Notices by Damien Owens (damienowens@mastodon.ie)

@Leenchen Yay!

@DMLeathley Reaching back now, but I’m fairly sure some of The Sullivans were kangaroos

Every time someone complains about a 'kangaroo court', I start daydreaming about a rubbish nineteen-eighties Australian drama following the lives and loves of marsupial lawyers that comes on at two-thirty in the afternoon.

I don't think I would have made a good cowboy. I've had the odd compliment on my rootin' over the years but I never did get the hang of tootin'.

My wife is so thoughtful. She knows I get frightened by the fireworks so she says I can sleep inside tonight. Love you, babe!

'Noooooooooo' - me, when I accidentally click Learn More instead of backing out of there.

Just convinced myself that it's OK to put on weight because the universe is expanding, so it all evens out.

@Iwillyeah ‘Hero’? Your word, not mine.

For the thousandth time, I loiter by the gorilla enclosure. I am beginning to lose hope. And then it happens. Finally. A small boy marvels that last time he was here, there were less monkeys. I leap from the shadows, triumphant. ‘FEWER APES,’ I cry.

Feels these days like the Humanity album has finished and now we’re stuck in the shitty hidden track that’s just fourteen minutes of screeching.

Value your health, my young friends. I just laughed wrong and now I have a limp.

Holy SHIT, a lot of people can't spell Israel.

Took a peek at the crater where Twitter used to be. It’s full of posts like this:

‘Can you name a thing? I’ll start. Rice.’

Sick of the cat walking all over my keyboard when I’m trying to write. I don’t bother him when he’s painting those dreadful landscapes.

Always count your chickens before they hatch. There may well be some attrition, but you will at least establish a potential maximum number of birds and can plan accordingly.

We have given Taylor Swift too much power. One day she will enslave us all in the hell of her sequin mines.

When I make a grammatical error: 'We have but a brief moment on this earth. Let us walk together, smiling in the sunshine, feeling naught but pity for the twitching pedants.'

When you make one: 'Haha, Jesus, look at this moron.'

@kevinteljeur @adhdmarie @allancavanagh Resonation status: THOROUGH

Mafia guy goes to the doctor.

‘What seems to be the trouble?’
‘I got a lot of balls.’

Me, concluding my fourth reminder email regarding something the recipient was supposed to have done three weeks ago and about which I am now under serious pressure: 'No rush :)'