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   Terra: Chaos Lesbian (terra@chaosfem.tw)'s status on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2023 04:06:44 JST Terra: Chaos Lesbian

   Fun fact: I still doubt I'm really Trans.

   Seriously.

   There's so much that doesn't fit. I play the games online and joke about the stereotypes, but I don't fit most of them.

   And I don't fit a lot of the history either. Joking and laughing about obviousness aside, when I'm alone in the dark, I still serious doubt it all. In many ways I feel like a fake Trans person.

   But a friend gave me a really good question to ask myself: So what?

   See, here's what I know:

   My brain feels better on Estrogen. My body feels better with girl parts. I feel more at ease when society sees me as a girl.

   So, in the end, what if I just like it better this way? What if I'm not really Trans? So what?

   It doesn't matter to me if I'm not Trans, because I know that I am happier.

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2023 04:06:42 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     • Lisa Melton

     @lisamelton @Terra Just want to add on to this. There are so many quiet nights alone when a voice creeps in saying "You're not fooling anyone. It's so much work to keep up this presentation, and you're not even on HRT. Just stop trying and let people call you a man. It's what they want to do anyway."

     But I know those thoughts can't carry my emotional truth, because *it hurts when I hear them*.

   • Embed this notice
     Lisa Melton (lisamelton@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2023 04:06:43 JST Lisa Melton

     in reply to

     @Terra This. 💯

     It's a conversation I've had with myself lying awake in bed more than once. Way more than once, sadly.

     I joked with my therapist once that it seems like all of us do this to ourselves. She shrugged and said, "Well, that sounds normal then."

     Anyway, you're right. It doesn't really matter. I like myself as a woman much than a sad old man.

     Keep speaking truth, sister. We need you here.

   • Embed this notice
     Kit Rhett Aultman (roadriverrail@signs.codes)'s status on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2023 04:31:19 JST Kit Rhett Aultman

     in reply to

     • Lisa Melton

     @lisamelton @Terra Oh, yes, I do very much know those things, and I'm mostly trying to share these sorts of things out loud in the hopes someone else can feel less alone when they doubt.

     The HRT thing, BTW, is really about two things-- (1) how heavily transfeminine discourse centers on it (2) like many enbies, I'm made up of passionate and conflicting desires, and a loud and large minority of my psyche would love HRT.

   • Embed this notice
     Lisa Melton (lisamelton@mastodon.social)'s status on Tuesday, 31-Oct-2023 04:31:20 JST Lisa Melton

     in reply to

     • Kit Rhett Aultman

     @roadriverrail @Terra And those voices hurt because you really are trans. If anything, that doubt is confirmation. And, yeah, it's so weird that it works that way.

     BTW (and I'm sure you already know this), HRT is not required to be trans. Speech therapy is not required to be trans. Knowledge of how to dress, apply makeup, etc. is not required to be trans.

     When you admit to yourself that you're trans then that's all it takes. 💖