Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it's because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That's not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Notices by Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social), page 2
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Jun-2024 21:32:50 JST Fesshole 🧻
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Jun-2024 06:39:28 JST Fesshole 🧻
Had an argument on twitter. Moved to DMs. Became just insults and is now just one word replies. The same word each time. Sent thousands of the same message. Neither of us will give in. It's now a competition of who dies last.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Jun-2024 21:26:33 JST Fesshole 🧻
Having an affair with my boss. One of those like you see in films and tv where he takes me to nice hotels and buys me lingerie. Except for when we're having sex he still only wants to talk about work. Even the steamy affair isn't enough to stop him constantly bringing up work.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 18-Jun-2024 00:26:24 JST Fesshole 🧻
Really fancied the new girl in work. She wears band t-shirts & is clearly into rock & metal music. I lied & said i was also into the same type of music. She asked me who my favourite band was. I said Linked-In Park instead of Linkin Park. She laughed at me for a solid 10 mins.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 17-Jun-2024 06:29:02 JST Fesshole 🧻
I'm a hobby lock picker and some friends of mine booked an escape room where we had to find number combinations for padlocks. It was fastest wins so i just picked the locks, about 15 seconds each, now I'm trying to explain myself to my friends without sounding like a thief.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Sunday, 16-Jun-2024 23:41:07 JST Fesshole 🧻
I'm looking forward to this UK General Election more than I've looked forward to Christmas in over 30 years
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 15-Jun-2024 21:31:25 JST Fesshole 🧻
Before every morning piss, I say "you may fire when ready" in Peter Cushing's voice.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 15-Jun-2024 05:35:45 JST Fesshole 🧻
Whenever we receive packages from private sellers via eBay or whatever, I like to sniff the inside of the freshly opened package to see what the other person's house smells like.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 15-Jun-2024 01:34:24 JST Fesshole 🧻
My greatest parenting moment? I know I should say something like "teaching them to ride a bike" but it's showing them Terminator and then T2 spoiler free. They screamed with surprise with the reveal of the "good" Terminator in T2. Honestly one of the best moments of my life.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 13-Jun-2024 20:36:31 JST Fesshole 🧻
I used modelling software at work, the Census, and Kinsey's study of human sexual behaviour to calculate how many hand shandies are being knocked out at any given moment in the UK. 6,848.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 12-Jun-2024 04:52:54 JST Fesshole 🧻
When I was younger doing my GCSEs I really liked this boy from another school. We hung out but before I ate a whole packet of mints , I ended up having diarrhoea and sh*t myself in front of him in the middle of a supermarket . He walked me home and never spoke to me again
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 11-Jun-2024 20:29:06 JST Fesshole 🧻
Over the years, I have collected over 1,500 games on my Steam account so far, most of them bought from discount sales. That's roughly £18,000 worth of games. I will be leaving my Steam account to my son when I die.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 11-Jun-2024 00:59:40 JST Fesshole 🧻
Self employed Fencing Contractor. If I'm working in your garden and you don't offer me a hot drink, I will add £20 to your invoice to cover my takeaway coffee I have to buy
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 10-Jun-2024 22:43:18 JST Fesshole 🧻
My husband saw me struggling to put a battery in my facial hair remover and wanted to know what it was. It was less embarrassing to say it was a sex toy than to own up to my menopausal moustache remover.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 10-Jun-2024 08:47:54 JST Fesshole 🧻
I am terrible at parallel parking, so whenever attempting one I play the docking scene from the movie Interstellar on my phone. The Hans Zimmer soundtrack really makes it feel like an epic achievement, which it is to me, but just not to anyone else.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 10-Jun-2024 00:39:19 JST Fesshole 🧻
My brother and I are very similar. Seeing how horribly he treats those around him has made me so conscious of my own actions and making sure I never come across like he does: perhaps this is the only positive impact he's made on the world.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Saturday, 08-Jun-2024 20:32:14 JST Fesshole 🧻
My girlfriend's orgasm noises always start on a middle c and resolve to the octave above. Remarkably, no-one has ever told them. It's too good a fact and I have no-one to share with
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Thursday, 06-Jun-2024 19:27:27 JST Fesshole 🧻
I am currently having an affair with both my sister in law and my mother in law and it's the perfect scheme as no one will want the others to know. The downside is that they are both crap in bed compared to my wife and I've no idea how to end it with them.
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 05-Jun-2024 21:29:47 JST Fesshole 🧻
Read an article by a proctologist about going to the toilet and one tip was to dab with bog roll rather than wipe. Was sceptical at first, but now I'm completely sold. Much kinder on your ring piece and cleans it just as well. More hygenic too
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Fesshole 🧻 (fesshole@mastodon.social)'s status on Wednesday, 05-Jun-2024 13:55:21 JST Fesshole 🧻
I work on big construction sites and I spent most of my time looking for places to hide, and when I find a good spot, I could easily spend half a day skiving there. I sometimes even bring delicious snacks with me & my bosses are completely oblivious.