Notices by Michele Feltman Strider (michelestrider@mastodon.social)

@fesshole Throw in a kazoo for good measure

Signs my cat is MAGA:

1. Is well-fed with dry food, wet food, and treats; resents the other cat eating anything.

2. Lives a cushy indoor life; is constantly and angrily obsessed with the stray cats outside.

3. Her rules are sacrosanct; my rules are fascist oppression, oh, poor baby.

4. Smells like canned tuna.

@fesshole Godspeed, brave warrior. This is the way.

Halloween candy is too expensive. Do kids still eat Tide Pods?

Got bored, then remembered the library exists

Flying around an orchard turns out to be great for your mental health. Touch grass. Pollinate flowers. Spread your wings and fly. Even working nights agrees with your new rhythms. And the weekly pumpkin concerts are a delight.

The more time you spend with the apple vampires, the more you realize that your old life was the real soul-sucker. "Lovin' the coven" is your new stock answer to "How are you?".

Your life is now bright and shiny and sweet. And all it takes is an apple a day.

The End

@fesshole Your neighbor sounds like an HOA president in need of an HOA

@fesshole She's gonna drag you to IKEA and make you try to pronounce bookshelf names in revenge

@fesshole As a potential patient, I like it when my medical professionals still have the will to live.

Dear Evolution:

What if, instead of spending multiple hours a week looking for eyeglasses, humans just had eyes that worked over the age of 40?

Best,
Squinty McGee

The cats know the word tuna.

So we took to spelling it out around them.

Now the cats know how to spell tuna.

There is no winning. Only cats.

@AinsleyLowbeer I reclaimed the term for the people

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M72UTOG

I cannot tell you how much I resent having to know and use the word "groyper." I feel entitled to compensation or something

@fesshole I call mine Mjolnir

How long until he blames the naked lady card on Obama?

@RamenCatholic I wish I could give you superman powers

@RamenCatholic Wonderful! We can work out a bulk discount

Everybody claim your post-apocalypse persona. I'm going with Swamp Witch who sells carved turnip dolls for hex purposes

Big Balls gets thumped for sexually harassing an underage girl: Flood the streets with armed troops!

School children gunned down while at church: Thoughts and prayers

No, I don't want to read a transcript of your podcast.

I want to read a four-to-six paragraph article written by a journalist and edited by an editor.