Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue, so I started looking around his socials so I could compare myself to his ex, who runs a diet club. Every day she posts a motivational quote and some advice on staying on track. To date, I've lost 1 stone 3lb and gone down a dress size.

I'm still not over the incident in 2017 where the car CD player ate the CD of "the best sea shanties of the sea shantymen of Cromer", 6 months I put up with that and sold the car with the CD included. I'm scarred and hope the new owners are ok.

Had my first child relatively late and used it as a spur to try and get in less bad shape. A true highlight of my life came at 42, when I heard two mums at the school gate confirm to one another that I'd "get it". Floated through the rest of the day.

Whenever I'm at Manchester Airport, I always pop to The Raddison if I need a poo. The toilets are much nicer than the airport ones. And there's a free coffee machine if you know where to look.

Retirement is proving to be so boring that I sometimes drive to our local motorway services, where I put on the exhausted stagger of a weary traveller, buy an overpriced coffee and sit pretending to recover for the next leg of a gruelling (non-existent) country-length journey.

Using a garden strimmer makes my hands go white and numb from the vibrations. I'd like to buy a scythe but the neighbours will think I'm a psychopath.

When I eat a yogurt I use a baby spoon because the plastic is nicer in my mouth than metal. I'm a woman in my 40s

As an analyst, I started asking questions of a fast-growing company. They liked my skills and knowledge of the company and offered me a big raise to work for them. I took the job and found out they'd been channel stuffing, knew I'd spot it, and wanted my help to cover it up.

60s something bloke. Haven't been to a dentist for 30 years. Front teeth wobbly, so I'm terrified they'll come out or break off if i bite anything. When i make a sandwich i cut it into 9 squares, each piece is small enough to pop in and just chew. So far so good.

Shortly after we married, hubby sent me to buy a jock strap, needed for work apparently,. Convo at the store: Me: I need a jock strap, please. Asst: Yes, what size? Me: Oh, gosh - we've only been married a few months, um. Asst: That'd be adult, then.

Never gave much thought to the free 'feminine hygine' products in the loo at work until I was caught short with no bog roll. Turns out an always maxi pad stuck to your hand gives a truly delux arsewiping experience: soft and pillowy with great coverage. 100% would recommend.

College job, i worked out that Homebase tills would crash by pressing start transaction while the cash drawer was open. It came in handy when I needed a break. Never got found out.

I love my wife and would never leave her but I'm acutely jealous of my divorced friends who get to take a break from being parents every other week.

Hooking up with a married lady. We live close and she had lied about being a few hours away visiting friends . She got a call that partner had collapsed . She couldn't pretend to get back quickly so we carried on. Relief when found out he'd accidentally weed gummied.

When I'm in a hurry, I brush my teeth in the shower. And then conveniently store the brush between my bum cheeks while I wash. Incredibly efficient system.

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I cried when the geography teacher laughed me. Asking how an island as big as Britain floats on the sea is a reasonable question.

Last year I decided to quit vaping. There's a lamppost bin between the car park and my workplace so I binned the vape. By the end of the day my resolve had failed and I retrieved my vape from the bin. It had been a hot day and all I could taste was warm dogshit.

My husband would only say 'I love you', if I said it to him first. I stopped saying it to see what would hsppen. He hasn't told me he loves me in 4 years and now I feel like I don't want to initiate it.