Notices by 𝐿𝒶𝓃𝒶 :verifiedtrans: (ladydragonfly@universeodon.com), page 2

@georgetakei pictured: two illegal Jewish immigrants "poisoning the blood of the nation"

American healthcare be like:

ME to DOCTOR: I think I might need medicine.
DOCTOR to ME: You need this medicine.
DOCTOR to PHARMACY: She needs this medicine.
ME to PHARMACY: I need this medicine.
PHARMACY to INSURANCE: She needs this medicine.
INSURANCE: Does she though? Let's ask her doctor.

To the people who put reindeer antlers on their cars:

Nice try, but you can't trick me. I know that's a car.

I

Wrote

A poem

On a page

And each new line grew

By the word sum of the previous two

How upsetting, I thought, as the lines gawped and lengthened like strange horizons

How unexpected, that I should find this enormity so much more constricting than the brevity of a single word or phrase

So I

Stopped.

#poetryisntdead

Other products by the I Can't Believe It's Not Butter people:

- You Thought This Was Yogurt
- Fuck Off It's Mayonnaise
- It's Probably Corn
- Surprise Motherfucker That Wasn't Hummus
- No One Said This Was Ham
- I Hope These Aren't Hornets

I'm settling this debate once and for all. Die Hard is a sandwich not a hotdog.

YOU CAN ONLY PICK ONE:

1. Can communicate with oysters
2. Free gravel for life
3. Can teleport up to 5½ inches away
4. Grow a second nose
5. Can control any toaster with your mind
6. Look 10 hours younger
7. Can instantly see inside any empty container
8. Can speak in flawless haikus at will
9. Can run as fast as Einstein

@georgetakei

"We are in an all-out war against democracy"
- Donald Trump

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

"May you live as long as you want, and not want for as long as you live"
- An Irish toast

"Bread, cinnamon, eggs, and maple syrup"
- A French toast

🎄Lana's 5 Holiday Season Rules For A Safe And Joyous Christmas:🎄

1. ❌DO NOT go into debt trying to show people that you love them.
2. ❌DO NOT go home to see family if it damages your mental health.
3. ✔️DO sing at the top of your lungs to every Christmas carol, no matter where you are or what you're doing.
4. ❌DO NOT document every second of the holiday from behind a lens. Remember to live your memories instead of photographing them.
5. ✔️If anybody comments on your current or future weight, EAT them.

🤶Happy Holidays everybody!🤶

How to buy Christmas presents for the pianist in your life:

If someone gets nasty and insists it's "Merry Christmas" not "Happy Holidays" just tell them that All Holidays Matter and that should calm them right down.

BREAKING: Dr Ronny Jackson reports Henry Kissinger's overall health is excellent

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me
- Kissinger dead and buried

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me
- Santos expelled
- And Henry Kissinger dead and buried

@RickiTarr welp I guess I can't hire you 😕

@RickiTarr can you teach?

@RickiTarr can you play the piano?

FIREFLY FANS: I would genuinely mortgage my house for one more episode of Firefly of any quality good bad or hot steaming garbage fire please I am literally begging you

@inthehands @superball yup well said. It's a "series" in only the loosest possible conception of that term. There is no series canon that hasn't been retconned, ignored, reimagined, and rebooted about a dozen times already. Every single thing you think you know about the show is probably contradicted somewhere, by the show itself.

Number of regenerations? Just one. No, 12. No, a bit more than 12 if you count a few brief ones in between. No, actually literally thousands. No, actually it's just called rebirth and he can't do it more than once.

Name of the doctor? He doesn't have one. No, actually he does but it's a secret. No, it's not a secret, he told a few people. No, actually it's a scientific formula. No, it's just John Foreman.

The TARDIS? Special machine that he built. We mean stole. We mean built and then stole. Actually it's not a machine it's ALIVE and nobody owns it, she just likes being with the doctor.

See what I mean? Literally nothing is sacred. It's glorious.

@superball you should. It'll fuck you up emotionally. 10/10.