Notices by Nick (nickiquote@mstdn.social)

When I’m feeling stressed I like to imagine a beautiful woodland clearing on a spring morning, and in the middle of it my enemies getting their throats torn out by bears.

Literally the worst people in the world are once again carving the world up between themselves, and meanwhile you are expected to do normal Monday things. #USpol

@BrodieOnLinux Love all those renaissance paintings the Medicis made.

World news: Europe is in a major geopolitical crisis as tyrants carve up the world between themselves.

UK news: Some royal kiddies done some drawings! Print them out and stick them to your fridge! Tear down the meagre efforts of your filthy lowborn scumspawn to make room! These people are both definitely completely normal and not weird entitled cunts and also, by definition, your natural betters! See their sketches and adore them, you fucking disgusting waste of flesh!

#USpol #ukpol

Guys I’m trying to help but there’s only so many times I can not buy a Tesla. I’m not buying a Tesla every day right now.

#USpol

A lot of megaliths are just alrightaliths, if we’re being honest.

Turns out that I’m amazing at coming up with jokes other people have already come up with. But did that stop Infinite Monkey Shakespeare?

No, he is rightly idolised and feared for being an infinitely large replica of William Shakespeare made entirely of typing monkeys and able to bang out Hamlet in anywhere between 2 hours and a million billion years.

@RickiTarr Rice cookers are a great labour saver, make better rice and free up a hob.

I have already done upwards of four things today and people want me to do more things. This is an outrage.

@selzero Oh so it’s like that, is it? Well here’s my #UnsolicitedDickPic

Patient: Well Doc, what’s the diagnosis?

Doctor: Put it this way, don’t start any long books.

Patient: I’m going to die?

Doctor: No, you have ADHD.

@Taweret This is my favourite bit of MOTU 1987 trivia:

#Monsterdon

My dishwasher has irreparably broken down in a way that can only be explained by the tap water in this stupid part of this stupid country being 80% ROCKS.

I repeat my assertion that most Southern English people have never actually had a really good cup of tea, because what they actually drink is a slightly flavoured boiled gravel solution.

Stock market chaos as China reveals secret snake oil refinery, threatening US snake oil monopoly.

Being a Dad, I have an instinctive knowledge of what out-of-date foodstuffs are basically safe to eat.

Chocolate, for example, is always fine. It might get that dusty white effect but it'll do you no harm.

Crisps will always be fine. They might even taste a little soft and stale which will remind you of your childhood when crisp packet technology was more rudimentary and all crisps tasted like that most of the time.

But an out of date packet of M&S prawn crackers has flummoxed me. Thoughts?

1930s Germany must have been riddled with asperger’s, because people were making that awkward gesture all the time.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then the media will be baffled by what this small person is trying to convey with their awkward beak-having, unusual waddling and bizarre sounds.

The UK Government plans to:
“Unleash AI”
“Turbocharge AI”
“Back AI to the hilt”
“Forge new AI growth zones”
“Put us all-in on AI”
“Mainline AI into the veins of this enterprising nation”

If this language does not make you want to reach into your eye sockets, tear your skull out through your face and smash it against a wall, you are a more tolerant person than me and probably some form of Saint or Bodhisattva.

The universe, including of course all of humanity and its history, could suddenly pop out of existence at any moment due to a quantum event we don’t understand and won’t even be aware of. Which is some comfort.

@selzero Now you mention it, I have as many England caps as George Best.