Notices by Andy C (andyc@mastodon.org.uk)

@tpheine @Paul @dick_turpin 'ring' = 'anus'

@dick_turpin @tpheine @Paul 'while you wait' :-)

One of the [American] tourists simply couldn't grasp that Istanbul spanned two continents.

'So what country are we in now - Istanbul ?'

'Was this river (Bosphorus) man-made then to separate the two countries ?'

Sounds like comedy gold.

Woken by a fucking dawn raid by the Met police at my house this morning at 05:00am.

Been charged with possession. And intent to supply.

Of blue slug pellets. Apparently, they received an anonymous tip-off but the call was short and line was very muffled.

If I plead guilty, I might get away with 6 months community service helping Michaela Strachan and Bill Oddie on SpringWatch.

@dick_turpin Indeed. I'm a crap liar. God help me if I ever found anyone to have an affair with.

Come to think of it, maybe I could go clubbing tonight instead of monitoring slug activity !

@dick_turpin Saying nothing was my initial strategy

'It's been constantly grey and raining so no need to water'.

'Oh no. In the cold frames, they won't get any rain. You need to check. What else are you doing ?'.

'I'm very busy living on takeaways, watching the CL quarter finals on the big TV, playing The Chameleons very loud and drinking like a fish'.

Long, deep sigh but you're right, I could have omitted the 'slug trail' update and simply licked it all up the day before her return.

Onerous responsibility of watering the wife's assorted seedlings in three cold frames.

Made the fatal mistake of telling her I saw ''slug trails'.

Forget the brutal assault of an innocent tourist en-route to Cappadocia.

'OH NO ! LISTEN. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. GET THE BLUE SLUG PELLETS OUT OF THE GARAGE (TOP-RIGHT SHELF). SPRINKLE LIGHTLY.. GO OUT EVERY NIGHT WITH A TORCH AND REPORT BACK. MONITOR DAILY'.

@luke @silkevicious I read reports (BBC) of Roma fans lobbing missiles into the away end and two stabbings. Hope you were oblivious to all that.

@luke @silkevicious 'a small flesh wound' - sounds like MP and The Holy Grail ! Glad you're OK.