Notices by Staff Chief of Joints (the_etrain@beige.party)

Black smoke - no new pope

Red smoke - send more pizza

Brown smoke - we clogged the shitter again

Hear me out. It's like the Nathan's Hot Dog eating contest. But, it's Cadbury Creme Eggs and instead of eating them....well, you get the idea.

Gonna have to change the band name to Huey Lewis & The Holy Shit What The Fuck.

Remember when they called TV "the boob tube" because it was for idiots? I'm calling the internet "the rube tubes" because its main use is fooling morons.

I ran the numbers, and according to my calculations, people have lost their goddamn minds.

Mars: Completely uninhabitable, and it'll take an insane amount of resources to make it habitable. Humanity's survival depends on making it so.

Earth: Only known habitable planet. It'll take a lot of work to keep it that way. Fuck that place, obviously.

Having my lawyer draft a letter demanding everyone cease and desist with all the bullshit.

I'd like to try a different dimension now, please.

I know! I'll just move my aluminum smelter to a previously uninhabited island! *checks tariff list* Fuck!

Let's plant some seeds!
#Germination nation!

We have okra! Repeat. Okra.

Should it not be emojus and emojii?

Ask your doctor if being conscious is right for you (it's not).

Signs of life in the fern patch

Who moved my dopamine?

Holy shit. It's 8:19am, and I've burned through my allotment of patience for the day.

My wife insisted on fencing in the back yard, and I'm beginning to think it's because she knew I'd run away if we didn't.

New secret code: if you see someone irl you think might be on Mastodon, nonchalantly ask them if they know Nicole from Toronto.

Sorry, I meant that I'll bring a slow cooker full of meatballs for the party. It just came out as crock and balls.

I know my phone has more computing power than what got us to the moon. But, if autocorrect was piloting that spacecraft, there'd be three corpses halfway to Alpha Centauri right now.