Notices by Kevin Davy (pathfinder@beige.party)

@hellomiakoda
Thank you, that means a great deal to me. :bear_hugs:

@hellomiakoda
Have you finished settling into your new place yet, or are you still playing with the tech and the layout?

@autistics

"I'm tired,
I'm tired of being tired."

All too often I can't help thinking that this should be our motto, or legend written on our flag, were we ever to raise one over a land of our own. And it's hardly surprising really, given how exhausting just being autistic is in the human world.

We are constantly having to try and understand and translate what allistics are saying and trying to communicate, whether that be through speech or the written word, or ads, or everything really, into something that we can at least vaguely understand. But that, to say the least, is always an uphill and somewhat fruitless endeavour. Their speech is filled with so many allusions and stuff "we should just know and understand", givens and common understandings, that only really work if you actually ever fucking understood them in the first place. With meanings that are meant to be perceived, or invoke an emotive response, or show the important things, at least to them, of their existence and relationship to you, like status and position, power and authority. All the things that are so often lost on us, because it's not the way we see, or think about the world and yet without which make their words lack the meaning or substance that can actually make them useful. And then, of course, we are in the wrong, or just wilful, or just rude when we ask for an explanation, or fail to understand.

And then there is the sensory hell of the world they live in. All the noise and lights and smells that they just take for granted and seem to consider normal. So normal, in fact, that complaining or trying to protect yourself from them, is also often considered rude, or weird and certainly nothing you can explain to them with any hope of them really understanding. In fact trying to explain pretty much anything to them, or trying to get them to understand your needs and experiences, the way you need people to communicate with you for it to work, or the environment that you can live in, is so often a fruitless enterprise, or, at worst, the sort of encounter that ends up making you want to bash your head repeatedly against a brick wall until something, literally fucking anything, no matter how small, can make sense. Because rarely what we try to communicate to them, normally because of bitter experience, is that difficult or demands that much effort and yet still it still seems to be beyond them.

All too often, to a lesser or greater extent, this is the story of our lives. Masking can help, but that is its own energy drain. Being able to surround ourselves with the right people can help more, as can stubbornly looking after your own needs. But the wider world is always there, like an opinionated black hole, always ready to drain so much away. Getting older doesn't help with all this, as the natural wear and tear and the struggle of the years begin to gang up on us. As the energy reservoirs become less and less what they used to be, or fill back up with anything like the vigour of our youth. Everything becomes its own kind of harder. So perhaps is it any wonder that burnout dogs our ageing footsteps like an over eager puppy just waiting for the chance to trip us up and slobber all over us. In fact, you could almost argue that it is an inevitability, especially for those of us who expanded so much masking and uncertain and not realising that we were autistic for so long and didn't know all the things we could do to help ourselves, as little as they can sometimes be.

So perhaps it is no wonder that tiredness is so often our default state. We live in a world that all too often makes little or no sense, that can be hateful and harmful and care not a wit for us, or our needs. Why we spend so much time trying to understand how many spoons, or spell spots, or however we like to think about it, things will cost us and how much we can afford to spend. How we can be like paupers counting their small change, over and over again, in the vague hope that we can afford the simplest things that we desire.

So yes, all this and more is why I'm tired and tired of being tired, but then that just means I'm alive and still going. That I am still struggling and fighting and paying the price to just live in this world and if you think about it, that is no small thing.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

@autistics

Today I received an email notification that my application for a blue badge (what we call a disability parking permit, in the UK) has been successful. This made me very happy. Although why, is a little complex.

The most obvious and main reason was that I know from my experience of transporting people with one, just how much it will make my life easier. No more hunting for a car parking space within range of my even being able to get somewhere. Or the spoon cost of not being able to find one and having to change my plans. The ease of being, more often than not, just outside the entrance. Not to mention that it is often free parking.

But there was also a secondary element. Which was that it felt validating. I'm not saying that I want to be disabled, or the way I am. But, having something like this kind of confirm just how disabled I am, somehow makes it more real. Not always a good thing. But, in this case, it felt like a confirmation of what I knew, but had room to doubt. Was I making too much of it, was I wrong to see myself as disabled as I thought I was? My mind, and I suspect not just mine, works this way.

But then, simply put, it's often easier to doubt ourselves and believe others, than the reverse. Perhaps that's because we are simply human. Social creatures, even if only in our way, that rely on the feedback and reassurance of others. Perhaps it is a deeper society indoctrination that runs so deep it may never be overcome entirely and when we are not thinking about it, we look outwards for the external verification that we have been taught is the only true authority, even though we know ourselves far better than anyone else can.

Or perhaps it's because of the one thing most of us have been taught through our lives. That what we know in our hearts is true about ourselves and the world we live in, never is. That we are always wrong, never right.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

@hellomiakoda @meadow
Agreed. Especially considering that those that actually matter and care about you won't mind, accepting you for who you are, and those that don't, don't really have a say, that is really worth anything

@hellomiakoda @Dianora @JamesWNeal
A pet hate is when they radically change something for the worse, that I rely on and have been able to buy without thought.

@hellomiakoda @Dianora @JamesWNeal
Same!

@hellomiakoda @Dianora @JamesWNeal
Almost all purchases for me, involve a long battle to justify them and to make sure I have the one I want.

@JamesWNeal @actuallyautistic
We are in many ways very different from one another. And yet there is always a resonance in the stories others tell, that just isn't there elsewhere.
What we can learn and get from those stories may vary. But the underlying story that we are no longer alone always rings out.
We learn and gain more from each other, than we ever can from some outsider.

@JamesWNeal @actuallyautistic
"I thought it was just me."
Almost certainly the one realisation that we all have, over and over again.
Often tied in with "but I don't - insert autistic trait here-" only to realise that yes you do, just in ways that you're so used to that you don't think about them that way. Or because you mask them so well, even you don't notice.
Confidence and belief in yourself comes not just from the validation of realising you're not alone, but also that it's perfectly natural and good.

@hellomiakoda
:bear_hugs:

@autistics

This caught my attention. I don't know how accurate these figures are. Not without access to the original research to assess it. But if these are in any way close, then bloody hell. I've always been of the opinion that the majority of adults weren't diagnosed in one way or another. But these sorts of figures were surprising. In any case, it is good to see something like this in mainstream media and the consequences of it, being discussed.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic

https://www.independent.co.uk/news/health/autism-diagnosis-over-40-britain-b2816046.html

@hellomiakoda
Well, give it time. Like a day or two, max a week and they will realise differently.

@hellomiakoda
Do they actually know what a shit storm it is?

@hellomiakoda
I'll go with, probably and probably not.

@hellomiakoda @GreenRoc
Exactly. That's what hurts.

@hellomiakoda @GreenRoc
Typical misreading of our autistic body language. When engaged we can look blank, in other words, bored, or even come across as something else, like angry, or frustrated, never as we are actually feeling. Annoys the blood hell out of me when they don't just simply ask and take our word for how we are actually feeling.

@melindrea @hellomiakoda
This is so true. This way, on top of autism is caused, they also get a double whammy. Blame the woman, because who else in their minds, and I use that word incredibly generously, and control how they can be pregnant.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and bang my head repeatedly against a wall. Because, I could have sworn this sort of sexist shit was behind us, well mostly anyway. So I obviously need a reset. 😀

@hellomiakoda
I'd be interested if anyone is watching the market price and whether anyone is betting large on it falling. Because this smacks of this to me. Because otherwise they could have picked on basically anything to further the autism is caused, autism must be cured, welcome to your wellness camp thread that they are building.

@autistics

For those of you who may not know. It would appear as if the Guppe groups are down for good. Apparently the bloke who ran it got knifed in the back by the domain being sold to another ahead of schedule and before he could renew it. Whether he will be able to get it back up and running in another way, I don't know.
Fedigroups run a similar service, for those interested. I tagged the autistic one above. https://about.fedigroups.social/home
I'm not sure how widespread this information about the Guppe groups is yet. But, for those of you who us it a lot, whether for autism, or anything else, it may not be the worst idea to post something similar to this to your followers and help spread the word.

#Autism
#ADHD
#Neurodivergent
#Audhd