Notices by Michele Feltman Strider (michelestrider@mastodon.social)

Flying around an orchard turns out to be great for your mental health. Touch grass. Pollinate flowers. Spread your wings and fly. Even working nights agrees with your new rhythms. And the weekly pumpkin concerts are a delight.

The more time you spend with the apple vampires, the more you realize that your old life was the real soul-sucker. "Lovin' the coven" is your new stock answer to "How are you?".

Your life is now bright and shiny and sweet. And all it takes is an apple a day.

The End

@fesshole Your neighbor sounds like an HOA president in need of an HOA

@fesshole She's gonna drag you to IKEA and make you try to pronounce bookshelf names in revenge

@fesshole As a potential patient, I like it when my medical professionals still have the will to live.

Dear Evolution:

What if, instead of spending multiple hours a week looking for eyeglasses, humans just had eyes that worked over the age of 40?

Best,
Squinty McGee

The cats know the word tuna.

So we took to spelling it out around them.

Now the cats know how to spell tuna.

There is no winning. Only cats.

@AinsleyLowbeer I reclaimed the term for the people

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00M72UTOG

I cannot tell you how much I resent having to know and use the word "groyper." I feel entitled to compensation or something

@fesshole I call mine Mjolnir

How long until he blames the naked lady card on Obama?

@RamenCatholic I wish I could give you superman powers

@RamenCatholic Wonderful! We can work out a bulk discount

Everybody claim your post-apocalypse persona. I'm going with Swamp Witch who sells carved turnip dolls for hex purposes

Big Balls gets thumped for sexually harassing an underage girl: Flood the streets with armed troops!

School children gunned down while at church: Thoughts and prayers

No, I don't want to read a transcript of your podcast.

I want to read a four-to-six paragraph article written by a journalist and edited by an editor.

@RamenCatholic Please refer to me as Sister Mary Goround, Master of Nun

@RamenCatholic My demons have found their forever home

@fesshole stop being so dang adorable

@fesshole So, you're the same age as Marlon Brando in The Godfather

So, the Federal Government wants to storm the streets of DC because Big Balls got jumped by a girl so young Jeffrey Epstein would have dated her?