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   Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Nov-2025 00:47:29 JST Paul Cantrell

   One of the great shames of my software career is that I have not once but •twice• been a part of a project where I found out only after I was off the project that a male manager or client had been just absolutely, utterly •wretched• to a female teammate.

   In both cases, it happened out of my sight. I had no idea what was going on.

   I still think to this day about my obliviousness: how I could have found out sooner, what warning signs I missed, what I could have done to stick up for my female colleagues.

   1/ https://toot.cafe/@baldur/115570002490755386

   • Rich Felker repeated this.
   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Nov-2025 00:52:48 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     In one case, it turns out that an all-male client group was giving vicious beratings (undeserved!) to a female project manager when they had her cornered alone. I had no idea.

     In the moment, I found those men kind of obnoxiously self-confident in their ignorance, but nothing worse. Later they want on a Trumpian scorched earth campaign trying not to pay everyone for work already done and threatening lawsuits willy nilly. They turned out to be horrible people. Missing that early red flag of misogyny cost us all — but especially that manager.

     2/

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Nov-2025 02:27:07 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     The manager herself I found peevish and difficult to work with on that project. She complained a lot, and was dismissive of my ideas.

     In hindsight, I now realize she was dealing with sustained psychological abuse on a daily basis, just trying to hold it together. Of course she was peevish. She didn’t want my input. She wanted to survive. And I was oblivious.

     3/

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Nov-2025 06:48:45 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Poloniousmonk

     @Uair
     Don’t misread: I’m not beating myself; I’m reflecting on future action. “Shame” is perhaps the wrong word. I’m an engineer, and when something breaks, I want to think about how to prevent the breakage in the future.

   • Embed this notice
     Poloniousmonk (uair@autistics.life)'s status on Wednesday, 19-Nov-2025 06:48:46 JST Poloniousmonk

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     This very much reads to me like beating yourself over something you had no control over. It's a sexist pig society. You can't fix that. You can only do your best to navigate it while not succumbing to it. Sounds to me like you did.

   • Embed this notice
     Paul Cantrell (inthehands@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 20-Nov-2025 09:54:59 JST Paul Cantrell

     in reply to

     • Poloniousmonk
     • tuban_muzuru

     @tuban_muzuru @Uair
     Yikes, this post is kind of creepy and wrong on several levels. For starters, population growth is not the cause of misogyny. I mean, wtf.

   • Embed this notice
     tuban_muzuru (tuban_muzuru@beige.party)'s status on Thursday, 20-Nov-2025 09:55:00 JST tuban_muzuru

     in reply to

     • Poloniousmonk

     @Uair @inthehands

     A girl child given 11 years of education will have fewer pregnancies, have her children later in life.

     Just educate the girl children and you get negative population growth and a more egalitarian society.

   • Embed this notice
     Poloniousmonk (uair@autistics.life)'s status on Thursday, 20-Nov-2025 09:55:01 JST Poloniousmonk

     in reply to

     @inthehands

     How do you reshape society into a more egalitarian one?

     I'm not being snarky here. I just never found the means.