Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

I carefully select kitten videos on the Internet and showing them to my husband. Sometimes when he really likes them he has whole conversations with the cat on the video as though the cat can hear him. He's such a massive dork but it makes me love him more.

I have a cat and I line its tray with newspaper before putting the cat litter in. I always keep an eye out for newspapers with pictures of Nigel Farage as I like the idea of my cat taking a shit on his smug face.

In comedy films you used to see people accidentally use hemorrhoid cream instead of toothpaste and act like it's so awful. Well, I'll tell you from personal experience that the reverse is worse. What a sensation. It's cold, yet it burns.

Saw my friend's husband out with another woman at a restaurant. Said to him "hope your wife knows you are out with her" He said "this IS my wife". I said "yeah yeah pull the other one.". Rang my friend. She was at home. With her husband. Sorry, random guy.

I get a massive secret thrill out of it whenever my husband picks up something very heavy. He doesn't gym, he's just naturally strong. Sometimes "I" rearrange furniture just so I can ogle him while he's moving heavy stuff.

During in-person work meetings, I doodle elaborate abstract compositions on paper. My boss admiringly said that he heard doodling helps to consolidate thinking and spur ideas. In fact I'm not listening to a single fucking thing being said. I just enjoy doodling.

Years ago, I went to a birthday party in a small town. I went to a general store and asked if they had balloons. The fellow said yes. I asked if they had any in fun shapes and he said, "depends on how amusing you find circular". For some reason that's lived in my brain for years.

Ex-employer was always low on tea spoons, because I hated them and every time they pissed me off I threw one away. Left years ago. Fast forward to this week and they've bought my current employer. Silver lining is my spoon famine of terror will be resurrected once more.

If I stay in a hotel for a single night, I sometimes won't use the shower, but I always turn on the water and spray it around and wet the towels and leave them in a heap on the floor to make it look like I did.

On a day off, after dropping the wife off at work, I saw an unusual lorry on the motorway. I was intrigued to where it was going. 80 miles later, still following & thought I cant back out now. Ended up in Scotland. It was a tough one to explain to the wife. Thinks I'm cheating

I am a keen runner and often "vaseline up" before every run to prevent chafing. One run, It started tingling, turned out I'd used the Vaporub. Quite enjoyed it actually. Made me run faster.

I have booked 10 Tesla test drives this week using fake details. I don't turn up to any of them.

I'm retired. I got a phone call at home a few weeks ago from someone reimplementing code I wrote over 20 years ago. There was a comment "now for the tricky bit" followed by about 250 lines of confusing perl. No feature description. No reason. Just my name and a smiley at the end. Sorry.

When by myself, I lick off all the flavouring of strong tasting crisps, put the now bland & soggy crisps in a pile, & throw away the pile, barely eating 1 crisp. I know it's just salt & seasonings but it's the best & one of my favourite secret pastimes. Yum yum. Lick lick.

My hearing has been getting worse over recent years and my partner has been nagging me for ages about why I'm not getting it sorted out. Little do they know I'm actively encouraging it so I don't have to listen to all the bollocks they talk.

We have one child who still needs help with their seatbelt. I've arranged the child seats so that when I drive my car, his seat is on the passenger side and when the wife drives her car, it's on the drivers side

BF of 6 years asked me to wear a diaper for him as it was a kink of his. Absolutely disgusted beyond belief and I've just moved out of his flat and ghosted him while he's at work.

My husband takes great pride polishing his shoes every night. But he is terrible at it. His vision is failing and his hands shake. The result is awful. Every night, at some point, I get out of bed "to go to the bathroom". I take his shoes with me. I polish them until they shine.

Up until recently I found it impossible to be self-conscious about my dad-dancing. I am a dad, so who cares, right? That's until I was doing it the other day and realised just how similar it looks to that Trump dance from the election campaign. I can never dad-dance again.

An interview with the BBC, done as promo for the upcoming Wolverhampton gig. Rather enjoyed this interview as they asked about the Cow Liberation Front, an almost unknown thing, so delighted to tell that story. Tickets link in profile - do come. https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/p0klnq7z