Notices by MostlyHarmless (mostlyharmless@thecanadian.social), page 4

We were taught as kids to not get in strangers' cars or meet strangers from the internet, and now we literally summon strangers from the internet and get in their cars.

"But what if they don't deserve that money?" is somehow only a question raised about poor people.

I’m getting stronger with age. I can now lift $100 worth of groceries with one hand.

You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.

A leaf blower, but for people.

The other day I held the door for a clown. It was a nice jester.

It’s funny how, as you progress through college, they require you to write longer and longer papers. Then you get to the professional world and no one will read an email that’s more than 5 sentences.

You ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and just feel glad you’re alive? And just like that I’m not welcome aboard Air Canada any more.

Well darn.

The best person for the job is generally the one who understands it enough to not want it.

"It's not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes.

All you seniors posting about how you survived lead paint, no seatbelts, no helmets etc… I’m very happy for you. Would love to hear sometime from those who didn’t, but for some reason their posts don’t show up on my feed.

"The nuclear arms race is like two sworn enemies standing waist deep in gasoline, one with three matches, the other with five."-Carl Sagan

I’m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.

It's not surprising there are so many forest fires, considering I'm the only one who can prevent them.

The most realistic part of Avengers: Age of Ultron was Ultron deciding the whole human race must be destroyed after spending just a few minutes on the Internet.

Only 273 Roll-Ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit.

Whoever wrote this headline is not paid enough.

You know you have the right as an adult to make garlic bread anytime you want? You don’t even need a reason. Pasta doesn’t even need to get involved.

When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I just sleep in til noon. Because I’m a problem-solver.