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   lirazel (lirazel@federatedfandom.net)'s status on Sunday, 14-Apr-2024 08:06:16 JST lirazel

   I think my toxic trait is that when I come across a perspective that is super foreign to my own, I want to understand it, so I keep asking questions from different directions hoping it will lead me to understand.

   But often...it seems I just fundamentally can't understand and the asking makes people defensive because I come across as attacking their perspective, even though that's the last thing I want to do. So maybe I need to ask less questions?

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     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Sunday, 14-Apr-2024 08:06:15 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     @lirazel
     I don't think that's toxic.

     Everyone involved in a conversation is responsible for their own part of it.

     You do a good job of positioning your questions as coming from a place of curiosity and being in good faith.

     But also we're all familiar with bad-faith actors who are just sea-lioning*

     * https://wondermark.com/c/1062/

     It can be hard to tell the difference between genuine curiosity and sea-lioning, especially if it's a tender subject and bad-faith actors abound.

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     Chicken :cqlgusu: (lookitmychicken@blorbo.social)'s status on Sunday, 14-Apr-2024 08:11:41 JST Chicken :cqlgusu:

     in reply to

     @lirazel
     Personally I try to be aware of the topics people tend to be defensive about, and to recognise when defensiveness is happening. And will usually drop the discussion if it looks like it's going that way.

     But! I'm really curious too and want to Understand All the Things. So sometimes I miss the signals & keep asking questions anyway.

     At those times, I try to be forgiving of everyone involved, including myself.

     Some things are *hard* to discuss.