Notices by Alice McFlurry :bc: (alice@beige.party), page 8

Where my fellow risk takers at?!?

You know, the kind who like to rawdog their crossword puzzles and Sudokus with a pen.

I dated a guy for about a week when I was a teenager and I just googled him and found a YouTube video of him doing standup comedy which is interesting because I don’t remember him being particularly funny and the video serves as proof that he still isn't.

They call me the panty dropper because I’m pretty clumsy.

Everyone seems to be obsessed with passive income but I’m set on passive-aggressive income, so you should probably pay me back if you care even the slightest amount about our friendship and how much I thought it meant to you.

The long list at the bottom was a list of all of the names of my friends who I recruited for my fake ska band so it would look ridiculously large, even more large than most ska bands in the '90s.

It's foggy outside. Please boost for visibility.

It's a sketch spoofing Shark Tank where I approach the stage with some platters full of delicious burgers and I’m like "I love a good burger, but the beef industry is terrible for the environment and we should all be trying to live a more compassionate lifestyle, so I created an alternate solution to solve this problem!"

And then the sharks try my burgers and are like "This is delicious! What is this made from?!?"

And I’m like "Kittens. It's made from kittens!"

Dare me to hit send?

My kink is getting naked and holding my breath until I look like Grimace.

My kink is messing with the water pressure in this garden hose.

It's not reassuring that doctors and lawyers only practice.

We should create an anthem for federation based off of Offspring's "Come Out and Play."

"You gotta keep 'em federated."

What's a more work-appropriate way of saying that we need to idiot-proof something to protect our systems from our employees?

Also, if I've already said "idiot-proof" in conversations, emails, meetings, and presentations, what's a diplomatic yet convincing way to explain that away?

Please boost for visibility as I’m meeting with HR in less than an hour.

As a person who can't meditate because my mind NEVER shuts off, I get SO annoyed with anyone who recommends meditating as if ALL people are capable of getting mindless on demand.

I guess I should have mentioned that I find the idea of meditation to be painfully boring BEFORE everyone gave me a lot of meditation advice I'll never read.

I could never be a nepo baby because I refuse to take over my dad's snake oil sales operation.

Okay, so we have this east coast earthquake and then the eclipse.

They say these things always come in threes, so I’m hoping the rapture will be next so the rest of us can finally live in peace.

Whenever anyone would mention illegally downloading music, I'd cite my friend who was one of the people sued by the RIAA and it was only years later when I learned that it never happened and was just a dumb April Fools' "joke" she posted on Facebook and I was too dumb to realize.

Oh no. I think I just ran out of Internet.

When I was in high school, I had a fake ska band and I'd put up flyers for shows AFTER they had allegedly taken place so people would always think they'd JUST missed us.

I also worked in a record store at the time, so I made a card for the fake band and kept it in the CD bins so it looked like our CD was always sold out.

The yellow flyer above my computer is one of the fake flyers.

RIP Disgruntled Postal Workers