor mat in half and glued it to the corner of the wall in my bedroom, so I can rub my back against it like a bear with a tree.

My partner snores. I love it. It's such a gentle, restful sound. Like rain against the window, or an open fire in the hearth, or an old clock peacefully ticking in the hall.

Became a dog groomer because I love my dog and thought it would be great to spend all day with other dogs. I was wrong, it's just my dog is the best.

Found out my employer, the owner of a group of pubs, has been selling pints in glasses 8% smaller than they should be. Took time out of my work day today to calculate he made an extra £200,000 last year. I'm 'asking' for a pay rise tomorrow.

Growing up I used to think it wood be really nice if my penis could meet another penis it could be friends with and I said this to a mate when I was 22 and he said 'yeah, you're gay mate' and that's the first time I realised I was.

Their fess really. I worked typing up results for a survey the council did on "how to improve our village". First complaint, too many immigrants. Second complaint, no Indian or Chinese restaurant. Pick a complaint guys, you can't have both.

I'm 52 years old and have been a gamer since a kid. However, I'm not very good. I play every game I buy on easy mode because my reactions are shit. And I want to get value for my money without being put off by dying every five minutes.

I heard a knobhead in the pub saying that maybe he's imagining it, but he feels as if he's in a 70s horror film because of the way people stand and glare at his TESLA when he drives it through the village. He's not imagining it. We've got a WhatsApp group.

Guy at work kept stealing lunches so I made raspberry jam sarnies with a huge dollop of mint sauce to teach him a lesson. Turns out the sick bastard loved the taste and now brings in his own everyday. Still, at least he's stopped nicking lunch off other people.

I just finished an IT project to put ad blockers on everyone's browser. I work at an advertising company.

I wash the bedding and make the bed weekly but leave the pillowcases and pillows separate on the bed. I tell my wife it's so our kid does a token amount of housework putting them back on. It's because I do most of the housework and otherwise she wouldn't notice it was being done.

I regularly go in to Waterstones and take the signed by the author stickers off books and move them on to the books of long dead authors.

Gave my Uber driver a blowjob but still only got a three star rating. What the hell.