Notices by taedryn 🏳️‍⚧️ (taedryn@dice.camp), page 2

@roadriverrail It's real hard sometimes. But yes. I'm mostly good at avoiding it, but occasionally something will sneak through and smack me in the face.

I will not compare myself to other women. I will not compare myself to other women. I will not compare myself to other women. I will not compare myself to other women. I will not compare myself to other women. I will not compare myself to other women.

I was visiting my parents this weekend, and ended up making a salad for lunch one day, so why not? Have a bonus salad post. 😁

This picture is going to be printed in history books as a turning-point for transgender people in the US. The open question is, which direction will the turn be in?

I don't know, and I don't have ideas for what I can do, but we are on the cusp of big, scary changes that will affect everyone, not just trans people, not just minorities.

If you were waiting for a call to action, here it is. They just banned her from the MT House using the rules of decorum. What better metaphor for where we are?

Ah, casual transphobia. My boss just now: "My wife knows two guys who have transitioned, fully. Like, FULLY." He went on to refer to them repeatedly as (implicitly) probably-delusional men who made the weird-ass choice to become women. I didn't have the spoons to engage with him on any of that, but at least it confirms what I suspected of his attitude.

Python/Go dev seeks less casually-gross boss. *sigh*

@roadriverrail @e_er1n I did laser first, getting started on electro soon. Laser is typically *much* more cost effective if you've got dark hair to knock out, even if it's not a ton. Electro typically costs much more per unit area of skin treated, but of course it depends on the exact providers, and insurance coverage.

Laser also hurts less, and a 1 hour session covers my whole front-of-torso and face. But it doesn't touch the white hairs, and I still have a *lot* of those.

If you've ever wanted to see me in raccoon drag playing a #ttrpg, you should tune in tomorrow night at 7 pm PDT the Annex Games: Curiosity Initiative, where we're checking out a new game each month. This month, we're playing Raccoon Sky Pirates by Hectic Electron.

Come join us as we play perfectly normal raccoons piloting our skyship to the suburbs in search of better loot! Donate a few bucks to add chaos to our lives and support the theater!

https://hecticelectron.itch.io/raccoon-sky-pirates

http://www.annextheatre.org/2021-ish-season/annexdd/annex-games-curiosity-initiative/

@roadriverrail It was good. Pretty much the usual mix: red leaf lettuce, spinach, cucumber, bell pepper, radish, tomato, avocado, drunken goat cheese. Not pictured, a fair amount of black pepper, nutritional yeast, and some very tangy asiago caesar dressing.

On this day when dysphoria has been kicking my ass, I decided to put on my purplest pants and make a salad. It makes as much sense as anything else.

Sexy times with home ownership: that drain is awfully sluggish. <Pulls out several cups of yecch from drain line> Ah, better. But also, ew. No picture, because no one needs to see that. But the sink drains so nicely now. ???

You know what time it is? It's salad time! Punctuated this time by a pause to sharpen my main chefs knife. Lovely little shh-shh-shh sounds, and the resulting edge bit into the tomato with almost no pressure. Love it. Knife not pictured.

@roadriverrail It wasn't meant unkindly, and was really just a statement of reality. I do have a long way to go, lots of hurdles to overcome. But I'm working on them, and that's the best I can do for now.

Nothing like a conversation with some trans friends that basically ends with, "Wow, you've got a long way to go, don't you." Yeah, I do. It was meant in the spirit of friendship, but still pretty depressing to hear.

@roadriverrail That's true, I had forgotten that moment. I certainly see myself as femme more of the time these days, though my face still looks masc/unchanged if it's the main thing I'm looking at.

@roadriverrail That seems plausible, for sure. I did try to consciously exert some will to not start the spiral, which helped stop it going further, but when it dissipated in F21, that was completely outside my conscious control. It just happened over the course of maybe 30 seconds.

@roadriverrail I'm not sure what changed. I don't know quite how I rescued the trip after Aerie broke me, because I could feel the spiral starting, and I can't usually stop it at that point. And I don't know what changed in F21, because it completely broke the spiral instead of just stopping it. I'll take it, but I wish I understood it better.

It may be that this was a "new experience" plus "feeling emotional" thing, and that once I could see how it wasn't actually new, that helped.

@roadriverrail By which I mean that going shopping in a mall while trans was new to me, and I had set myself up to think I'd be doing it with friends, so doing it solo felt fragile. It didn't need to, but that's how it felt in the moment. Feeling emotional had several things feeding it, including coming off my period, and the hastily reconfigured expectation of having supportive folks with me.

@roadriverrail Yeah, I don't literally mean my desire to bottle it, but more of what you describe here.

I wish I could figure out what changed so I could recognize the triggers and increase my chances of either having the good thing happen, or avoiding the bad thing continuing. That's kind of my ongoing practice right now, to find positive and negative triggers so I can seek/avoid them as appropriate.

@roadriverrail There was a moment when I switched from feeling like a pretender to feeling like I was just a person shopping in a store. That was nice. I wish I could figure out what changed, so I could bottle it and pull it out when needed.

I was planning to go shopping at the mall with some friends tonight, but they had to cancel at the last minute, so I took myself.

Torrid was a bust, and Aerie nearly broke me. I was most of the way to the car and the tears of dysphoria were nearly falling, but somehow I rallied and actually found a few things at Forever 21 (feeling quite old). No shoes though, which was one of my main goals.

I definitely pushed outside my comfort zone. Minor victories, I guess.