Notices by MostlyHarmless (mostlyharmless@thecanadian.social), page 3

That horrifying moment when you're looking for an adult, but you realize you are an adult. So you look around for an older adult, an adultier adult, someone better at adulting than you.

I couldn't join the Alt-Reich even if I wanted to, because my bloodline isn't pure enough. Turns out my parents weren't even related.

My friends are inviting me to go to Transylvania to see if vampires exist. I told them that’s ridiculous. I lived there 700 years and I never saw any.

I need to get my life together but kind of waiting to see if the world is going to end before I put any effort in.

Spanking your own kids is already low, but if you spank someone else's kid you've hit a new bottom.

Do y'all remember, before the Internet, when people thought the cause of stupidity was lack of access to information?
Yeah. It wasn't that.

Never has Windows actually found a solution when a program crashes and says "checking for a solution to the problem"

I’ve done terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for five hours straight while watching Dora on repeat.

A cigarette is just like a hamster: perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

With everything going right now I can only assume that somewhere a hobbit is carrying a ring to a volcano.

When I lost a tooth as a child the Tooth Fairy brought me a dollar. When I lose a tooth as an adult the Tooth Demon takes away $1,000.

If I was an Italian plumber whose girlfriend was constantly being imprisoned in castles by an evil fire-breathing lizard, I would probably not partake in recreational go-kart races with aforementioned lizard.

No problem is so big it can't be solved with a little mass delusion.

When life gives you lemons, be sure to sadistically peel one in front of the other lemons, just to send a message.

I’m pretty sure my Windows “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

I don't know who needs to hear this right now, but you can eat lasagna in the shower if you want it. It's not illegal. They can't arrest you. Go and be free.

During a televised debate, if a candidate keeps talking too much past their allotted time, they should get slimed like on Nickelodeon.

Just got kicked out of karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row. Guess I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.

We were taught as kids to not get in strangers' cars or meet strangers from the internet, and now we literally summon strangers from the internet and get in their cars.