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   Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:29:23 JST Adrianna Tan

   My parents left today after 30 days with me here in the west coast USA.

   We spent time in San Francisco, Monterey, Los Angeles, Portland and Seattle. Of all of these cities, they liked Monterey best for small and beautiful compact place; Seattle for a city with nature and transit and buildings and water. Like me, they liked friends and food in Portland, but we are not used to.. small cities. LA was best for food, and Seattle for seafood.

   We took trains, buses and short plane rides. Alaska Air is the only domestic carrier I don’t hate (United feels downright abusive). They liked the Amtrak experience but found it excruciating and slow.

   They thought infrastructure left something to be desired. Some nice airports (SFO T1, Portland airport); but overall not enough public restrooms.

   They have some experience with the poverty and homelessness from past trips but this time asked more questions. I gifted them a book I like, Poverty, by America (Matthew Desmond) which I hope will help clarify some things. If nothing else, so they’ll understand why I have unhoused neighbors.

   LA had the highest density of foods they liked. Generally felt that west coast had good quality food, but of course by day 10 they were desperate for home food and started cooking more.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:33:42 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     They previously spent a lot of time in South Korea due to some family, so they really liked the options in K-town. A repeat restaurant they were happy to return to over and over was Chunju Han Il-Kwan, which was exceptional and extremely affordable. Highly regional Korean food from Chunju. Hard to get outside of Korea. Next to a fabulous Korean bakery, Harucake, whose mugwort injeolmi cake will stay with me for a long time as one of the best cakes I’ve ever had. (I don’t love most traditional American cake as I find them too dense and sweet. This was a very balanced cake with super interesting ingredients and flavors)

     Chunju Han Il-Kwan also had the best banchan I’ve had in a very long time.

     There’s good Korean food in lots of those cities, but the density and regionality of Korean food options in LA, San Jose and Oakland in that order are my faves.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:36:22 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     In Seattle, we really enjoyed Qiaolin at the Seattle convention center. Back in Singapore, like nearly everyone there our family often frequents Hai Di Lao, a popular Chinese hotpot chain which has become the de facto luxury going out food for a lot of Singaporeans. There’s a HDL in Seattle too, near Qiaolin, but we found Qiaolin to be comparable, maybe even better. And cheaper.

     Other places we enjoyed: Place Pigalle, a delicious French bistro with amazing views; Mike’s Noodle House, Taylor’s Shellfish. My friends drove me out to Edmonds to have great sushi at Sankai, one of the highlights of my trip.

     I got to hang out with a person who does my job at the Seattle Aquarium, and learned a lot.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:39:30 JST Adrianna Tan

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     In Monterey, I arranged behind the scenes tours (staff benefit) at the aquarium where we got to meet the aviarist who works with the giant pacific octopus; got to feed one; squish jellyfish, and more.

     My parents have not really been to an aquarium so they didn’t know what to expect. I think the best praise was that they said they wouldn’t have minded paying the US$70 per person for entry if they had to (of course I used my staff tix for them); because they found it incredible. No higher praise from (usually frugal) Chinese parents.

     I’m glad they got to see that part of my life.

     My friends drive us out to Big Sur, which is so incredibly beautiful, and Nepenthe was a magical spot as well. There is a lot of beauty in central California. I feel so lucky to be immersed in the natural world out there

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:45:24 JST Adrianna Tan

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     They ate strawberries, blackberries and raspberries every day. That’s what I’ll remember about this trip.

     Back home, good fruit costs a lot of money (we import almost all our food in Singapore, which has almost no local agriculture; or even water). Whatever cost $5 here was easily a $15 punnet back home.

     I’ve gotten so used to having these fruit that I don’t think about it anymore, but I did notice they consumed.. a lot of berries.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:46:01 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • Asta [AMP]

     @aud has the extra bonus that anti homeless bigots really hate that framing

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     Asta [AMP] (aud@fire.asta.lgbt)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:46:02 JST Asta [AMP]

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     @skinnylatte@hachyderm.io … understand why I have unhoused neighbors. Oh, I really like the way you wrote this; “unhoused neighbors”. Because that’s exactly they are; your neighbors. I think I am going to use that wording from now on.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:46:17 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • Dan Ports

     @dan hehe, my friends were determined that I should try it

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     Dan Ports (dan@discuss.systems)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:46:18 JST Dan Ports

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     @skinnylatte oh, glad you made it out to my favorite sushi restaurant!

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 17:52:53 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I don’t think I’ve spent this much time with them since I was in my late teens. It was difficult to be in the same space continuously for so long, by the end. I’ve just gotten so used to having my own space that it’s hard to revert into a space and time where they clearly still perceive me to be this 18 year old child.

     There’s also the added pressure of me being.. sort of the golden child, so it sometimes feels like a mask of perfectionism that I can’t take off. They also had to contend with seeing and existing around the ways in which my gay married life works in a part of the world where I no longer have to hide myself (they are evangelical Christian).

     At the end of the day, I know they care for me a lot, but saying goodbye today also made it glaringly obvious that there are parts of me that have moved on way beyond them, beyond the city / country I grew up in, and any idea of a life I might have had there.

     We spoke a bit about the upcoming elections back home. I’m still very involved, but the ties are fading. It’s eight years away for good this year.

     Before this, I lived elsewhere in many other parts of the world but it always felt like I was going to go home to them soon after.

     I don’t feel that way now, and they know it.

     ‘Don’t write too much stuff on the internet until you become a citizen,’ they said.

     Knowing full well that because I am not allowed another (citizenship), this would mean giving up everything I have back home.

     This time, it seems they are settled in the knowledge that this is my home, and where I need to be.

     It wasn’t an easy thing to accept, because obviously it means that I’ll only get to see them what, less than 10 more times in the next 10 years.

     And then I’ll truly have nothing back there to go home to.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:05:49 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     Thinking as well of how tenuous some of those ties and ideas of home are anyway. My grandparents were born in China; my parents in Singapore. In some way I feel the pull of being a sojourner in search of other pastures is a deeper sense of self and identity than the idea of.. being Singaporean. At most, I’ll always feel forever tied to Southeast Asia, my home for so much of my life. But it could very well have been Malaysia or Thailand or Indonesia or wherever my family might have ended up, and certainly since I’ve lived in all of those countries for a few years at a time too.

     I keep saying that functionally I am but a tourist in Singapore now; just one with an exceptionally well curated food list. I never had a life there after university there; I left, returned in fits and spurts, didn’t have normal jobs; led a very carefree and foreign life there when I returned for a brief spell. I lived in a ‘forest’ there and walked around barefoot. I dated women and wrote screeds about the government. It is at once very deeply my home (place, weather, culture) and not (politics, people, conservatism).

     This year will be the first time I haven’t gone ‘home’ in 2 years (I used to go a few times a year), and I likely won’t for the next couple of years.

     There’s a deep sense of grief and loss that I have been working through, and my parents coming here and then leaving again reminded me of it.

     I spoke in non-English languages for a whole month, which was freeing (linguistically) but not (mentally). My non-English languages are the language of love, but also codependence and another time with far less autonomy. When I was a whole other person. The person I am not anymore.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:15:26 JST Adrianna Tan

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     I can think and communicate in English, Mandarin, Hokkien and Teochew with them, without having to think because those my brain and mouth’s natural languages. I can mix them all up in any order and switch not just between different languages but also between different versions of each language if I need.

     Yet I found myself tweaking my speech constantly with them. My dad understands more English and reads it well, but really does not understand my Californian accent. So I have to switch into something more Singaporean (not quite Singlish). My mom doesn’t understand me at all when I use a single English word above two syllables. They constantly speak Hokkien with each other and I realize I’ve never let on that I understand them perfectly. I secretly took Taiwanese Hokkien classes online and am far more fluent now, wanting to connect with my mother in her native tongue.

     I speak 85% in Mandarin with them, 10% Hokkien and 5% English. They speak 100% Hokkien with each other. For language imperialism reasons, it is now awkward for someone from their generation to only speak in Hokkien with their child.

     I mourn that language loss and loss of connection, but also that they increasingly don’t understand me at all in English.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:23:22 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     I wrote down a list of some terms of affection they have for each other and for me in Hokkien. As part of my journey to reconnect, I’m learning how to write and read Hokkien. I plan to ask my online Taiwanese Hokkien teacher to help me figure out the characters for some terms so I don’t forget them.

     “Your cat is very yang-o” (your cat is very baby / affectionate) they used to say this about me

     “Siorh” (kind of like 疼) but feels more.. directional? Like loving, often from a parent to a child. My grandmother used to say this to me every day.

     And yet, no matter how good I get at Hokkien, it still feels like there’s a giant language and cultural chasm in our lives. Sometimes I feel jealous of people who are able to clearly communicate philosophical ideas with their parents in one language, but I’m learning hard into communicating several ideas with mine in several languages.

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:36:17 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     But also, has anything really changed, other than me?

     I am seven years old, and my English teacher demands to see my mother. My English teacher says, ‘your daughter keeps using the wrong English words. They are too advanced for her level. The correct answer is ‘buy’ but she says ‘purchase’. I have no choice but to mark her wrong. Obviously she is not failing because she is not good at English, but because she doesn’t know the right answers.’

     At that point, I know: I am in love with a girl. I am seven years old. I’ll never have the right answers. My country will never accept me. I am too autistic, too weird, too queer. I will keep using big words.

     My mother says, ‘Yes, I barely understand anything she says or writes in English, but it seems important, and you seem wrong.’

     When I go home and cry and complain to my grandfather, he just laughs and says, baby, you can always find another home you like, just like I did.

     I am forty years old. I am eight thousand and eight hundred miles away from where I was born.

     Forteen hundred and one hundred and sixty two kilometres.

   • Embed this notice
     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:46:26 JST Adrianna Tan

     in reply to

     • Hugo

     @hugo thank you!

   • Embed this notice
     Hugo (hugo@assemblag.es)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 18:46:27 JST Hugo

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte

     honestly your writings about these topics is one of my favourite things about this place. beautiful thread.

   • Embed this notice
     Denis (constantorbit@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 22:17:11 JST Denis

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte this is a lovely and beautiful thread. It's so generous of you to share your life with us like this. Our own lives are made richer. Thank you for writing it.

   • Embed this notice
     anilmc (anilmc@hachyderm.io)'s status on Thursday, 06-Mar-2025 23:21:35 JST anilmc

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte There is a distinction between those with a notion of a territorial home and those without that only those without really notice.

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     lopta (lopta@mastodon.social)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 02:43:32 JST lopta

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I love that your mother stood up for you. Where was your grandfather from?

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 02:43:32 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • lopta

     @lopta Swatow, China, now known as Shantou in coastal China. Many people from the Chinese diaspora in Singapore, Thailand, France, California, all come from there

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     Alexandra Magin 🏳️‍🌈 (recursive@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 04:26:36 JST Alexandra Magin 🏳️‍🌈

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I like that your grandfather said that

     But it's still frustrating and sad that for one reason or another, so many of us have to do that

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     Adrianna Tan (skinnylatte@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 05:56:44 JST Adrianna Tan

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     • poweredbylemonx | 🍋🌩️

     @poweredbylemonx definitely go when they open, or make a booking. Very impressive and as good as what I would expect from a hotpot place in Asia.

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     poweredbylemonx | 🍋🌩️ (poweredbylemonx@beige.party)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 05:56:45 JST poweredbylemonx | 🍋🌩️

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte I was actually thinking of going to Qiaolin since it is across the street from the movie theater. Good to hear it's a solid option.

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     Itamar Turner-Trauring (itamarst@hachyderm.io)'s status on Friday, 07-Mar-2025 09:15:15 JST Itamar Turner-Trauring

     in reply to

     @skinnylatte Would you happen to know any (English-language) books about the history of the Teochew diaspora? I am now very intrigued. So far I'm trawling the references in the Wikipedia article.

     And also I guess I'm also gonna be looking up books on Armenian trade networks.

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     Henk Langeveld (hlangeveld@hachyderm.io)'s status on Monday, 10-Mar-2025 19:01:51 JST Henk Langeveld

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     @skinnylatte

     Another pebble to the 60y pile of evidence of my self diagnosed state:

     "Stop using big words."

     Not using them felt *wrong*. Different words have different meanings!