Notices by Rachel (rachel@oomfie.world)

- people are buzzing about a social network with a blue logo
- everyone's playing half life 2
- the democratic party seems completely dead and a republican president just won a reelection campaign
- linkin park is relevant

close enough welcome back 2004

@smveerman do you mean stuff like this? if so last time i checked it was still abandoned on the ground in morlanwelz

@smveerman it's morlanwelz there's only two trains an hour (S62 towards Charleroi at x:45 and S62 towards La Louvière at x:15) i don't think anyone would notice

@smveerman oh wait no you meant taking it *on* the train mb 🤦♀️

@smveerman btw may i ask you why as a dutch person you seem more interested in belgian railways than the netherlands'?

i have hired this 🤓 to stare at you

girl update: i really need to get a purse

had an okay breakfast and lunch. nothing huge but it's acceptable. i'd say i'll probably need a couple more days to recover from the pizza, and then i'll be able to try something a bit heavier again. though that thought alone makes me queasy right now.

the big step of the day is that i told my roommate and my closest family members about my anorexia, which will most likely help.

i'm actually okay right now, though having eaten less than in the past couple of days probably played a role in that.

tonight, more eggs and onions, with some cheese as well this time. i'll survive, i'll do it.

and, to make things clearer, when i said "you don't need to send hugs or voice support" in my previous post, what i meant was "please do not send hugs or voice support". i think it wasn't clear enough and people interpreted it as just me being polite, but seriously, i don't want to be coddled. healing from this involves learning to treat things normally, and that means i need to be treated normally. this is meant as informative, i'm not looking for attention or special treatment. i'm completely open to any question or comment you may have, but i don't need or want support. i have a support network already.

i actually felt hunger for the first time in weeks this afternoon. i knew it wouldn't last, so i seized the opportunity to eat some more of those wafers with mayo and cheese, and tonight i made three more eggs, also with cheese.

overall daily food intake:
- a small bowl of cereal
- a vegetable panini
- three and a half slices of gouda on corn wafers, with mayo and lettuce
- three eggs, 100g of cheese and an onion, all scrambled together

it's good progress, but dear lord am i paying the price of that right now. i feel even fatter than i did after that pizza two days ago.
part of me is afraid that i'm going too fast and that i'll just bounce off.

i just want to stop eating. i want to be able to live off air, water and light and never have to stuff myself ever again. i want to be free of this revolting process that seems to be everything our bodies are designed for.

i don't know how i'll handle tomorrow, or the intrusive thoughts in bed tonight for that matter.

not the best day so far. i had a small bowl of cereal as usual for breakfast, but then i panicked before lunch, managed a couple of bites of my vegetable sandwich, then a colleague came in and offered an aubergine pizza slice. i accepted, packed up my sandwich for later, and slowly managed to have the slice instead.
overall that's definitely less than in the previous three days around the same time of day. i'll try to finish my sandwich in a bit.
i should also report that i've been having a lot of daydreams about being some kind of entity that doesn't need food to survive, and i've been idly feeling my ribs a lot. neither of which seems particularly healthy.
my goals for the day are:
- finish the sandwich
- have a bowl of soup
- don't punch myself in the stomach for at least 24h (i'm at around 19h right now)

okay, managed to finish the sandwich in the late afternoon, then for dinner i had about 150g of cheese, with mayo, lettuce and onions on corn wafers, again. i've eaten all the cheese i had so i'll have to eat something else tomorrow, and i'll need to take a break from mayo specifically for a good while.

i had a bit of an episode while standing in front of the bathroom mirror, as i could both see how thin i was while also obsessing over how fat i was. it was eerie, and not a fun experience. the urge to punch my own stomach was overwhelming at the time, but i managed to take it out on a towel instead, and i only have 45 minutes to go until i reach 24h without punching it! unless something really bad happens, i should be okay.

i just want to fast so bad. i feel like just one day would fix everything, but it can't. as an alternative, i might have a vegetable-only day tomorrow, as that avoids all my trigger foods.

"don't show pictures of your body or people will see that you're actually fat and that you're faking being anorexic" may ironically be one of my most cliché anorexic thoughts so far

and because i'm not gonna let it win, here's my body

okay, yesterday's photo really took a toll and i still keep feeling like everyone thinks i'm fat and lying. i'll try one more photo to see it helps make it feel more comfortable, but if it makes it worse i may have to stop photos for a while

i might actually have just about the same lunch and dinner tomorrow, since i still have enough ingredients, but with the goal of also having a real breakfast. that should qualify as an Acceptable Amount.
i swear if i do all this and my tits keep shrinking i'll just scream

the worst part of the day when fighting anorexia is getting in bed and knowing that all that food you've had all day, still inside you, is slowly turning into either fat or shit. there's this lingering shame and self-disgust that just overtakes everything else.

at that moment, it doesn't matter what others told you, it doesn't matter that you know on a rational level that you're underweight, it doesn't matter that you know how bad fatphobia is, because you're just consumed by this fear, this certitude, that you're getting even fatter, and that that somehow makes you unworthy. you're a disgusting slut who can't help herself from eating like a pig and you deserve to die alone, hiding in a corner so nobody can see your grotesquely bloated shape.

and you KNOW it's awful to have those thoughts, on so many levels, and you KNOW it has no basis in reality, but you still have them, and they overpower everything.

as far as my sick mind is concerned, fasting is pure, it's clean, while any amount of eating is defiling yourself. it's falling prey to your base instincts. it's betraying your soul and tainting it. if you eat you're just a mindless beast.

i do hope these nightly intrusive thoughts get better quickly.

(Oh just to be clear, i'm posting all this as a way to document the healing process, and i've decided to lower my filters so people can know how anorexia feels. Most sufferers are very secretive, and it's a difficult disease to understand from the outside. So really, you don't need to voice your support on each of these posts or send me hugs. I'm healing, and I've got a support network already. This is meant as informative, not as a way to fish for attention)

yesterday was so intense that i couldn't manage to have a proper breakfast by any stretch of the imagination, and i only just managed to have lunch now after 3PM. it's not all bad news though: i had mayonnaise, one of the scariest foods i can imagine, and i think i'm doing okay.

i mean, i feel disgusting and overflowing with shit and fat but i'm not barfing like i was yesterday, so that's good.

dinner will also have to be late, and i'm thinking of having eggs (there's another scary food) with onions and tomatoes.

i can do this.

the part that i really struggle with is that this is forever. i'm not just forcing myself to eat for a few days and then i can go back to normal again. i'm gonna have to eat three meals a day every day. every single day. and i'm so scared, i want to cry and, well, now i do wanna barf.

the desire to give up and stop eating gets stronger with every single meal, and there are so many in the day.

i spend an hour getting mentally ready for a meal, an hour preparing and eating it, an hour recovering from it, and it's almost time to start mentally preparing for the next one!

i know it's gonna get easier eventually, but i think it'll have to keep getting harder for a good while first.

i hate food.

okay, overall today i had:
- a cup of chocolate soy milk and three (!) chocolate eggs for breakfast, as i said not really a meal
- eight (!!) corn wafers with cheese AND MAYONNAISE for lunch, that one is HUGE
- three (!!!) eggs with onions and tomatoes for dinner
and i also had half a litre of tomato juice that i sipped throughout the day.
i still feel disgusting but not as bad as i did yesterday evening, and i don't think i'll throw up into my mouth again tonight. progress!

i have absolutely no free time for video games anymore and never really liked world of warcraft (i only played it during the pandemic because, you know, i was desperate for any kind of human interaction), yet for some reason i suddenly want to play world of warcraft