Notices by Staff Chief of Joints (the_etrain@beige.party)

Should it not be emojus and emojii?

Ask your doctor if being conscious is right for you (it's not).

Signs of life in the fern patch

Who moved my dopamine?

Holy shit. It's 8:19am, and I've burned through my allotment of patience for the day.

My wife insisted on fencing in the back yard, and I'm beginning to think it's because she knew I'd run away if we didn't.

New secret code: if you see someone irl you think might be on Mastodon, nonchalantly ask them if they know Nicole from Toronto.

Sorry, I meant that I'll bring a slow cooker full of meatballs for the party. It just came out as crock and balls.

I know my phone has more computing power than what got us to the moon. But, if autocorrect was piloting that spacecraft, there'd be three corpses halfway to Alpha Centauri right now.

You're right. I should go to the dispensary today.

Testiculate means to gesture with one's testicles.

Tonight, you will time travel one hour into the future.

We're going back to the 50s. The 1850s. If you want eggs and bacon you better go feed the hens and slop the hogs.

You know what they say. Cake before bed, you'll sleep like the dead.

Only you can prevent forest fires, but any old asshole can start them. Sure, that seems fair.

It's Friday. Are you actually working instead of pretending to work? Stop. Don't do that.

This is my toot machine. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

Mastodon! Angry on the outside. Horny on the inside.

His actual name is William Bo Baggins. He's from Mississippi.

I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with them later.

-Mitch Hedberg