Notices by Charles ☭ H (celesteh@lgbt.io), page 4

This should not be available OTC.

Of course, I want to believe that his problems largely stem from weird supplement intake, but its the other way around.

I have emotions.

He has emotions which are sometimes a rational assessment of his situation. He suggested today he should move into care. I told him I would go look at a few places and he agreed that was a good idea. He may even remember agreeing.

YouTube does not cause dementia. It just exploits the vulnerability resulting from it.

Well actually, given that YouTube's covid disinformation convinced him that he needed to fast for like 6 weeks, maybe I shouldn't let the platform off the hook.

I can't tell if he was fine before his heart attack or this has been a thing for a while that everybody was in denial about? Maybe he also had a stroke? He was already vulnerable due to isolation, not just anti-covid measures but also he moved from Washington to Texas last year and all his social contacts were lost. He wanted to get away from mask mandates, he said, which had seemed like it must have meant to refer more broadly to lack of access to activities and socialisation. Maybe he was just radicalised by YouTube.

Anyway, I realised that my responsibility is to make sure he is comfortable and as happy as possible. I want him to have as much autonomy as he wants, but it should be in supportive structures and in a way that causes happiness. So he can decide what he wants for dinner, what to wear, if he wants to go out - things that are immediate, non-harmful, and quotidian expressions of self. But stuff thats stressful, too difficult to understand, or high stakes and informed by falsehood can be navigated around. So the disinformation that has obviously harmed him previously need not continue to hurt or limit him.

He is unable to use his laptop. He doesn't always need to be consulted or kept fully informed. He can be freed of some burdens, so of course we should.

My brother feels guilty about "lying." In the Torah, god lies to Abraham for the sake of family harmony and love. To the extent my dad asks questions, the answers can be light on detail or even misleading for the sake of his well-being.

This feels very very wrong, but its not the half truths that are the problem. We need to meet him where he is and give him as much happiness as possible.

Dad asked me today if I would look at care homes for him.

I asked him, hypothetically, if I should rule out places that require covid boosters. He doubted this would be an issue in Texas (he's wrong there) and then said to rule them out because he "doesn't want to die of a heart attack."

I probably shouldn't have asked at all because now I feel weird and guilty.

So what are good questions to ask when looking at assisted living? What are red flags? How do I pick?

#CareHome #CareHomes #AssistedLiving #ElderCare

I don't think its actually practical to lie to Dad about boosters and he would almost certainly react very poorly if he discovered deception or to prevent someone from administering a jab.

Because Dr YouTube told him the vaccine was a serious risk to his health, but covid isn't.

And we could ask his cardiologist to speak with him about it, but as his last cardiologist was "trying to kill him" I think this would also go badly.

I am so upset. I can't actually shield him from the consequence of monotised lies.

And because he perceives vaccination as deadly, he would violently defend himself.

This is so frustrating. And, I mean, intelligence isn't the only thing in the world, but he used to be so smart and able to spot health disinformation in particular.

I keep thinking of a memory from when I was 12 or maybe as old as 14 and I was sat behind him in an auditorium. I saw he had grey hairs - it was the first time i noticed them. And I had the knowledge for the first time that he was aging and wasn't immortal.

I called my friend who used to be an activities director in a care home and asked for advice on picking one.

Thing to look for:

* Cleanliness - are the nurses clean, are the clients clean, is the environment clean?

* Safety - Check if any of the doors are being left open. What's their door protocol? Do they actually follow it?

* Food - Is it good? Will they bring it up to him if he won't or can't come down? Do they charge extra for that?

* Socialisation - Are people out in the common spaces? How are their interactions with each other and the staff? Do they have music? Do they have activities?

* Memory care - Ask to see it. The door protocol and cleanliness questions are even more important.

OK, the ozone place turns out not to be on the 'no' list and I'm about to go tour it. https://lgbt.io/@celesteh/110217678283605514

I broke the thread with that post because I thought certainly it would be ruled out, but they apparently have good food and don't require covid boosters. Indeed, I've been cautioned *not* to use that as an example dodgy medical disinformation.

I have concerns.

My dad just died.

23 August 1939 - 19 June 2023

30 Sivan 5783

This isn't even the first time he's fucked up his calcium by taking supplements.

If this were a British hospital, somebody would have offered me tea by now.

Emergency doctor: This isn't actually a danger range unless his levels go over 14.

Brother: He's at 13.5

Doctor: We usually would not do a hospital admission unless there was some mentation.

Me: Can you please define that?

Doctor: [Gestures towards his own head and says something vague]

Me: Yeah, that's happened.

Nurse practitioner: You have signs of malnutrition. Have you been eating?

Dad: Yes.

NP: OK, but be sure to eat protein, OK?

Dad, making eye contact with me: My son put me in a place that he swore has really good food…

NP, after long pause: Oh?

Dad, without having broken eye contact: It doesn't.

I've been politely not mentioning anything about Texas to my family who chose to move there during the pandemic. Except for on the last day, I mentioned that about 30% of lyft drivers had made homophobic small talk and that I'd found one of the rides to be actually alarming. My SIL told me not to talk to drivers, ha ha, and then gave me a ride to the airport.

When I last looked, one of the bodies in the state's bicameral legislature had passed a measure outlawing all trans related medical care and the governor had pledged to sign it. I don't know if it had passed the other body or if Democrats had successfully blocked it. Whether or not it's passed/ing, it's already achieved some targets: my fear around this is an intended result.

US healthcare has changed a lot since I left due to the ACA, but it was true recently (and perhaps still is) that there was no duty of care. I can turn up to a GP's office with money and something they know how to treat and they can refuse to do it. This has happened to me in the past. In "liberal" places in the US. I've also had US doctors refuse to engage with foreign medical paperwork. (I went on tour once with an outstanding issue. Honestly, it was easier to get help for it in Russia than in the US.) Even if the bill doesn't pass, it emboldens bigots and increases hesitation from allies, another intended result.

This is germane because the surgery I'm scheduled to get has a 10% infection rate, which is high and jetlag is hardly a boost for the immune system. Again, I don't live in Texas so maybe I'm overly worried, but, as intended, I have a real fear that the medical system there would be slow or impossible to navigate and that I could actually die or face serious injury from something that stared as easy and treatable.

And, like, this wouldn't even have political value. The most I could hope for would be a passing mention in a fundraising letter.

I guess I could fly to California to see a doctor and see about travel insurance that covers medical evacuation for pre-existing conditions.

Or, if dad dies shortly after my surgery, just not go to his funeral.

Reports I've received on how things are going:

Dad at his worst can't eat without serious help, can't open a bottle, gets lost in his room, does weird things.

Dad on bad days can eat finger food and is suggestible and will go and engage with others if encouraged.

Dad when he's most lucid refuses all food and interaction and sits alone in his room in the dark. Is it depression? Is it a suicide attempt? Is it because of the YouTube channels that told him that fasting cures dementia?

Obviously, his most lucid periods don't last for long. He asked for a morphine drip, but says he's not in physical pain.

. . .

I feel really very angry at him and also really struggle to think about anything else.

Even on his best days, he still has dementia and probably had a stroke, so, like, this is just how his brain (doesn't) work now. It just is. I might as well as be angry at the chair that he sits in while brooding. And yet here we are. Him in Texas, me in England, both failing to engage with the environments that surround us.

Dad's heart checkup sent him to the emergency room because he had a rapid heart rate. My brother checked him out against medical advice.

. . . .

I've gotten none of my marking done. I'm just, like, listening to bandcamp. It's all I've done for weeks.

Dad's dementia phone is configured with a whitelist to prevent people from scamming him, but this feature doesn't work with foreign numbers.

Because it's an American phone, you see, and foreigners are not a use case worth testing because we all have cooties.

Well, the phone does work in that he can call me and seems to be able to use it on his less good days, like when he has forgotten that time zones exist.

I just, he's so fragile. I don't want to refuse a call and then he dies the next day or something.