taedryn 🏳️⚧️
I was planning to go shopping at the mall with some friends tonight, but they had to cancel at the last minute, so I took myself.
Torrid was a bust, and Aerie nearly broke me. I was most of the way to the car and the tears of dysphoria were nearly falling, but somehow I rallied and actually found a few things at Forever 21 (feeling quite old). No shoes though, which was one of my main goals.
I definitely pushed outside my comfort zone. Minor victories, I guess.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn Strangely, I always have luck at Forever 21, and since the store commands me to do so, I stop feeling old when I enter it.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn If there is one thing years of tea ceremony study has impressed on me, it is that I cannot "figure out" or "bottle" those moments any more than I can catch water in a net. But I can learn to observe them as fully as I can, and to trust that time and practice make those moments sink into my bones more and more.
When I was having trouble with my voice, you reminded me it's transition, not transformation. For those who wait only for the flowers, show them grass peeking through the snow.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail There was a moment when I switched from feeling like a pretender to feeling like I was just a person shopping in a store. That was nice. I wish I could figure out what changed, so I could bottle it and pull it out when needed.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn Definitely spotting triggers is a good one. Beyond that, though, it sounds like the benefits of repetition paid off for you, at least from what you've written here.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail Yeah, I don't literally mean my desire to bottle it, but more of what you describe here.
I wish I could figure out what changed so I could recognize the triggers and increase my chances of either having the good thing happen, or avoiding the bad thing continuing. That's kind of my ongoing practice right now, to find positive and negative triggers so I can seek/avoid them as appropriate.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn Of course going solo felt fragile. You were likely about to engage in behavior that had previously felt "forbidden". Without others around to help you feel safe and in community, that's a pretty natural feeling. And you list a bunch of mitigating factors, too, that are going to pile on to that.
But I think I'm saying it may have not been "something you did" that rescued the trip but rather that you experienced self-acceptance and self-assurance by reflex.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail By which I mean that going shopping in a mall while trans was new to me, and I had set myself up to think I'd be doing it with friends, so doing it solo felt fragile. It didn't need to, but that's how it felt in the moment. Feeling emotional had several things feeding it, including coming off my period, and the hastily reconfigured expectation of having supportive folks with me.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail I'm not sure what changed. I don't know quite how I rescued the trip after Aerie broke me, because I could feel the spiral starting, and I can't usually stop it at that point. And I don't know what changed in F21, because it completely broke the spiral instead of just stopping it. I'll take it, but I wish I understood it better.
It may be that this was a "new experience" plus "feeling emotional" thing, and that once I could see how it wasn't actually new, that helped.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn I'm just thinking about how the other day you were surprised that you saw yourself as "a woman with a less common body" all of a sudden. I'm hearing a thread. I might be wrong.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail That seems plausible, for sure. I did try to consciously exert some will to not start the spiral, which helped stop it going further, but when it dissipated in F21, that was completely outside my conscious control. It just happened over the course of maybe 30 seconds.
Kit Rhett Aultman
@taedryn Indeed. I also know for me that there's a process to how my emotions about many things have changed over the 3.5 years of transition I've been on. Reflex actions to certain things changing, holistically seeing myself as a different person, etc. In my journey, an experience like you've described today would be a signpost on how things are moving below the surface.
taedryn 🏳️⚧️
@roadriverrail That's true, I had forgotten that moment. I certainly see myself as femme more of the time these days, though my face still looks masc/unchanged if it's the main thing I'm looking at.
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