Notices by Janel Comeau (verybadllama@mas.to), page 2

phone calls are all spam. emails are all spam. text messages are all spam. if you want to reach me, pin a note to my door with a jeweled dagger or don't waste my time.

“you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it’s extremely addictive,” says my pharmacist before handing over a prescription I need to set at least six phone alarms to remember to take

you got a fast car
I got a plan to steal all your plums
you were probably saving them for breakfast
forgive me but I wanted them

my teachers used to say they were preparing us for jobs that didn't exist yet, and in hindsight they were probably hoping for "nuclear nano space-robot technician" and not "person who makes a small amount of money putting enormous amounts of personal information on the internet"

I respect screaming babies on airplanes because they're the only ones providing honest feedback about the overall air travel experience

we’ve tried giving rich people more money, giving rich people more money, and giving rich people more money, and things are still terrible, so clearly it’s time to try something different (giving rich people A LOT more money)

happy birthday to French Husband, a man who happens to be the world’s greatest husband and also very clearly looks like he speaks French from at least 40 metres away

just once I want to grow a houseplant as green and healthy and vibrant as the weird scum that grows on the nose pads of my glasses

the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it

“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner

my parents at 30: whew, we weren't expecting to have a third kid and a new car this year, but I think we can swing it

me at 30: I was not expecting to have to replace an extra lightbulb in my home this year and now financial ruin is upon me

I just think it would be better for everyone if the people who make adhesive for maxi pads and the people who make adhesive for bookstore price stickers switched jobs

I actually measure a year in cups of coffee, so while the rest of you ring in 2024, I’m already halfway through 2028

I love reading about the lives of 19th and 20th century writers because it always goes something like "he lived in abject poverty, barely covering the upkeep on his 3-bedroom townhouse in the city by selling two magazine stories per year"

welcome to the week after Christmas, the date is sometime between Tuesday and August, a handful of cheese at 4pm counts as a meal, Irish Cream can be consumed between 6am and January and putting on your high school band shirt from your parents’ closet counts as “getting dressed”

my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they're like ma'am we're inspectors for the department of health, do you have a permit to operate a dairy restaurant at this address

the 6 kinds of classic rock songs:

- I need to get out of this town
- I miss that town
- I’m in love with a girl I can’t have (because she’s with my friend)
- I’m in love with a girl I can’t have (because she’s 15)
- druuuuuuuuuugs
- here is a 43 minute song about wizards

I’m just an executive, standing in front of some small thing that brings you joy in this life, asking how I can completely ruin it for money

"young people can't buy homes because they'd rather buy big fancy TVs"

I am begging older generations to understand that televisions have gone from "a thing that costs 4 months' salary" to "a thing you get for free when your roommate moves and can't be bothered to take it"

just a brief history of trying to find housing in Canada

I'm not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades