Notices by Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)

5pm on November 1: let’s go for a walk, it’s still light out!

5pm on November 2: an early darkness blankets the land. Fallow fields lay bone-bleached by moonlight. The last memories of summer fade into oblivion. The last echoes of hope lapse into baleful silence.

will never understand how Canadians became known for saying “eh” when we should be known for our ability to make the phase “okay buddy” mean everything from “of course I will give my life for yours” to “I am the drunkest man alive and I am going to fight you in this parking lot”

daily Chinese news headline: Scientists grow the world’s first functional human spine replacement from a single drop of blood

daily American news headline: White House declares that sunburns are caused by bees

I have taken
the Tylenol
that was in
the medicine cabinet

and which
they think probably
is the reason
you like trains

forgive me
but that’s bullshit
you got autism
from your dad

trying not to watch the news right now, I don’t want any spoilers for the book I’m reading

when I have to pretend I’m not sheltering John Oliver in my basement but the authorities can hear him yelling about rat erotica through the floorboards

microdosing a European vacation by walking 23,000 steps in shoes that aren’t really meant for it and then eating a piece of cheese outdoors

the east coast: I drew you a nice, hot bath

me: in the bathtub?

the east coast: in the air all around you :)

the east coast: there is no escape :)

and so I wake in the morning and I step outside,
but it’s not over yet; it’s still 2025,
and I scream at the top of my lungs,
FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

as a child I thought it was wildly unrealistic that Sims would immediately give up on all their goals and dreams if a single dirty plate was left on the ground but now that I’m an adult I understand that that was the most realistic part of the game

I knew I would eventually get old enough to watch history repeat itself but I was sort of hoping I would be older than 32 at the time

Harris: we need to come together as a country

Trump: the Mexicans want asylum, they're breaking into our mental hospitals

RFK Jr: in October of 1998 I left a jar of human eyes in the fiction section of a Borders bookstore in Philadelphia

can't believe other women were picked for the Olympic basketball team over me just because they have the unfair biological advantage of not being built like the sturdiest turnip farmer in Middle-Earth

"childless woman" is such a 19th-century-ass insult. what else you got. do I render inferior tallow? do my cabbages grow pale and blemished? does the quality of my sock-darning bring shame upon my father's name?

you don't become old on your 30th birthday, you become old the first time you scroll past a high school picture of your friend on social media and then realize, with creeping horror, that you are actually looking at a recent photo of their teenage child

it’s so important to remind young people that their lives won’t end at 30. their lives will end in a war fought over earth’s dwindling supplies of clean drinking water, probably when they’re like 28.

on second thought, I choose TWO bears

[slaps cybertruck] this baby can hold so many documents from my ex-wife’s lawyer in it

my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone

true crime documentary narrator: how did this missing persons case go unsolved for more than 20 years?

police officer: yeah so the family reported their daughter missing and then we told them that she was probably fine and didn't look for her at all