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@actuallyautistic

One of the things that I love about the autistic community here and which I found very surprising when I first joined, is that so many of us here are older and very much late in realising or being diagnosed as autistic. It makes for a very diverse range of experiences and in many cases opinions. However, it does mean that we tend to share two things in common.

One. We've spent most of our lives knowing only that we didn't belong. More often than not, without knowing why, or even how sometimes. Because, we certainly tried to. My god, did we try to. Often in ways that we shouldn't have and with people that we certainly shouldn't have. Which often led to no small amount of failures and disasters, rejection and betrayal, pain and suffering, trauma and in many cases, PTSD.

Two. That we learnt early to hide, in one way or another. Either literally, in the isolated nooks and crannies that we soon learnt the uncanny art of finding everywhere we had to be. Or, behind the masks we grew to try and fit in, or, at the very least, not to stand out. Because standing out, being actually seen, was always dangerous. It was, perhaps, the earliest lesson that many of us would have learnt. That in the world outside, no matter who you were with, or where you were, you were only a mis-step away from being abused, or criticised. That we were frightfully, truly alone and being you, was to be attacked. So, is it any wonder that we tend to have more than our fair share of anxiety and stress issues, depression and barely, if not even close to being, healed scars.

Now, I'm not saying that we are alone in this, or that it doesn't equally apply to many groups, or other autistics who have been diagnosed earlier. Unfortunately, for so many, far from it. I'm just saying that we just tend to have a rather long and unique history with it. Does it always show up in what we post? No, in fact many of us try very hard to not dwell upon it. We have finally found a place where we belong and a community that we can be ourselves in and why dwell on the dark. It's not as if it is really going anywhere.

But, it does make us very vulnerable to what is going on at the moment. Either because we are directly involved, or because of all the news coming out of America and how we can see people are being affected, especially our friends. It's hard not to feel, not to be overwhelmed by it, especially when you consider how sensitive and emphatic we can be and the nature of our histories. There is just so much.

Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to it. We can work on filtering our timelines, as much as it can work anyway. We can step away, for a time or for as long is it takes, there's certainly no shame in that. Some of us will want to get involved and some will want to keep on posting as normal. Not because we don't care, or feel anything, but because it's the only way we know how to fight the darkness, of our own history and of the world outside. We will all have to find out what will work for us, because, this isn't ending any time soon, and allow others to do the same.

But to the rest of the Fediverse, if you come to read this. Please remember that there are those of us who are already hurt, who have always been hurting. Who have known nothing but being marginalised and isolated and a target for all the hate that is out there. So, don't be surprised if we ask you to CW your posts, or spell names and hashtags correctly, so that our filters can work. Don't begrudge us posting as normal, our pictures of cats and dogs, our silly humour and tales of normality. It doesn't mean that we don't care, in fact far from it.

#Autism
#ActuallyAutistic