Notices by Lesbian Death Bed (bitterkarella@sfba.social), page 5

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Rowling: i don't need you lot anymore
Rowling: from now on, i'm going to be sspending my time with my intellectual equalss
Rowling: fellow sssinai recipients like famous rapist conor McGregor, famous nazi Christopher rufo, the zodiac killer, and Anonymous UPenn student

1
[at unicorn fuck club]
JRR Tolkien: tonight we've got a special story from everyone's favorite fantasy writer
GRR Martin:
CS Lewis:
Peter S Beagle:
Hans Christian Andersen:
L Frank Baum:
Tolkien: whoops shouldn't have said that ha ha
Tolkien: i mean, you're all winners in my book

2
Elon Musk: si! issa no good!
Musk: issa too mucha trans genocide
Musk: you shoulda only post the right amount offa da trans geocide
Musk: lookita me, i lika da trans genocide
Musk: but i also like many other genocides
Rowling: oh MY GOD
Rowling: my empire is crumbling!

1
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I was just thinking about how transs people should be eliminated from ssociety
Jonathan Chait: whoa whoa whoa! joanne!
Chait: you can't say it like THAT
Chait: so uncouth
Chait: you have to say it with your pinky finger extended

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Rowling: i'm very concerned about the prosspect of irreverssible damage if former child actorss are allowed to have opinionss, so i'm lobbying the government with my billionss of dollarss to make that illegal
Rowling: for their own good, of courssse

2
Rowling: don't they undersstand that I own them? body and ssoul?
Rowling: they are ssstill in my thrall! i never gave them clothessss!
Rowling: i'm pretty sssure that child actorsss work the sssame way as houssse elvess

1
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear? daniel radcliffe and emma watson sssupport transs rightsss?
Rowling: i will NEVER forgive thisss betrayal
Rowling: from hellssss heart i ssstab at thee!!!

4
Rowling: sso daniel, emma we meet again
Rowling: you might think you are allowed to have independent thoughtsss but you forget
Rowling: your contract sspecifiess that i own you BOTH, body & ssoul, FOREVER
Radcliffe: i don't think it says that
Watson: yeah that doesn't sound right

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Rowling: i mean, if they apologized i would not accept it
Rowling: in fact, let me show you how it would play out
Rowling: pretend that daniel radcliffe isss sssitting in this empty chair and i'll show you what i'd sssay to him

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Rowling: what the hell??? thisss contract says NOTHING about perpetual ownership of harry potter actorss!
Rowling: how isss thisss possssible???
Rowling: get my lawyer on the phone, they are ssso fired

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Rowling: oh you don't do you?? well then just take a look at
Rowling: uhhh
Rowling: [rifling through papers]
Rowling: i know that claussse is in here sssomewhere

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JK Rowling: ssoundss like ssomething a male predator would sssay
Emma Watson: trans rights are human rights
Rowling: sounds like ssomething that a confused female would ssay

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Rowling: ugh this contract is worthless!! i don't even get perpetual ownership of miriam margolyes!
Rowling: you've won thisss round, children
Rowling: BUT
Rowling: i will fight you on the internet
Rowling: it will be a cold day in hell before JK Rowling logsss off

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Rowling: foolish child, we've just commissioned a sstudy that says child actorss brainss don't mature until 21 sso you're not allowed to have opinionss
Radcliffe: i'm 34
Rowling: [hastily amending study] did i say 21, i meant 34

Please clap, I'm a Hugo finalist! https://glasgow2024.org/hugo-awards/2024-hugo-award-finalists/

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Rowling: you know how it iss with terf deatheaterss
Poe: not really
Rowling: alwayss agreeing with everything i ssay
Rowling: all "oh yes dark lord" this and "oh spare me dark lord" that
Rowling: ssometimess you jusst get tired of hearing "masterful gambit dark lord"

1
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: oh joanne
Poe: you're back
Rowling: i have concernss
Poe: uh we're mostly about just telling stories here
Poe: you have your own campfire for your terf stuff don't you?
Rowling: yess but they've really been getting on my nervess lately

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Poe: regardless, joanne, i'm going to have to put my foot down
Poe: this campfire is just for stories
Rowling: uhhh actually i do have a new ssstory
Rowling: i wass insspired to write after having an argument on the internet
Barker: oh damn no shit?
Barker: that's wild

3
Rowling: i tell you, you don't know how hard it is to run a cult
L Ron Hubbard: oh yeah woof big mood
Hubbard: people think its all fun, but its actually a lot of work
Rowling: I know right????

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Rowling: i call it
Rowling: the time turner diariesss
Barker: wow this is not really funny anymore
Baker: its like INTENSELY not funny
Lovecraft: catchy title tho!