Jules
Thinking about this excellent thread https://helvede.net/@jwcph/114029855409119327 and why it's so hard to challenge racist family members, because honestly this is a problem I've had - I find it far easier to challenge strangers, colleagues and friends than I do family, and I wonder if some musings on why would help other people who are the same.
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Aral Balkan
@afewbugs But you know what: despite how hard it was… you did it. And that matters so much. Thank you 💕
Jules
So yeah, it was really fucking hard. I'm not looking for a cookie or sympathy or something, obviously it needs to be done because the amount of harm these kind of people do to others far outweighs the difficulty challenging them causes to us. But I hope explaining why I personally found it hard helps someone else to understand why they find it hard, and maybe makes it easier to do.
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Jules
And then running through all that is thread of growing up most probably undiagnosed autistic, and having internalised the idea that failing to do the expected thing in a social situation was probably going to hurt, upset or anger some one and that this would be entirely my fault for being somehow Wrong As A Person in some way I couldn't understand.
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Jules
And on top of the foundation of middle class politeness at all costs I've also got a thick layer of the good old geek social fallacy, that the most harmful, hurtful thing you can do to someone is exclude them. https://plausiblydeniable.com/five-geek-social-fallacies/ So I had to fight the subconscious idea that I wasn't just not inviting this guy, I was actively harming him and probably my relative too
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Jules
I was 100% justified here, so why was that so emotionally hard? It went against all the conditioning I've had all my life, as a white middle class British woman, that above all else you have to be polite to the people around you but especially family. The relative actually said "I don't believe in confusing the personal and the political" - this is the sort of very British middle class environment I come from, where this sort of thing is a matter of debate not something affecting lives.
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Jules
I recently had to make a phonecall to tell a relative that while she was invited to my wedding her husband was not, because not only did he harm people with what he said his entire job involves working to harm people and actively bringing about the current state of the world. And that was honestly the hardest phonecall I've every had to make in my life, up there with phoning my brother to tell him my aunt had died.
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Aral Balkan
@afewbugs I’m sure it will. Thank you for sharing it. I can’t imagine that was easy either.
Jules
@aral thank you. It shouldn't be hard, it should just be the basics, but I really struggled so I appreciate it!
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