Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

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New people moved on to our small private road & insist on parking across the communal bit inconveniencing everyone else. Hubby & I now compete to wheel spin into our drive, winner being whoever creates the biggest dust cloud over theirs. Bonus if they've just washed all 4 cars.

Wife thinks I don't like to celebrate my birthday because I'm scared of ageing. It's not that at all, it's because if I celebrate it I'm reminded that I have no friends of my own, they're all her friends and I don't really share a connection with any of them.

In my waking, conscious life I don't find Tony Blair attractive, but 9 out of 10 nights, in my dreams we have the nastiest sex you can imagine, followed by clever banter and him gently holding me in bed. I wake feeling repulsed and disappointed in myself. How do I make this stop?

As a kid, I used to think that humans are walking food factories that could never starve, with bogeys to eat and saliva to drink.

I want to introduce my mum to Ann Droid because I think she'd like it. But I haven't, because one of the main characters is a useless tosspot son, and I'm worried she'll start drawing parallels.

Always packed more pairs of underwear than I need for a holiday "just in case". This year I took enough for just one pair a day. The moment of jeopardy when a fart was brewing was exhilarating, never knowing was this going to be the day. Live life on the edge, it's intoxicating

Met this much older guy who was on a business trip when I was working in a public library. He wined and dined me, took me back to his hotel to shag, then after he came, grabbed his smokes and walked onto the balcony saying "Finish yourself off, darling. Daddy needs a dart."

I like bigger guys and took one home once who insisted on being on top despite his size. He was exerting so much energy he was sweating all over me. Had to call time when it got in my eyes and I couldn't see anymore.

Dads fess: Dad pretended to have cancer for the past 3 months, because my mom just retired and he thought she would make him do loads of DIY.

When walking along a busy pavement, I am constantly worrying about being made to defend my actions in a court of law. Yes, Your Honour, I did move to the right instead of the left in blatant defiance of the person in front of me, but the person behind them had a pram, you see -

It was a few years ago but was taking my dog for a walk through a graveyard in winter and towards the end of the garden it's where the baby's are, seeing a freshly made snowman near a grave made me a grown man cry. I don't even have kids. Can't imagine what the parents felt like

There was a girl at school I was madly in love with. I used to gaze longingly at her facebook profile. I'm in my late 30s now and still do all these years later. Not for her now though - her husband has the best dress sense and I try to copy him to look as cool.

When I see a man wearing a checked shirt with a tie and jacket on the tube, I always tell him how it makes him look like Nigel Farage. Most of them have the good grace to look offended.

My husband recently was given morphine due to an injury, amongst his many ramblings while high he mentioned about the hotel rooms him and Jessica share when at conferences, Jess is his diary manager at work, this was two weeks ago and I've not yet challenged him over it.

An order for a video game was already delayed 4x in 1 week; it finally landed today, but there was a huge slash in the casing. Shop folded like a Primark suit when I kicked off - full refund, no need to return it. The game is fine, but next time I won't use quite as sharp a knife

Boycotted a business that printed 0207 as their phone code. The phone code for London is 020 and I will not stand for any alternative.

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Heavy night last night and got on the train this morning absolutely hanging. Fell asleep but woke up when I heard a loud bubbling fart. It was coming out of my arse obviously and smelt like a Greek toilet; most embarrassing was seeing a fucking schoolboy filming it. Little twat.