Notices by Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to)

Harris: we need to come together as a country

Trump: the Mexicans want asylum, they're breaking into our mental hospitals

RFK Jr: in October of 1998 I left a jar of human eyes in the fiction section of a Borders bookstore in Philadelphia

can't believe other women were picked for the Olympic basketball team over me just because they have the unfair biological advantage of not being built like the sturdiest turnip farmer in Middle-Earth

"childless woman" is such a 19th-century-ass insult. what else you got. do I render inferior tallow? do my cabbages grow pale and blemished? does the quality of my sock-darning bring shame upon my father's name?

you don't become old on your 30th birthday, you become old the first time you scroll past a high school picture of your friend on social media and then realize, with creeping horror, that you are actually looking at a recent photo of their teenage child

it’s so important to remind young people that their lives won’t end at 30. their lives will end in a war fought over earth’s dwindling supplies of clean drinking water, probably when they’re like 28.

on second thought, I choose TWO bears

[slaps cybertruck] this baby can hold so many documents from my ex-wife’s lawyer in it

my elderly Egyptian Uber driver happily informed me that he “supports the gays now” because he lives with a lesbian couple and “the husband lesbian is a better husband than I was”, happy pride everyone

true crime documentary narrator: how did this missing persons case go unsolved for more than 20 years?

police officer: yeah so the family reported their daughter missing and then we told them that she was probably fine and didn't look for her at all

[doing a Google search in 2012] having instant and reliable access to relevant websites is fine, but I’d really prefer to have all my questions answered by a deranged version of Microsoft Clippy that tells me to eat glue

I’ve been in Paris for 72 hours and I regret to report that walking 16,000 steps per day and complaining about things over 2-hour lunch breaks has immediately fixed my entire life

I have eaten
the brain
that was in
RFK Jr

and which
he was probably
saving
to run for President

forgive me
it was delicious
and I am just
a worm

having now seen a total eclipse I can confirm that if I had had even 20% less context for what was about to happen I would have immediately started throwing people into nearby volcanos

important eclipse safety tips:

- never look at an eclipse without eye protection
- ensure your eclipse glasses are ISO 12312-2 certified
- do not listen to the whispers of the faceless men who emerge during totality, they speak only lies
- always supervise children closely

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

boy are you the New York City earthquake, because you’re making a pretty big deal out of something that lasted like 20 seconds

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, "ah yes, that's why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore"

reasons to abolish daylight savings time:

1. disrupts sleep cycles

2. creates unnecessary confusion

3. I am not an 18th-century wretch trying to conserve papa's precious stores of whale oil

once upon a midnight dreary
while I wandered, weak and weary
over to a quaint and curious icebox door
when I spotted what I had been craving
the plums that you were probably saving
for your breakfast, I am sure
forgive me please, I do implore
I ate those plums and nothing more

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me