you don't become old on your 30th birthday, you become old the first time you scroll past a high school picture of your friend on social media and then realize, with creeping horror, that you are actually looking at a recent photo of their teenage child
Notices by Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Tuesday, 02-Jul-2024 16:10:04 JST Janel Comeau
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Monday, 17-Jun-2024 10:47:01 JST Janel Comeau
it’s so important to remind young people that their lives won’t end at 30. their lives will end in a war fought over earth’s dwindling supplies of clean drinking water, probably when they’re like 28.
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 09-Jun-2024 02:33:22 JST Janel Comeau
on second thought, I choose TWO bears
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 09-Jun-2024 02:32:36 JST Janel Comeau
[slaps cybertruck] this baby can hold so many documents from my ex-wife’s lawyer in it
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 09-Jun-2024 02:32:23 JST Janel Comeau
my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 09-Jun-2024 02:08:22 JST Janel Comeau
true crime documentary narrator: how did this missing persons case go unsolved for more than 20 years?
police officer: yeah so the family reported their daughter missing and then we told them that she was probably fine and didn't look for her at all
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Friday, 07-Jun-2024 04:23:08 JST Janel Comeau
[doing a Google search in 2012] having instant and reliable access to relevant websites is fine, but I’d really prefer to have all my questions answered by a deranged version of Microsoft Clippy that tells me to eat glue
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Wednesday, 15-May-2024 00:20:21 JST Janel Comeau
I’ve been in Paris for 72 hours and I regret to report that walking 16,000 steps per day and complaining about things over 2-hour lunch breaks has immediately fixed my entire life
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Thursday, 09-May-2024 08:47:16 JST Janel Comeau
I have eaten
the brain
that was in
RFK Jrand which
he was probably
saving
to run for Presidentforgive me
it was delicious
and I am just
a worm -
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Thursday, 11-Apr-2024 10:58:02 JST Janel Comeau
having now seen a total eclipse I can confirm that if I had had even 20% less context for what was about to happen I would have immediately started throwing people into nearby volcanos
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Monday, 08-Apr-2024 01:25:23 JST Janel Comeau
important eclipse safety tips:
- never look at an eclipse without eye protection
- ensure your eclipse glasses are ISO 12312-2 certified
- do not listen to the whispers of the faceless men who emerge during totality, they speak only lies
- always supervise children closely -
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 07-Apr-2024 14:57:22 JST Janel Comeau
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 07-Apr-2024 06:03:58 JST Janel Comeau
boy are you the New York City earthquake, because you’re making a pretty big deal out of something that lasted like 20 seconds
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Saturday, 16-Mar-2024 00:08:09 JST Janel Comeau
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, "ah yes, that's why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore"
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Monday, 11-Mar-2024 14:36:33 JST Janel Comeau
reasons to abolish daylight savings time:
1. disrupts sleep cycles
2. creates unnecessary confusion
3. I am not an 18th-century wretch trying to conserve papa's precious stores of whale oil
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Tuesday, 20-Feb-2024 15:31:27 JST Janel Comeau
once upon a midnight dreary
while I wandered, weak and weary
over to a quaint and curious icebox door
when I spotted what I had been craving
the plums that you were probably saving
for your breakfast, I am sure
forgive me please, I do implore
I ate those plums and nothing more -
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 18-Feb-2024 05:01:26 JST Janel Comeau
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Friday, 16-Feb-2024 23:52:41 JST Janel Comeau
phone calls are all spam. emails are all spam. text messages are all spam. if you want to reach me, pin a note to my door with a jeweled dagger or don't waste my time.
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Sunday, 11-Feb-2024 09:47:26 JST Janel Comeau
“you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it’s extremely addictive,” says my pharmacist before handing over a prescription I need to set at least six phone alarms to remember to take
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Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)'s status on Tuesday, 06-Feb-2024 10:06:26 JST Janel Comeau
you got a fast car
I got a plan to steal all your plums
you were probably saving them for breakfast
forgive me but I wanted them