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   RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:18 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip
   https://youtu.be/MFLc4Okc_LQ
   I think about this type of shit all of the time 😏
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     ?? Humpleupagus ?? (humpleupagus@eveningzoo.club)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:08 JST ?? Humpleupagus ??

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     I think everything just recurs over and over, because possibility is finite. The time between death and birth is instantaneous, because we have no awareness of the time between. Will manipulates the trajectory though, and so intracycle willing can limit / direcr which possibilities recur and the general procession of time. I will be here again, I've been here many times before.
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:09 JST DeadDrudge

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     Damn, that's all around pretty horrible... My situation was with six siblings though... Oldest escaped to grandparent's place around that same age. Things started out OK, but deteriorated from about the age of six or so... Family disintegration, poverty, Lord of the Flies sibling interactions, raised ourselves, etc... First drunk time at aunt's wedding, aged eight... Not a habitué, but would indulge when available... More into nicotine... Deer in the headlights about mortality since about the age of thirteen...
     
     Whatever the case, I have probably experienced fare more joy and contentment than I could have imagined possible when I was a lot younger... I think that if you can't see your purpose, you have to use your intellect to invent one, no matter how how weird it might be... This is a test... Go through the maze and find the rewardless reward... (the journey was/is the destination all along). Find your tribe... It's out there...
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:10 JST DeadDrudge

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     As the offspring of people who had no business having children, hoo-boy, I didn't know it, but I was "doomed" to have to enter adulthood dropped into the modern world wilderness with no map or compass... Most of what I have gathered has been trial and error, without a hint of guidance from about the age of eight or so... Life seems to be never-ending education and personal evolution with only subjective goals and horizons...
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:10 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     Pretty much the same for me 😏 my mom had no business having kids if she was just gonna choose dead beats and live a single mom life. My brother moved out and into my grandma's when he was like 15 or 16, my guess is he couldn't stand living with her or because he beat the shit out of her then boyfriend one night. My family has always been broken since before I was born. Then she meets my step dad during the Gulf war through a pen pal thing where she sent a random letter off to be handed out randomly, she dumped her then boyfriend because he didn't want to get married or whatever the excuse was, had this guy fly out for a week, never meeting him before and bringing this random stranger into our house and immediately he begins starting to upset things like getting too involved like he was trying to be my dad but an asshole version. Then he leaves and she had fallen in love. Couple months went by and she came to me with a proposition, I was like 8 or 9 at the time and asked if I wanted to go with her to move in with him all the way in Florida so she could get married, or if I wanted to stay with my dad. I wanted to stay with my dad because I didn't want to leave my friends and family nor did I want to move to some strange place with some strange asshole I didn't even like. My dad was a drunk so he wasn't really much of a dad. Wouldn't come home after work a lot because he was out chasing women or whatever at the bar. So I had to learn how to cook for myself. He never did any of my laundry so my clothes were always dirty. I wasn't doing good in school and he wasn't really helping with that. I was basically raising myself. Then he decided I was just in the way of his personal life and told my mom "here, you take him. I'm done" and then had no choice but to get on a plane. That was my first heart break and the beginning of my chronic depression. Then I had to deal with this guy's abuse for years after. They put me on Ritalin at like 11 because I wasn't doing good in school, was depressed and maladjusted to this crazy life I was being dragged through and all that did was introduce me to getting high. Then I got drunk the first time at 15 and to me that was the solution to all my problems. I wasn't really raised by anyone but more or less an inconvenient tag along while my parents were trying to have relationships. Wasn't taught hardly anything, my brother was the only male role model in my life, so it sucks he cut us all off. I was pushed out into the real world a drunk and haven't been taught a fucking thing except just told to go get a job any job and pay my bills. From then on it was one bad decision after another, especially when I hooked up with some unsavory friends. It's no wonder I turned out the way I did and yet they've never taken accountability for it. Like they just expected me to just magically become a well adjusted successful adult without being given any of the tools or nuclear family to do so. I guess before my brother beat the shit out of my step dad couple years ago he had chewed them out about all that pertaining to me. I don't know if I'll ever see him again, he hasn't returned any of my texts. Even now these piece of shit boomers are outsourcing their parenting. They just want me out of their hair and I'm all alone in this world wondering what the fuck I'm even still doing here
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:11 JST DeadDrudge

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     I've thought of going full hermit before, but you have provided very good examples of why that might not be viable... People usually need good infrastructure and other people in order to not turn into blithering savages (no guarantees, but the odds are much better).
     I guess for me, what tends to make things work pretty well much of the time is accepting that most of what has been unfortunate for me as an adult has been the result of my bad choices/ignorance... Nodding off in the school of hard knocks... That and having never really figured out what I want... Or if I even want anything...
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:11 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     I think everything that led up to my birth and everything my birthed body has done has been a series of bad choices 😏 of course not everything is my fault but I know I've made some pretty dumb self defeating choices in my day fucking off good starting positions. Shit I had to learn the hard way. But then when you think you learned from these poor choices you've gone too far and becomes too little too late and then you're completely fucked. Especially with the way things are going in the West for White people
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:12 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     Used to be able to do that once upon a time 😏 do you know how much skills and supplies you need to head out into the wilderness to eek out an existence? You'd need enough food and drinkable water to start with until you got a good layout of the land to observe game migration and trails to sustainably live off of them, you'd need to know exactly what plants you could eat on a regular basis and how much of it you can eat because some may be edible but contain other things that aren't good for you in larger amounts, you need to be able to construct yourself a shelter with a hard roof that can keep you warm and dry without getting moldy, you need all kinds of tools. You'd need effective weapons to defend against dangerous animals, you'd need all kinds of medicines and a knowledge of what plants can be used for medicines. You'd need a location that would have no reason for anyone to come through because you could be on someone's property, or state property, you'd need to keep your fires hidden because someone will see the smoke from far away and have someone come in and kick you out back into society for being a runaway slave. People do it on jewtube videos as a hobby, but any permanent situation is extremely difficult for most modern people who've lived in society their entire lives and mostly just know how to survive within the parameters of that. I wish it were so easy. I think eventually you'd go nuts from lack of human contact even though you may not like people for the most part, you still need at least a minimal amount for a lot of psychological reasons. It's very hard to exist in the wild unless you're trained up, in fit condition physically and mentally and have all the necessary items and knowledge.
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:13 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     What if you were the last person on the planet and everything else had died, even plants, but there were still a massive stockpile of food and water, enough to last you until you died. Would you continue living and reading all the books just to keep your mind going or would you end it 😏 or, what if everything was still the same except for everyone you knew had stepped out of your life, had nowhere to go and no new real friends to make because everyone around you was busy with their own lives with no room for you in it and had no way of gaining employment to earn your way into anything for yourself as if the world itself had unanimously discarded you. My current life is pretty close to the latter
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:13 JST DeadDrudge

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     1st case, I would probably carry on... Knowledge for knowledge's sake, or a peripheral awareness (or delusion?) of being something more than being just often annoyed meat...
     2nd case, I would carry on and go wherever my capacities/interests carried me, based on just whatever tattered remnants of The Faustian Spirit might impel me to keep going...
     BTW, I am sorry to hear that your life is closer to the latter... I would still just flip off the world and make my own world in such case...
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:14 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     Yeah, I've experienced that as we all have, but again, you would need an awareness to have known the nothingness was there 😏 like waking up as you say. It isn't like being in a sensory deprivation tank for eternity, because even in those you start hallucinating because your brain has to create an experience to remain operational. Speaking of, I wanna try one of those sensory deprivation tanks where you're floating in room temp water in complete darkness and silence. I bet your brain will take you to some crazy places, might even learn to control your reality with your mind having that base point of nothingness. That's probably what the Big bang really was. Absolute nothingness and then the God head observing it created all of this to compensate an experience
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:14 JST DeadDrudge

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     When we can no longer relay our experiences to another sentient being or relate them to our current state, I would guess that's "it"...
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:15 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     I think it's impossible for there to be eternal nothingness because there has to be something for there to be nothing as contrast. Something removed 😏 there has to be an awareness of the nothing for it to be observed
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:15 JST DeadDrudge

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     Lack of awareness being the nothingness, as in we sometimes don't remember our dreams, or (recently went under for a surgery, out for an hour or so)... Where was "I"...?
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     RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip (richardkuklinskisicyglare@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:17 JST RichardKuklinskisHeavyHeadTrip

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     It's definitely hell alright 😏 each for our own reasons and in our own way. What else could it be? Id only wish life on my enemies "I HOPE YOU LIVE FOREVER!!" LOL
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:17 JST DeadDrudge

     in reply to
     I wonder which might be worse, eternal life, or eternal nothingness?
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:31:18 JST DeadDrudge

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     Similar... Sometimes wonder if I'm already dead and in hell...
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     ?? Humpleupagus ?? (humpleupagus@eveningzoo.club)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:37:45 JST ?? Humpleupagus ??

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     It also answers the theodicy.
     
     > Why God do bad things?
     
     This is just like a dream. You wake up into another sleep. There is no harm here. Just illusions. Party on and be excellent to each other.
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:37:46 JST DeadDrudge

     in reply to

     • ?? Humpleupagus ??
     Damn that's what I was afraid of, same as the last time, same as the next time... The infinite density of reality...
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     ?? Humpleupagus ?? (humpleupagus@eveningzoo.club)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:41:15 JST ?? Humpleupagus ??

     in reply to

     • DeadDrudge
     I'm doing situps, waxing philosophical, and entering some client costs into my database while listening to All That Remains.
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     DeadDrudge (jeddrudge@nicecrew.digital)'s status on Friday, 21-Mar-2025 10:41:16 JST DeadDrudge

     in reply to

     • ?? Humpleupagus ??
     Drinking beer and attempting excellence rn...