I still want to avoid disappointing Him. Not (just) because I worry about being forgiven but because I don't want to. The same reason I don't want to upset family and friends, or people that have done right by me.

My about face back to being religious was slow and no one thing did it, but one of the big pushes was a dream where Jesus called me and chastised me for my behavior. He wasn't angry. He was disappointed, and that hurt.