I'm a teacher. I have a rivalry with another teacher. One day she brought some jelly beans into class. I stuck some of them up my nose and put them back in the packet. It was only later that, to my horror, I learned she let the kids take one bean each for excellent work that day.
Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 04-Jul-2024 08:28:40 JST Fesshole 🧻
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 03-Jul-2024 01:59:26 JST Fesshole 🧻
Someone--no idea who--has been using one of my streaming accounts to work their way through a popular TV series. I see their progress every time the "continue watching" list is displayed. They have one episode left, the big series finale. I changed my account password today.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 02-Jul-2024 18:35:35 JST Fesshole 🧻
Last year my wife came home from her work's Xmas party and she randomly gave me a blowjob. How the hell can you come home from a work's party horny? She's keeping something quiet isn't she?
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 02-Jul-2024 05:27:04 JST Fesshole 🧻
My wife made two loaves of homemade bread, she went out while they cooled, I had a slice, then two, next I realised I'd eaten 1 and half loaves, so I threw the remaining loaf into the dogs basket, she'd forgive him before she'd forgive me. It was tasty bread though.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 30-Jun-2024 20:27:21 JST Fesshole 🧻
In a sexually open relationship for the last 10 years now.
For her last birthday I hired her a "well endowed" male escort to pleasure her every which way, which she enjoyed immensely. 6 months later for my birthday. Yep. A pair of socks and some beers. -
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 30-Jun-2024 18:58:31 JST Fesshole 🧻
Years ago I stole a prize marrow from a garden en route home from the pub and told mum I won it in a raffle. Whilst eating it that weekend she told us all about the poor lady round the corner who'd had her marrow stolen by "some scum".
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 29-Jun-2024 18:30:31 JST Fesshole 🧻
Wife left me some leftover lasagne to eat while she went out with her girlfriends for the evening, I really fancied a curry but didn't want her to know so I chucked the lasagne in the outside bin and went out for a curry. Got food poisoning and she thinks her lasagne did it.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 29-Jun-2024 10:20:13 JST Fesshole 🧻
Started a new job this week, couldn't figure out the boiling water tap for coffee, so used cold water out of embarrassment. Someone saw and asked why, said I liked it that way. He told the team. Now have to have cold water coffee everyday.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 28-Jun-2024 19:46:51 JST Fesshole 🧻
Sometimes when my wife is talking to me & I need to maintain the illusion that I'm listening, I slightly cross eyes so she splits into two images, & try and line them up so that she has three eyes. It's an amusing image and also means I keep eye contact and look engaged.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 25-Jun-2024 18:29:50 JST Fesshole 🧻
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said 'amazing news'. She told me baby was three months old and I'd just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 24-Jun-2024 11:42:42 JST Fesshole 🧻
My boyfriend has started working from home 1 day a week. The way he speaks to his colleagues has been a bit of an eye opener that's making me reconsider our relationship. Just today i've heard him say the phrases low hanging fruit, synergy, proof in the pudding & extra bandwidth.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 22-Jun-2024 21:51:12 JST Fesshole 🧻
My boss at work asked my opinion. I offered my real opinion. I'm no longer employed and he's no longer my boss. Keep the filter.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 22-Jun-2024 05:25:56 JST Fesshole 🧻
Back in primary school, one of my teachers had a habit of taking her shoes off in class. One day I stole one of her shoes and took it home with me. I'm nearly 35 now and I still have the single shoe. I'd love to return it but she's likely dead by now.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 22-Jun-2024 04:45:30 JST Fesshole 🧻
When I was promoted to the head of cybersecurity for a particular finance company, I enforced a lot of quite unpopular changes to improve security. One of the most unpopular changes I made was force-updating the password to nationally-sensitive financial systems from "Password1".
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 21-Jun-2024 17:26:18 JST Fesshole 🧻
Whenever I throw old socks or pants in the bin when they are beyond reasonable use due to holes, I always give them a kiss and thank them for their service.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 21-Jun-2024 08:04:01 JST Fesshole 🧻
I've been wheelchair bound since 2018. I am so fucking tired of having my path completely blocked by arseholes parking their cars on the pavement, I now carry a small Swiss Army Knife with one of those metal punch attachements. 33 tyres ruined and counting. Cunts.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Jun-2024 21:32:50 JST Fesshole 🧻
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it's because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That's not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Jun-2024 06:39:28 JST Fesshole 🧻
Had an argument on twitter. Moved to DMs. Became just insults and is now just one word replies. The same word each time. Sent thousands of the same message. Neither of us will give in. It's now a competition of who dies last.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Jun-2024 21:26:33 JST Fesshole 🧻
Having an affair with my boss. One of those like you see in films and tv where he takes me to nice hotels and buys me lingerie. Except for when we're having sex he still only wants to talk about work. Even the steamy affair isn't enough to stop him constantly bringing up work.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Jun-2024 00:26:24 JST Fesshole 🧻
Really fancied the new girl in work. She wears band t-shirts & is clearly into rock & metal music. I lied & said i was also into the same type of music. She asked me who my favourite band was. I said Linked-In Park instead of Linkin Park. She laughed at me for a solid 10 mins.