Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

Live on a rural lane people started to use as a cut through, driving way too fast, some suspiciously large pot holes appeared and now it's much quieter again. I'm periodically entertained by them claiming their dues from the usual suspects Audi/BMW/Land Rovers who still try it on

My wife wants to use a different Indian takeaway because they "stopped giving us free poppadoms". What actually happened is I started eating the free poppadoms in the car on the way home

My girlfriend wanted to try femdom, so we did. Wearing high heels, she kicked me so hard in the bollocks that they swelled up and I had to go to hospital because of the pain. They found early stage testicular cancer. My girlfriend's bollock kicking fantasy saved my life.

Tried to create the same date with 3 girls I matched with on a dating app. Ranked all 3 dates in my head from best to worst on how much I fancied them and how much fun I thought we'd had. Best one text me saying she wasn't feeling it, worst wouldnt leave me alone. Karma.

Post shower, vigorously towelling myself trying to impress my new girl, a 2" wide skidmark appeared on the towel, which I then tried to cover up by making a turban, trying to snake charm my willy by blowing a toothbrush. She laughed so hard she sharted and we get married in June

I took a sick day off work on a Friday. I wasn't really sick, there was a concert that I had tickets to. At the concert I bumped into my manager, who had also taken a sick day to be at the concert. We vowed to never mention it to anyone and enjoyed the day. Best manager.

Boss decided we'd do secret Santa at the Xmas party, with partners. He'd been having an affair so I got him a box of condoms and a top shagger mug. Wife kicked off big time. Serves the tight cunt right for swapping the cash bonus for vouchers.

Brother passed away recently. Amongst his stuff there was a lockbox. Thinking it was money, in the name of transparency I decided to crack it open on New Years Eve in front of the family. Was full of Viagra. Sorry bro now everyone knows you couldn't get it up, oops.

I am in love with someone who adores Haribo, so I always have a bag of his favourites, and now he is always happy to see me. I fucking pavlov'd him

If you ask me for directions, I am damn well going to give you directions whether I know the way or not.

The huge carabiner hanging off the side of my bag is purely to scratch cars parked on the pavement that I am forced to squeeze by. If it takes paint or dents bodywork, then you haven't left enough space for wheelchairs or prams to get past, and you deserve what you fucking get.

Bought a TV. Wife wanted it on the wall. She didn't trust me so said she'd get her Dad to do it. Got offended & did it anyway. Whilst she was out the TV came off the wall & smashed. Before she got home i bought another 1 from currys & got my mate to put it up. She'll never know

Video games being used to escape reality is no longer possible with constant pop ups of inviting friends or purchasing add ons. I don't have any money or friends and thats what I'm trying to forget.

Stuck a local hunt sab sticker to my father-in-law's car this Christmas, knowing where he'd be spending Boxing Day. Had both wing mirrors knocked off and someone keyed his doors, probably by his own drinking buddies.

After going through a rough patch with my husband, I decided I'd had enough & kicked him out. Convinced myself I don't need a man. Two months later we've reconciled, I told him I missed him, but really it's because I couldn't handle getting rid of all the big spiders by myself

I love getting a drink in a busy cafe and then joining a couple at their table when there's nowhere else to sit. Most couples are welcoming.

Used to work in the kitchen at maccies for 7 years. I put an extra nugget in every box the whole time I was there

Getting dressed after an hour with an escort I realised I was wearing my 'Best Dad Ever' socks. From that point on I've committed fully to my family. But also, as a writer, The Universe is a fucking hack for pulling that clichéd shit on me.

New hobby is when someone posts a picture on social media, I work out the exact location it was taken when there aren't obvious clues. Worried how good I at it. Don't do anything with info other than feel smug, but makes me really careful what I post publicly.

Couldn't find any satsumas in Tesco because I got there too late. The kids got a lemon in their stocking instead. It's all citrus.