>be me, 2035
>WotC and Games Workshop declare actual war over who owns the word "Emperor"
>both hire PMCs because lawyers are so 2020
>get recruited by Pinkertons, cause why not? I needed health insurance
>Seattle's gone full apocalypse mode, looks like a Mad Max set but with dice and miniatures
>millions dead, all because two companies couldn’t share their toys
>tfw I'm just a foot soldier in the most nerdy war imaginable
>only possession is my Player's Handbook
>treat it like a Bible, hoping it’ll give me a nat 20 in dodge
>Pinkerton squad leader says we’re raiding a Games Workshop warehouse
>probably gonna die next to a pile of overpriced Space Marine models
>peek around a corner, see a dude in full space marine armor cosplay armor
>mfw he’s shouting “For the Emperor!”
>realize he’s running straight at us
>he’s not stopping
>ohshit.jpg
>sergeant panics, yells "Roll for initiative!"
>everyone actually pulls out d20s
>roll a 2
>fml
>dude in space marine armor crushes our medic with his cosplay sword
>it's foam but he still hits like a truck
>other squadmates roll like trash, we’re getting wrecked
>try to remember the good ol' days when the worst battle I had was edition wars on Reddit
>WotC calls in backup—some dude dual-wielding Magic: The Gathering cards
>he just starts flinging them like shurikens
>everyone starts ducking because foil lands are sharp
>guy yells, “Counterspell!” while taking down two Warhammer fanboys
>this is my life now
>tfw I thought D&D would make me cool but now I'm dying in a war for a trademark
>sergeant gets sniped by a guy in a Tau helmet
>remember when we fought about which Emperor was better?
>now we just die for both
>cry myself to sleep, clutching my Player’s Handbook like it’s gonna save me
>still better than playing Pathfinder