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1. Embed this notice
   Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 04:52:31 JST Adrianna Tan

   As a queer person, I sometimes think about cis straight people I know back home (Singapore) who truly think I had no reason to leave home. Even though my country doesn't recognize my marriage, even though there are no immigration benefits that accrue to my foreign same sex spouse, even though there are no anti-discrimination laws that exist to protect me, they think, I can still have a pretty good life as an out queer person. I can have money, and no one is actively wanting to beat me up or hurt me.

   That's the problem.

   The problem isn't the bigots (because at least I know what to expect), it's the people who think they are not bigots, who believe that I should be thankful and grateful because 'at least nobody is going to beat me up'.

   Nobody will beat me up because I have middle class Chinese and cis privilege in that society. It's not the same for other people. It's not because I am accepted or tolerated. Also, that is a tremendously low bar. I expect more of my life. I expect to thrive, not just be grateful to survive.

   #TootSea #Singapore #LGBTQ

   • Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 04:54:40 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     Would you accept living somewhere where you opposite gender spouse was not able to live in the same place as you? There are trans-national hetero spouses in some places who also face this type of discrimination (mostly a class thing). There are some countries that don't allow your foreign spouse to receive any permanent status if you don't make enough money.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 04:58:59 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     In Singapore, my wife had to agree to seek permission from the government if she ever wanted to marry a Singaporean man. This was because she was on a work visa that was for people 'without college degrees'.

     Foreigners who work in physical labor (helpers and construction workers) are not even allowed to marry Singapore citizens.

     Now that she has a college degree, we could go back, and she wouldn't have such a restrictive thing, because she would be in a 'white collar job', except.. oh yeah, she wouldn't be able to marry me, because we don't perform or recognize same sex marriage.

     We would be effectively two single strangers there. Our ability to exist together would depend on them having a job. She would probably never receive permanent residency status because.. she wouldn't be married to a straight person and having babies. It's not a good deal, for any amount of money in the world.

     Some people haven't thought through their privileges because everything has been handed to them on a platter. I know that if I was a cis hetero Chinese Singaporean woman, I would probably think the same of me.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 05:02:39 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I know what I gave up. I think about it all the time.

     I gave up a life of nice professional jobs, nobody ever questioning my competence, my pick of any high level corporate / tech job I want there and in Australia / APAC, quarterly holidays and vacations to Japan or Europe, home ownership in my early 30s, a very comfortable life in which I was physically provided for. Dimsum with my parents every week at a nice restaurant.

     But you know what? I was also an alcoholic when I lived there. Like everyone who lives there who is different in any way. I know that if I stayed, I would be having a mid life crisis, unhappy ('how come I have everything, but I can't be happy? I just want a wife!')

     I don't drink anymore. I haven't learned I am a minority person in this society I lived in, but nobody says stupid shit to me about my relationship and my sexual orientation anymore.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 05:11:37 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     My wife has a theory that sometimes I am completely unaware of how I present in the American work environment, so when people are expecting a submissive and agreeable Asian woman, they get.. me, instead. Basically, I conduct myself like a white woman.

     I was joking about this with a direct report at my last job, and she (a white woman) said, actually, you conduct yourself like a white man. It's probably confusing to some people, especially here in Monterey.

     I used to be so confused by this. 'Why aren't people just believing what I say? It's a fact!' And people have to remind me of how I present in this place. 'Nobody ever doubted me back home'

     That, more than money, more than luxury, is something I don't know I will ever understand innately.

     Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 05:13:07 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I was thinking about this as I read an American queer couple talk about moving to a more conservative country that doesn't recognize same sex marriage but isn't overtly homophobic. They were saying this to 'escape' whatever is happening in the US now.

     In their questions about it, it was clear they hadn't though about what they would be giving up. Wanting a physically safe environment (with little physical violence) is great, and I urge anyone who has an out to go for that if they need to.

     But it was clear they hadn't thought through the specifics of moving to a place that doesn't recognize your marriage. They thought that other state would still give them immigration privileges, and acknowledge the second mother as a parent.

     Not a chance.

     Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 05:16:17 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     Ever since I was 10 years old, I've researched immigration policies for queer people in every country in the world.

     So sometimes it's a little difficult reading straight or other privileged people's assumptions about it. You think you can just move to another country? Good luck. Even if you are American.

   • Embed this notice
     Imran Nazar (two9a@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 07:03:07 JST Imran Nazar

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte You were probably already thinking of the UK when mentioning countries that don't allow a spouse in if you don't make enough, but it's worth noting that if your spouse already makes more than that working in their country, it doesn't count: _your_ income as the sponsor has to be over the threshold.

     And that threshold goes up whenever the media think the government isn't being right-wing enough. iirc it's £35k/yr gross at the present moment, around double the salary of a teaching assistant or mid-level nurse.

   • Embed this notice
     john fink ok!! :goat: (adr@mastodon.social)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 07:30:07 JST john fink ok!! :goat:

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte haven't lived there since 1991 but I remember there was a specific government dating agency limited to citizen college grads, the SDU, which I found weird and creepy. I loved Singapore in a lot of ways but...yeah. This tracks.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 07:30:07 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • john fink ok!! :goat:

     @adr yep. They had to merge the non college and college govt dating agency a decade ago coz it became ‘any babies will do’

     When I was born, the ‘only college grads should have more than two babies’ eugenics program was going strong

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 07:33:22 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • lifewithtrees

     @lifewithtrees is that with regards to Alberta being more socially conservative?

   • Embed this notice
     lifewithtrees (lifewithtrees@mstdn.social)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 07:33:23 JST lifewithtrees

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte yes. I’ve had my family say this same thing to me after I moved from on province of Canada (Alberta) to another (first BC then Nova Scotia).

     They don’t see the daily stressors.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 10:08:24 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • David Njoku

     @davidnjoku it would probably be an immigration offense to get married abroad without asking for permission. They would have to fill out this form

   • Embed this notice
     David Njoku (davidnjoku@mastodon.world)'s status on Monday, 08-Dec-2025 10:08:26 JST David Njoku

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte So what would happen if a (straight) Singaporean fell in love with an immigrant that doesn't have a college degree? They won't be allowed to get married? Could they nip over to Malaysia and get married there?

   • Embed this notice
     aeberbach (aeberbach@mastodon.online)'s status on Tuesday, 09-Dec-2025 02:03:57 JST aeberbach

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte as a very boring person with no reason to worry about repression for any particular reason I hated being in Singapore just because the place was one big mall full of Rolex/Chanel/Versace/etc. shops … I couldn’t work out how ordinary people lived there at all. Great cheap food at the MTA of course but anything else? Know locals or get ripped off.

     I’d say all you need in sg is a few 10s of millions, nothing else matters.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Tuesday, 09-Dec-2025 02:03:57 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • aeberbach

     @aeberbach there’s a more interesting side to it that takes a while to find, but even that’s not easy anymore