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   🏴 (scorpiontongue@kolektiva.social)'s status on Wednesday, 12-Jul-2023 16:43:40 JST 🏴

   re: abusers & therapy,
   i've been in therapy on & off since i was 15. i stopped for a few years from 26-29, and when i went back, it was bc i was convinced that i was an abuser, and i needed help.

   when i got to therapy, the doctor spent a while with me before telling me that i wasn't the abuser — i was the abused person.

   and the emotional responses i was so ashamed of.... were things that i absolutely should learn to manage, but that they were reactions to abuse.

   ever since that care, the following EMDR & then meeting anti-abuse baddies, i am a different person 🥺 so much more happy and confident, with so much more self-love.

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     🏴 (scorpiontongue@kolektiva.social)'s status on Wednesday, 12-Jul-2023 16:43:39 JST 🏴

     in reply to

     there seems to be a really big gulf in abuser / survivor spaces between people who have more vague definitions of "abuser" (eg. someone who hurts other people) && people who have more clinical definitions (eg. someone who forces relational power over another person.)

     && i think it would be really great if we could all get on the same page. because, in the same way that it's helpful to understand how state power & violence functions, so is it crucial to understand intimate power & violence.

     abuse isn't just about causing pain.
     it's about power.

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     🏴 (scorpiontongue@kolektiva.social)'s status on Wednesday, 12-Jul-2023 16:43:40 JST 🏴

     in reply to

     therapy can help you sort thru what happened.
     it can help you understand why your reactions are so extreme, and why you may do things sometimes that you're ashamed of.
     it can give you tools to change your behavior.
     it can help you learn to be less hot-headed or reactive.
     it can help you process the past, and that can absolutely change how you see the present.

     but, you have to be *willing* to do all that. you have to be willing to tell the truth and self-reflect and unpack and change.

     and, um, most people who are genuinely invested in power over others (aka abusers)... are not willing to do that.
     abusers feel entitled to their cruelty.
     that's the fucking *problem.*

     Håkan Geijer repeated this.