Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)

Wrote a "User's Guide to [my name]" on LiveJournal and put "Sex: try offering me a chocolate bar". Amazing woman came up to me at a party with one. I said "Are you seducing me?", she said yes she was following the instructions. Our third kid just turned 18.

I told my children that I'm allergic to spiders so they wouldn't develop my fear of them, they're now 12 and 13 and still think I'm allergic. I'm not.

Sometimes I need a shit on the walk back from the pub. There're some allotments about half way, so I've been shitting on vegetable patches as I thought it'd help the cabbages. Noticed a sign about a phantom shitter as I passed the allotments last night. I was wrong.

Went to my mate's 40th birthday, got absolutely wasted, woke up and remembered I had 3 youngish, needy kids. Made up that I had stomach pain just to not do stuff. Hubby called 111, they sent me to hospital, appendectomy 2 hours later. All because I was hanging.

On a first date, we scheduled going for a walk around the lake. I paid my 7-year old cousin £10 to fall in the pond and I would save him as a bystander. Six years later, we're getting married and the little twat is extorting me out of £10 a week to keep my cover and not come.

When we were kids, my brothers and I wanted to make a time bomb. We had an old clock but no dynamite, so we filled it with marmite.

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I was 8 and my mum said I was a good dancer and I should dance whenever I wanted. The next day we went to the war memorial for Remembrance Sunday and I danced to the Last Post. That was the day I learned that parents don't mean what they say.

Told my husband to sort out his dry, flaky feet that were leaving bits of skin in the bed. He took it to heart and started wearing socks in bed, even during sex. I find this a lot more off-putting than the dry skin.

After a comprehensive dump, I'll reach over to the sink to turn on the hot tap whilst still holding down the flush. Not only does this save valuable seconds, it also makes me feel like an Ibiza superclub DJ at the decks, syncing up two epic deep cuts.

The warmer days are a pain, the nosey neighbour across the road now constantly has her curtains/blinds open and can see directly my house which really impacts how many people from Fab I can meet whilst working from home

Thank you to the Waipa district council for uploading their zoom meeting on YouTube. Been playing that for years so that no one disturbs me when I am 'working' from home.

Nieces looked at my DVD collection. Asked "What's a DVD?". Told them it was like streaming but much better. Showed them Blazing Saddles. Good time for all. Except for aggrieved text from sister later about choice of movie. Can't win them all.

Sometimes I momentarily forget if it's the Twin Towers or The Two Towers that fell on 9/11 and have to say "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" to myself to confirm which is which.

Mother always telling me to not play with the stapler. Didn't listen. Aged 7, Stapled right through my thumb nail. Used knickers to stop bleeding. Hid them for months until I went on Sunday school trip, smuggled out, threw in bin with lunch rubbish. 54 still never told her.

When I'm in the shower, I like to pretend the shower gel bottle is a bottle of sauce in an ice cream van. I hold the bottle up high and make a performance of drizzling the gel on the sponge like it's sauce on an ice cream.

As a senior manager, I banned the team from using notebooks for notes in meetings, as it was time everyone went completely digital. Not sure if it has improved efficiency, but those tedious meetings fly by now. And I am past level 20,000 on Candy Crush.

What with the move towards a cashless society, we rarely have change as the adults in our family home. As our 10 year old continues to lose teeth we have now started raiding her money stash to trade her tooth with the tooth fairy.

I once shared a lift with a famous singer. Told her how much I loved her music. She seemed genuinely pleased. Started reeling off a list of my favourite songs. Got out of the lift and released they were all by another artist. She mentioned it in an interview a few months later.