Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

Often go for a walk and listen to a podcast. If they say something interesting I'll pause it and have a think. Yesterday, I was on a call to my mum. She told a story about her day and I wanted to think before responding. I pressed the pause button, ending the call, by accident.

I don't cut my front hedge until after my neighbour has cut his. I wait until his has just begun to grow again so his will always look like the untidy side..

Me and my best friends all signed up to an App that allows us to see where we all are. This was because we were all going on holiday together. One year on I check it before I go to bed to make sure they are all home safe. I also use it to judge their restaurant choices.

I once dated an estate agent so that I could convince them to encourage a homeowner to bring the price down a bit on a house I wanted. It worked. I dumped them a week after the sale. It's fine, estate agents aren't human anyway.

Was dishonest with my wife by giving a later ETA cos I added time for a detour without telling her. No, not infidelity. Turns out she knows my location cos she's tracking me on a family calendar app without telling me. I don't know which of us is more in the wrong.

As an 18 y/o new driver I backed into a parking space and hit the car next to me. Big dent in that car, no damage to mine. Didn't know what to do. No one around to ask. Took another look round and moved my car to the opposite end of the car park. Never told a soul in 34 years.

This is my Dad's confession. He hates hospitals so he skipped his vasectomy follow up appointment to check it had worked. Instead he used his workplace's lab equipment to check the procedure was successful. It was, no sperm on the slide. Amazing what you can do on a tea break.

Confession time is now. Fill out the form: https://bit.ly/addfess

My partner will only have sex with me if I am behind them. It's taken me 10 years to realise it's because they don't want to see my bloated, bright red face huffing and puffing. I should be offended, but I honestly can't blame them.

My mum is really not a nice person. We rarely see her, but when we do. My wife and I play Brenda bingo. Seeing who can piss her off first then shouting bingo when she finally leaves

When nobody is looking, I eat the greasy sludge from the bottom of the air fryer. The quality is variable, depending on what I've been cooking, but occasionally it'll be the best thing I've ever tasted.

When younger, my brother once left a single Jaffa cake in the packet and I've never forgiven him for it - who wants just one Jaffa cake! Any time I'm at his house, I make sure to eat all but 1 biscuit to teach him a lesson. Its been 20 years now.

Got to work two hours early and stuck a perspex box over the air conditioning controls with no more nails. Have won a decisive victory over colleague who always turns the AC off on hot days.

I'm slightly deaf, so as a child I was confused by how Geoff Capes had been assassinated in Dallas but represented the UK and won medals in the 1970s and 80s. I had seen You Only Live Twice and think I assumed coming back to life was possible.

My wife's pal Charlotte stayed with us recently and ordered a take away for collection under the name Charlie. I went in to collect it & the owner assumed I was Charlie. Now whenever he sees me he calls me Charlie and I guess I'm Charlie now.

My husband does the shopping and he recently switched to buying custard creams instead of bourbons. They're disgusting, so I've been digging into the biscuits we buy our dog. More savoury but light years better than custard creams.

The previous occupant of my flat was disabled and needed a wheelchair. There's a lot of mobility aid metal bars installed around, especially in the bathroom. I was going to have them removed when I moved in, but then discovered they make pretty good gym equipment.

Partner got cancer last year. They're in recovery now but I am still using this as a get out of jail free card. So far I have got out of wedding invites, parties, work trips, seminars, Team meetings and conferences. Turns out there is an upside to cancer.

We've got a daily best of @fesshole posting on Instagram - it tots up the favs and reposts the best five or six fesses every morning at 7:30 to read with your toast. Do give it a follow. Although you probably hate Instagram, to be fair as you're on Mastodon, just follow it quietly, and we won't tell anyone
https://www.instagram.com/p/DLUFQ2Yo7dg/?img_index=1

When I am on a boring Teams meetings I start plucking the hairs on my testicles whilst maintaining a serious contemplative face on camera. The upside to a long boring meeting is a lovely smooth coin purse.