Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

One 30th December, my former neighbour's garden shed was broken into and all their fireworks for New Year were stolen. It was me. I stole them & dumped them in some bins on another street. I was pissed off at selfish firework people making my poor Labrador scared in her own home.

I once dated a rich man who would always buy me expensive gifts. But his writing was atrocious. Always full of typos, missing punctuation & misplaced apostrophes. Huge turn-off. Ended it. Dated & married an English teacher who is also an author. Grammar is a girl's best friend.

The summer weather was bad when I was 7. I wrote a complaining letter to Ian McCaskill as I thought he chose the weather instead of predicting it. He was an absolute sweetie and wrote a kind, handwritten letter back to me. That's how I learned what meteorologist is.

I have to travel a lot, working on site. Every time I get put up in a Travelodge I unscrew their corporate "art" from above the bed, turn it upside down, and reattach it to the wall. 17 rooms so far.

I play a game called That Cunt. You pick up your phone, start scrolling your feed in the normal way and see how long you can go before getting hit with a photo of That Cunt. Current record is 13 seconds. And you all know who I'm talking about.

When people said "horses for courses" I used to think that they were saying "horses fuck horses". To be honest, both work perfectly well in context.

I've kept a record of literally everything I've bought since my dad got Lotus Symphony in 1985. Literally every penny I have spent. The lot. It's now in a backed up SQL database. I appreciate this is a little bit weird but future historians will love me.

Work in IT, a department head was rude to my colleague, his entire department now has to change passwords weekly for "security reasons"

I wanted a Bosch workbench and found a really good deal on a German website, even including shipping. Turned out it was actually a plastic toy for kids, thus the amazing price. Had to pretend to my wife that I had bought it for my nephew.

I'm usually the first one to head to bed. I brush all the bed crumbs to his side of the bed before I go to sleep. The crumbs started appearing when we got together, so I don't feel bad about it. Why are men so covered in crumbs?

While talking about her upcoming vacation to Brazil, a co-worker boasted "I even learned Spanish for the trip". I didn't correct her, and nobody else did either. I don't know if it was because they hated her, or because they also didn't know.

I'm not fussed if the people I meet don't like me. But if a new dog doesn't wag its tail and seem happy to talk to me then I will spend the rest of the day trying to work out why and what I could have done differently.

Just played one of my favourite 90s albums; first listen for 25 years at least. It's a pretty upbeat record, but I cried all the way through, thinking about all the hope, possibility and excitement I felt then. I think it's safe to assume the mid-life crisis has finally arrived

I'm 44 and have no idea what is the difference between a verb, proverb and a noun. I could google it but lived this long without knowing so does it really matter?

My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, "Is it because of your hair?" So now I'm crying for two reasons.

IT technician here. If you come to my office to report a problem, I say I'll come and have a look, but just need to grab a couple of cables first so I'll see you there. The cables are mere props. I just don't want to walk with you and have to make awkward smalltalk.

Early 2000s. Found some cash in a little bag in Tesco. Handed it in. 3 weeks later, told a mate. He went in claiming he'd lost a bag with "about 80 quid" in it. They gave it to him no questions so we both went out on the piss with a clear conscience.

My fess is that I carry an old toy race-car in my pocket at all times. Whenever the work day gets to be too much, I secretly take it out for a vroom across my desk. It sounds crazy but it relieves stress and reminds me that the world is a load of bullshit. Everyone should try it.

I hate my neighbour's wind chimes so much that I steal one every time they go on holiday. They keep replacing them. It never ends.

New dad here. Struggling to find time for exercise, so decided to buy a weighted steelplated vest so that i can burn some calories. When outside I now like to roleplay that i'm the baby's bodyguard, looking for snipers and ready to jump in front of a bullet for the little guy.