Conversation

Notices

1. Embed this notice
   Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:20:10 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

   After thinking a fair bit about trauma last week, I have somehow avoided thinking too hard about it for the past couple of days, whoops how did that happen.

   Anyway. Intense painful feelings are unacceptable. The worst thing in my life happened when I was having intense painful feelings, and I wasn't able to advocate for myself effectively with the people who could have made things more bearable for me, but chose not to (ob/gyn & midwife)

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:24:21 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     Or just didn't particularly care enough, it could have been that too.

     They kept me alive, and kept kiddo alive, and those were the only things they seemed to care about during the whole 36-hour labour that should have been a scheduled cesarean. But the ob/gyn was proud that his cesarean rate was the lowest in the city, so we had to attempt induced labor first, yep yep.

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:27:18 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     (Kiddo came out with a pointed skull. Vaginal birth was never a realistic option. I didn't know that. But the ob/gyn almost certainly did.)

     ANYWAY. When I am incapacitated by painful feelings, and can't advocate for myself, then terrible things happen.

     Therefore, I cannot ever be incapacitated by painful feelings.

     For the first few years after the birth, I just shut down when things were hard. Kiddo's dad got angry at me when I shut down. That made it worse.

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:30:35 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     Sometimes I'd flee from difficult situations, leaving social events without telling anyone. This made kiddo's dad especially angry, and also I felt guilty and stupid (even if he wasn't there to be angry).

     I had my first major mental breakdown when kiddo was about 18 months old.

     I got lots of therapy and drugs and all the usual things.

     I don't think anyone ever mentioned trauma.

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:34:08 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     I learned with experience that physical management of difficult emotions seemed to help me the most. Breathing exercises, meditation, walking, stuff like that.

     I don't think I've ever focused much on trying to feel my negative feelings, apart from in a brief Dom/sub relationship I was in a couple of years ago.

     My Sir asked me to journal about different emotions, which I did as best I could, and I think it was helping.

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:36:57 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     I had some wonderful experiences with her. It sucks that there were some fundamental issues we couldn't get past.

     1. She wanted to change me in fundamental. Her metaphor was a bonsai tree, that she would prune into the shape she wanted. I don't want to be pruned. I want to be nurtured to grow into a big strong tree.

     2. Sometimes she'd be exasperated or disappointed with me, and I couldn't handle it, especially in a subby space. It hurt me and I'd shut down.

   • Embed this notice
     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Tuesday, 28-Nov-2023 06:40:11 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     She couldn't understand why it hurt me. And I couldn't convince her to be gentler with her judgements.

     Ugh I don't want to think about this. But it probably helps.

     I think I find Dom Lan Zhan so appealing because he adores and cherishes Wei Ying so much. No matter what else is happening, WY knows that he's safe.

     To keep myself safe, I can't be fully vulnerable with anyone who doesn't cherish me like that.

     I have to be on guard.