Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

My wife thinks I am having a wank in the bathroom. Truth is I wash my bum after a poop because I have a really bad pile that hurts to wipe. The moans are of relief from the itchy ring and not the joy of release. If I told the wife the real reason it would be embarrassing.

I've been signing in on the works IPad for 3 years, not with my signature as you should, but with a drawing of a penis or a turd, no-one has even noticed.

When I was in shared housing as a uni student, we sometimes used to flip the sofas over and use quilts to make a den. We'd all get inside and drink and eat takeaways. Best fucking time of my life.

In the 80s and 90s I worked at several cafés. The "house blend" coffee was always made from random coffee beans and grounds that spilled around the coffee grinder or got stuck in the gears the previous day.

It was depressing enough as a 45 year old to have to do an on-camera online exam with an AI proctor to prove I have basic arithmetic skills for a job. Made worse when the 'detected mobile phone use' alert triggered because I lifted my hands near my face to count on my fingers.

Worked out my manager was taking backhanders from suppliers who overcharged. He quit before the investigation got properly underway, and I took over, switching to fairly priced companies. My reward for saving £5-8k a year? Zilch. Nothing. I should've just demanded a cut of his.

This evening I noticed my "total hours played" statistic. Fuck. 3800 hours. Two whole working years. I've spent two years doing nothing but playing video games. And I didn't even get paid for it.

I just put a piece of sticky-back plastic over a balloon and put a pin in it so that our 4 year old son won't hear us disposing of his favourite balloon. This feels like the beginning of the origin story of me being a psychopath.

After seeing Bonnie & Clyde a couple of years ago I started wearing a beret a la Faye Dunaway. Thought I looked cool. Had to look up who Frank Spencer was after my parents kept asking me where Betty was. Beret went to the charity shop.

Fesshole Live is hitting the road! See us in Leicester, Luton and Leeds – tickets out now. Then it’s the Sweden Tour (Malmö, Göteborg, Stockholm) and Anon Opin in Leicester. https://sites.google.com/view/fesshole

Just because you're not in jail doesn't mean you're not guilty. Share your confession here: http://b3ta.com/addfess

An asshole who assigns me tasks but isn't my line manager forced me to draft a report going out in his name. I used a selection of unusual Unicode characters instead of regular punctuation. He failed to read my draft, let alone edit it. He just put his name on it. Magic.

I do the Christmas cards on our house. My wife's still friends with two of her ex boyfriends. I make sure they get the cheapest, crappiest cards and the most perfunctory messages.

My coworker has been unknowingly saving his Harry Potter fan fiction to a document on a shared drive. It's well written & our weekly highlight, as it includes a porn mag called the 'Hogwarts Sex Press', a magical AIDS epidemic, and a very profane Ron Weasley. I'm not reporting it

Early 90s Xmas eve drinking with mate. Ran out of money for booze but enough for a coffee. Found table and bag full of board games under table. Receipt in bag. All went back to HMV for cash refund. Back on the piss up. Sorry but nobody wants board games for Xmas anyway.

My wife said she's impressed at how restrained I'm being with the Christmas chocolates. I've got big tubs of Heroes and Quality Street hidden in the garage.

Emergency service worker. Working all Christmas this year: Xmas Day, Boxing Day, New Year's Eve & New Year's Day. Partner moaning about it, saying I'm caught every year & it's unfair. I actually volunteer. Prefer it to spending Xmas in their grim home town with their dull family

Thanks to them being shitbags and me being frustrated with them, my stepchildren are now convinced that Elf on the Shelf has the propensity to bite them. It hasn't yet, but could any day now. They fear the little plastic monstrosity.

My wife is proud of her Christmas tree. She certainly has some incredible decorations for it and it is beautiful. For a laugh I've hung a tatty old sock on it, alongside the finery. She hasn't clocked it yet, and it's been a week so far.

I can't use bar soap as I'm traumatised from the 1970s. Mum used a 'soap saver' - putting the dog-ends of soap bars into a compressor to make 'new' soap. Only it wasn't, it looked grey and contained a variety of stray pubes. Liquid soap only for me.