Conversation

@MayInToronto These are all definitely systemic/logistical factors but loneliness is also about lack of connecting and not feeling seen and understood. And we can't really connect and be seen by another person unless we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, that's part of being open enough to connect deeply.

A lot of people shy away from this part, they avoid the real connection because they just want entertainment or fun, or to take without reciprocating, or are transactional about relationships. It's about utility not care. Caring brings joy but it also can bring deep loss and sadness (the death of a loved one is an obvious one but also the other hardships of real life beyond the facade, such as illness, loss, etc). It also requires negotiating boundaries, acknowledging our own and others' limitations, etc. But there's also the shared joys.

A lot of this goes counter to our culture's marketing of entertainment as connection (art CAN connect us, entertainment is more about distracting us but it can also be about sharing experiences). And it also often costs money. If don't have real friends and social solidarity, and 3rd spaces as May points out, you can lose a whole social circle if you run into financial difficulty.

The other thing is that friendships DO require time and attention. Friendships need to be tended like gardens, even if we allow them to go wild or even a bit fallow at times (lifelong friendships often have periods of less closeness but their duration allows for us to know each other very deeply). This can become more difficult as we become older.

I went to a panel discussion that is part of a storytelling series at a local uni last week where some old friends were discussing the history of a queer South Asian group they created back in the 1990s. It was a crucible of a time, of course, because AIDS made everything so much more urgent and life so much more intense.

It was a great discussion about making friends and creating solidarity, as well as the challenges everyone faced. But as we get older, and disperse geographically the threads get stretched but not broken. I've been thinking about these things a lot, especially as an older queer person who isn't married (as many of us aren't).

The other thing about loneliness is that it's also a physical thing. We all (or most of us) need to be hugged and touched, caring is also physical, we can become starved for physical affection. Hugs and gentle caring touch help us regulate our nervous system. Love, care and gentle touch are crucial for all aspects of our health, we need it to know we're included and safe.

It's why kind words or a helping hand given to a stranger can be so powerful for both the person extending the care and the person receiving it. It's why a hug from an old friend can be so powerful. Interdependence is the healthy human relationship to each other and the world. It's also why being exploitative is ultimately damaging even to the exploiter. There's really nothing more powerful than care for each other and solidarity.

@skinnylatte