Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

Spotted a phone thief on a bike from my bedroom window. I could see his victim, oblivious that she was about to get robbed. I didn't shout a warning as I was completely naked and didn't want them to see me standing naked in the window. Hope she had insurance and back up.

If you work in a mid-range corporate hotel and have received an aggrieved complaint about the TV not working, it's probably because of me. I hate that fucking red LED flooding the room with light when I'm trying to sleep so I find the mains socket, switch it off and leave it off.

Two of my male birds have been at it like rabbits and they have now made a nest which they are sitting on to await a happy outcome. I don't know how to explain this situation to them.

When someone forwards me mail from a mailing list when I'd rather they didn't, I'll just help them out by using the unsubscribe link in the forwarded message to opt them out of further mailings.

Thought my phone was vibrating with a call but it was me doing a long fart. Noise cancelling headphones have ruined all my perceptions.

The only time I ever failed to rise to the occasion was when attempting to have sex on the acrylic rug in front of her parents' gas fire in Bracknell. Somehow the setting never quite matched up with sex on a sheepskin rug in front of an open fire in a Scottish castle.

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I'm a DJ. People ask why I don't DJ in nightclubs anymore. Well I'm paid three times as much plus it's easier to pull at a wedding. And let's not forget free buffet.

At least five times in my life, I've simultaneously spoiled a paint job and got paint on my finger, simply to test whether the Wet Paint sign was still relevant. The other ten times it wasn't, so I guess I'm up on the experiment.

I like to pull out my nose hairs. They make a satisfying little pop and it makes me sneeze. The fess is really theirs: I've just pulled out a white one. I'm 53 and the hair on my head is thinning but not really very grey. But my nose hairs are going grey. Shame on them

Funeral director by day, shibari instructor by night. Worlds collided a few years ago when a customer asked if her deceased (sub) husband could be buried in bondage. Boyo sleeps eternal in rope, gag, and chastity cage. She's got the key and wore it at the funeral.

In college I went into random empty classrooms and wrote "class cancelled" on the blackboard.

My husband brushes his teeth only once a day and I am going to leave him because of it.

We tried food sex once. Horrible. I wanted to eat strawberries and cream off his body but his chest hair got into everything. He applied an aerosol can of "cheese product" on my body but couldn't lick it off before it hardened and got stuck to ny skin like putty.

At age 20, l crashed my motorbike with minor injuries, cuts, and bruises. Two young women stopped their car and offered to take me to their place to 'repair me'. I politely declined and pushed my motorbike home and spent the next two decades kicking myself.

Didn't realise that house cats could be male until I was at a friend's house and said 'bill' was a strange name for a cat. I was 15. I still cringe thirty years on.

I could never understand why they didn't put snooker commentary on the radio. But now we have bluetooth I can listen to the snooker in the other room. I'm not lending them my eyes when I could be making a stew.

18. Retail job and already sick of working but need to move out. People often shoplift on my shifts, sometimes leave beeping. Couldn't care any less, good for them really. I'm not defending anything for minimum wage.

I don't mind AI for small things but I don't understand people who use it non stop for everything. If my husband says "according to Chat GPT" one more time, I'm going to divorce him.