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   Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:17:36 JST Adrianna Tan

   Today I did two things that are really hard for me.

   1. I got a hair cut: I am autistic and I have gender dysphoria and I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be perceived. In a mirror. I found a gender-affirming hair stylist in a super queer salon that literally had trans flags everywhere (I hate women’s hair salons as a site of performative cis femininity), and I felt better about it. The stylist was also used to ND people who can’t describe their physical desires or interests or what they want to look like and she made me feel safe. I was happy with what I got

   2. I got new clothes: same as above. I hate shopping, passionately, but was wanting a change for various reasons. I decided to approach it with the mindset of ‘here’s a thing I don’t know how to do / have never enjoyed, can I try it out like something new I’ve never done?’ I went to a thrift that was more spacious than usual, that I know has better quality materials. I asked my wife to help. We found a few things I liked, that worked for me.

   I was telling my hairstylist that I resent these things so much, I’d rather go to the dentist than cut my hair or shop.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:20:48 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I asked a friend at work to teach me about makeup.

     I always associated makeup with tools of cis femme oppression (for me) but my friend is also autistic and nonbinary and she told me she performs femininity as drag, through extreme makeup. I liked the idea of that, and of learning something I don’t know how to do.

     I don’t have a compelling reason for doing all of this but I’m tired of letting my utter and debilitating fear of very basic things—hair cuts, clothes and makeup—continue to scare me

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:23:53 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I told my therapist that I spent most of my life in Singapore in a hyper competitive girls school where you were supposed to be super rich and hot and super put together in a very femme cis Chinese Singaporean woman way (skinny and elegant) and I always felt like I was missing a manual. It also didn’t help that I felt like I was mocked for being different (body type and lack of interest in looking like I was ready to marry some rich dude’s heir), so I always rejected the performance of that type of gender.

     Now I realize there are other ways to gender, and it’s been freeing. But it doesn’t undo the trauma

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:24:18 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • SeaFury 🦜🍉

     @SeaFury hehe thank you!

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     SeaFury 🦜🍉 (seafury@aus.social)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:24:19 JST SeaFury 🦜🍉

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte You did it though :bunneawwheart: and both things worked out today :blobcatgift:

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     Alexandra Magin 🏳️‍🌈 (recursive@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:28:02 JST Alexandra Magin 🏳️‍🌈

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte these three things scared me for a long time (and still do somewhat)

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 12:41:48 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     Makeup and clothes also have a weird and unpleasant racial aspect for me. In Singapore, I was in a career once where people often wanted to put me on tv / magazines (long story). So when people handled my clothes and makeup I hated the experience but didn’t protest too much. They always put me in super femme clothes, and makeup was.. let’s just say the platonic ideal of makeup in Singapore media was ‘ghostly white’. I didn’t want to look like that.

     I would often request that makeup artistes there respect my desire to keep my natural color (I’m a little darker than most Chinese women there want to be), and it was always a painful experience. I was Chinese too, but I didn’t want to be *that* kind of Chinese woman with the nice femme clothes and white and whiter makeup. It was hard. (I have a photo of me on a Vogue-like magazine.. it makes me cringe a lot)

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 13:46:36 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • Jens Finkhäuser

     @jens yeah all same but ‘female’ version

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     Jens Finkhäuser (jens@social.finkhaeuser.de)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 13:46:46 JST Jens Finkhäuser

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte Social issues added to it. The guy tried to smalltalk. I didn't understand what a "good" haircut was supposed to be. At best, I could associate it with whatever the cool kids had. (Here I have to say my dad saved me with his insistence on short hair, otherwise I would have worn mullets. Notable exception!)

     Nope, it was all terrifying and unenjoyable.

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     Jens Finkhäuser (jens@social.finkhaeuser.de)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 13:46:51 JST Jens Finkhäuser

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte In hindsight, it was a lot of sensory issues combined for me. I hated the feel of the cold wet on my skin. The snip-snip of the scissors drilled right into my brain. Plus, I was terrified if losing an ear (thank you, Struwelpeter!).

     I have a mole on my head, and the stylist always tore painfully over it with a comb. He also wore too much of a cologne that assaulted my nostrils. And afterwards with less hair, everything felt colder.

     I couldn't begin to explain that.

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     Jens Finkhäuser (jens@social.finkhaeuser.de)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 13:46:54 JST Jens Finkhäuser

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I always felt I was kind of lucky I was born at just the right time so that my youth was smack in the middle of the grunge era. I didn't need to explain (too much) about growing my hair. Everybody thought it was teenage rebellion, when in reality it was the kind of terror you describe.

     25 years later, my wife dragged me to a hair stylist again, just to trim the tips. My hair was badly damaged. The right kind of attitude in the surroundings made it painless, even enjoyable.

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     Laura Langdon (lauralangdon@hachyderm.io)'s status on Saturday, 10-May-2025 14:26:43 JST Laura Langdon

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I'm so glad you found ways to have much better experiences! And sorry to hear you've otherwise had such negative ones. ❤️