@Rasp I’ve had some of the worst depressive episodes of my life this year. What I told my therapist is that “I don't want to kill myself, but I understand why someone would want to". The hopelessness is paralyzing.
But despite all of that (and I'm not trying to brag or gloat) I still have so much good going on and so much to look forward to plus spite for the forces that are trying to drag me down by persevering.
I hope that you are able to find that too.