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@Rasp That's just something that you tell yourself since ages, good enough that you started to believe yourself. Admittedly, I even know what you meaning. The beginning is probably inconvenient and annoying. As visiting the dentist is. But in the end it's still much much better than rotting. Stop telling yourself wrong statements about what you want and what you don't want and that you want to die. And instead collect yourself, go there, give it a fair chance, and then think again next year.