Notices by Staff Chief of Joints (the_etrain@beige.party), page 3

So You've Decided to Embezzle: A Beginner's Guide

I see on your resume you've listed "excellent garlic bread". Can you elaborate?

Your honor, what we have here is a very simple case of he said, she stabbed.

I like outdoor summer parties because I can wear sunglasses, and it takes people an extra 10 minutes to figure out I'm stoned.

If you were to text with my mom, you'd swear she just started learning English two weeks ago.

@Alice
Except, and I'm not kidding, hers would say:

What Susan
Long heart
You kangaroo
Call meat
Do you lick salmon
Bob dead

Slowing the effects of global warming by lying naked in a field and reflecting the sun's energy back into space with my pale body.

There should be an Arby's commercial where a doctor walks into the exam room and says, "your blood labs came back. You've got The Meats." His name should be Dr. Beef or something like that.

Website: Hey! How about writing a review for that thing you bought last week?

Me: Fuck you. Pay me.

Me: *couch shopping* Do you mind if I build a little fort before I commit to anything?

I like ferns. I'm a big fern guy.

🎶
Yo-ho yo-ho
a shitposter's life for me!
🎶

Shitposting pirate. That's a viable career choice, right?

I thought we peaked at spy balloons, but man, I didn't even entertain trash balloons as a possibility.

20s: hijinks

40s: lojinks

China: Let's use balloons to spy on our adversaries.

North Korea: Or, hear me out now, we tie bags of poop to the balloons and wait for the wind to be just right.

China: This is why we're friends.

Game show idea: Naked Staring Contest

Gonna call up my homies and turn this gazebo into a gazebro.

It's stupid raining on the stupid weekend. Again. Anyway, here are some stupid irises I've be meaning to post.

Privacy is a tradeoff. For example, I can control my bedroom lighting with my voice and, in turn, some weirdos at Amazon get to listen to me rail my wife.